Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Summer Vacation (A Kid’s Perspective)

Guest Author: 10 Year Old Seth

The “old man Seth” asked me to write about the beach for his blog because he wanted a kid’s perspective. I said “what the heck is a blog? It sounds like what I would call a wet, squishy log I found in the woods.” At first I said no because it sounded boring. Also, I told old man Seth to get some better hobbies than playing with squishy logs. He said he would do my homework for me. That made me says “yes.” Speaking of homework, here’s a secret… when you get to 4th grade you have to take Penmanship so you can write good. I’m supposed to do 2 pages a nigh in my Penmanship book. I’m about to done with this school year and I haven’t even opened the book and done one page yet. I’m supposed to turn in the finished book next week. So yesterday I just threw it in the pond. I’m going to tell my teacher asks for us to turn in our handwriting books, I’m just going to sneak out to the bathroom and hope for the best. Ok. Let’s get started.

Going to the beach is my second favorite thing in the world. Christmas is first. Duh.
I’m really hoping for….

Please God. Let me get a Talk Boy for Christmas.

Here's the reasons why I like the beach.

1) Big Waves. I get to boogie board and body surf big waves. That’s probably what I the most about the beach. Last year, my dad let me go to the sand bar all by myself. The sandbar is neat because the water is only up to your knees but the waves are ginormous. The worst part about liking big waves and the sand bar is you have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn for high tide. On vacation, it’s the worst waking up earlier than you do for school, but it’s worth it once you get to the beach.

2) Speaking of waves, I always save my morning bathroom visit so I can pee in the ocean. I don’t like peeing through my swimsuit, so I just go deep in the ocean where no one can see and pee like regular. Sometimes I get worried that a shark will bite my wiener off, but I do it anyways.

Shark Snack

3) The ocean water and the pool shower count as being cleaning, so I don’t have to take a shower or bath. I know the ocean is full of fish pee (and my pee) but I still feel so clean after swimming in it. I love the feeling with all of the ocean water dries on your skin and you stretch and it feels like you are ripping off a layer of exoskeleton or something.

4) Cable. We don’t have cable tv at our house. It’s neat to have it at the beach. My favorite show is the incredible hulk from a long time ago. But, having cable is kind of bad too. I am convinced my dad calls the tv station to get the date of “Shark Week” and books our beach vacation the same week just to freak us out. I promise every time I look at the tv, I see some video of a shark ripping some guys arm. That’s exactly what I like to see immediately before jumping in the ocean.

Dad – “Look at that monster. It just ripped that surfer guy in half. Ok, have fun in the ocean!”

5) Food. I get to eat sandwiches and chocolate milk like every day for lunch. Plus, my mom always does a big seafood night. I eat some many shrimp my fingers start to cramp from unshelling them. Also, my mom makes cakes sometimes. Last year she made my favorite cake. The next day, I walked in the kitchen and she was making another one! I was about to eat it, but she said it was for our friends that we go on vacation with. Their condo was next door. She asked me to take it to them, so I put the cake on a nice plate and walked out the front door. But right when I got out, I snuck into that little storage room that’s always outside of condos (to keep boogie boards, sand toys, and stuff in). You know the one with all of the cobwebs in it.

Oh hello spiders, don’t mind me. I’m just enjoying some cake.

I shut the door and sat in there and ate the entire cake except for one slice. I used a pool towel to clean off the plate and took it to our friends. I handed it to my friends’ mom and said “My mom made a cake and wanted you to have some.” She said, “Well, isn’t that so sweet. Thank you for bringing it over!” Hahahahahahaha!!!! The world will never know. PS. Old Seth said this would be on the internet, so I should be careful what I say. But I’ve never even heard of the” internet”, so I think he’s just being a big doofus. Seriously, someone tell me when I grow up to get a hobby or something.

6) The car ride. My brothers and sister hate the car ride, but I like it. I’m smart and get in the car WAY early and get the best seat in the van. Me and my brother play the wave game and alphabet game. I like the wave game the most. Here’s how you play that game.

Wave game rules: You wave people in other cars. If they wave back, you get a point. A person can only be counted as one point and they can’t be used again (even by another person). If they are two lanes away, you get 2 points. Here’s where it gets fun. If someone waves to you before you wave at them, you get double points. Normally, I just stare at grownups in other cars on the interstate. I used to make funny faces but that never got a wave, they just laughed.

So now I just make this face at everyone in other cars...

 I'm guessing it normally goes like this in the other car. 
“There’s a kid in the van next us being super weird.”
“Just acknowledge you see him and maybe he’ll stop.”
“How should I do that?”
“I don’t know. Just wave or something”

BOOM!!! Double Points!

7) The Sauna. It’s supposed to be for grown-ups, but we go in anyways. Mostly, me and best friend Luke go together (His family goes on vacation the same time as us every year. They are the people who I ate their cake). Anyways, he’s really good at staying in there for a long time. There are these rocks you pour hot water on and it makes steam.  I get so hot and feel like I’m about to faint, but we just keep making it hotter and hotter. Finally, when we can’t take anymore, we sprint out of the sauna and jump into the ice cold pool. It feels so amazing! Plus, there’s this old guy that just lives in the condo place we go to. We talk to him every year. He’s super-duper old. I think his name Frank. He says that he never gets sick because he just “sweats all out in the hot box”. When I’m old, I’m just going to live at the beach and sit in the “hot box” instead of going to the doctor. I don’t really like the doctor anymore. I’m too old for the doctor to let me pick out of the treasure box. But I still ask if I can. They have these cool parachute army guys in there that I like to launch out of my window. Whenever I ask for the treasure box, the doctor looks at me the way adults look at teenagers who show up on their doorstep for trick or treat.

"Typically, I don’t hand out my candy to people with Learner’s Permits.”

So I can just skip all of those doctor appointments if I live somewhere with a sauna. I mean Frank is old as crap and he’s still alive. He must be onto something.

So that’s why I like the beach. Old man Seth is here to do my math homework. PS. He also told me how to get out of my penmanship book situation. He said the teacher won’t even care that about my penmanship book being at the bottom of the pond if I play my cards right. All I need to do is write her a funny poem (in really good cursive) and tape it to a carton of fresh eggs that I need to sneak out of the house. He said it worked for him. So I’ll probably give it a try.

Fun Fact - If you fart in a jar and seal it up quick, it will stay for smelly for a while. But it’s funner to go outside and light your farts on fire with a match.

Robert Seth Megow, Age 10

Monday, June 20, 2016

A Summer's Night Dream

 Summer is pretty hot in South Georgia. Instead of listing off little facts or tidbits about we handle the heat, I decided to just type up a little story can hopefully provide a visual representation on how I view this time of year.

So imagine you are 7 years old and its blazing hot outside. You could be swimming in the ditch by your house, but today is family portraits. Your parents have had these pictures scheduled for months, so they are going to happen today whether you like it or not. As more and more family start to arrive, you glance down at your Ninja Turtles watch only to see it’s 3pm; the perfect time of day for the air to have the exact blend of moisture and fire that drains every ounce of life out of you. You instantly regret eating that Hot Pocket for lunch. Finally, you convince everyone it’s as hot as Nacho Libre’s bathroom stall outside and they finally cave in and move the pictures inside.

 To make matters worse, you forgot that your mom had this brilliant idea to use these photos as this year’s upcoming Christmas cards. You are forced to wear that wool sweater your grandma hand knitted you for Christmas 1992. You become light headed from the overwhelming heat escaping from the knit turtleneck of the sweater, but you refuse to faint from heat exhaustion like your fancy pants cousin, Jeremy, just did.

Ugh.... Jeremy

Suddenly, you see a central A/C vent on the floor under the fake Christmas tree propped up for the photo shoot. You dove and claimed the coveted AC floor vent, but needless to say there was no air coming through that brown colored, slotted mobile home hole in the floor. 

Sweet Jesus, what a sight.

Of course, as a child touching the A/C thermometer was pretty much viewed as the equivalent of taking the family station wagon for a joy ride to Dairy Queen.  In your heart of hearts you prayed for an adult to turn on the air. Your prayers turn to desperation as your granddad looks down lovingly and says “Hey buddy. I know how to turn that frown upside town…” He then proceeds to reach down and plug in the giant 1980’s rainbow colored Christmas tree lights you are sitting directly underneath. You start to wonder if the 20 watt blue, green, and red bulb heat radiating directly onto your neck is worth it. Out of nowhere it happens!! Your Great Aunt Gloria slowly stands up and walks to the thermometer. You wonder if you should offer your spot to your cousin who is still passed out on the navy blue carpet. Even though that kid is wearing a super sweet Space Jam tank top and still passed out, your family bond of togetherness eats at your soul.

You know that thing is breathable. It has freaking MJ on it!!

So you begin to get on your feet. Right before you walk over and tug on his braided rat tail to give him the floor vent spot, the heavens part. Your grandma offers him some Kool-Aid and a bowl of lime Jell-O. He sits up. Praise Jesus, you can keep your jackpot air conditioned spot. About this time, Aunt Gloria is working that central a/c control like a freaking champ. You see her crank that little plastic switch all the way.  You smile. I mean you smile big, like “your teacher wheeling in that giant tv on wheels into your class” smile. You blissfully settle the vent directly between your soaked Levi’s jeans and just wait for that glorious cool rush to blow up between your skin and your soaking wet Santa sweater.  Suddenly, it hits you. This is Great Aunt Gloria we are talking about. She’s the family member that makes you sleep in her “doll room” when you spend the night.

"Don't touch my leftover biscuits from Red Lobster in the fridge."

 Deep in your soul you know it’s about to happen… and then it does. Hot air barrels up out of the vents and starts to seep its way into your fiber of your clothes. You look in shock at this woman in complete befuddlement and simply ask what would possess her to do this. “Phil Donaue says sweating is good for my skin, so I’m tryna exfoliate pictures. Plus, he says children should know their place,” she answers snidely before she flips her hair and sips her Long Island Iced Tea.

He couldn't say it on TV, if it weren't not the truth.

You attempt to remove your sweater from over the vent and walk to the other side of the room. Maybe your cousin has some of the lime Jell-O left you can eat or at least lick the cold bowl to cool the inferno building up within your body. Of course by this point, your muscle memory has completely faded and instead of simply adjusting your sweater, you accidently fall sideways and knock over the tree in the process. Apparently during all of this you were so caught up with the personal literal brush with the heat of the sun that you failed to notice that everyone else was smiling the pictures had started. Considering the fact that your granddad forgot to buy more film and all he had left was two more photos to spare from their “Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas” roll of film. Everyone is fuming mad at you for ruining their picture by knocking down the tree. Your dad leans over and says “I’m about to head to Camera America to get this thing developed. If there isn’t a usable picture on this roll and your mother makes us do this brain dead Christmas in July photo shoot again, may God have mercy on your soul.”

You sit down next to your grandma who offers you some Kool-Aid and gives one of those strawberry candies that you have never seen actually sold in a store, but she always has them.

I can't wait until I have grandkids, so I can start setting out these bad boys

You start to feel a little better until you hear your dad’s truck door slam and speed down the dirt road on his way to town. You sit quietly with your grandma watching Super Market sweep for the next hour or two until you hear your uncle’s dogs start to bark. You know it’s about to be the time for reckoning. You clench your sweaty palms tight as you hear him yelling through the shut door, “Ok everyone! We’re going to have to do another photo shoot. You know its coming. This is the moment your short life ends. You look nervously at door handle turning and your dad walking in. He silently hands you the roll of film and simply says “Look.”  All of the pictures towards the front are what you expected, just a bunch of pictures of the cruise ship, folded towels, and a luau they went to on a beach.

"Mam, I'm sorry to tell you but we just ran out of shrimp."

There are only two pictures left. Your hands start to shake; you feel everyone in the entire room shooting daggers at you with their eyes. Quick and painless to tell yourself… So you just grab the last two pictures, close your eyes, and hold them both up straight in front of your face. At this your dad immediately busts out laughing. Beyond confused, you slowly release your sealed shut eyes to a slight squint. It turns out your grandparents didn’t have any extra pictures left on that roll in the first place. So there was literally not one picture taken of the Christmas tree debacle.  Apparently your grandparents got drunk off of frozen daiquiris during the cruise and your grandma convinced your grandad to enter a wet t-shirt contest.  Everyone immediately just looks at them and dies laughing. Of course, your granddad denies it; however, the evidence is irrefutable. At this very moment, he is wearing a fanny pack that says “Tell your Mommas, I’ve got the best jugs in the Bahamas.”  

So in the end, you and your family had such a big laugh and so much fun that you forgot about the crazy heat that caused all of this once in a lifetime scenario.


That’s my opinion on South Georgia Summer heat. It’s grueling and most of the time unbearable, but a large majority of my best memories were made with my siblings or best buds, just running around the in woods making forts,playing in the swimming pool, or showing my kids how to cool off by burying themselves in the giant sand pile at the park across the street. It’s just good ole’ fashioned fun in the sun.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,