“Radical kindness” Seriously, it blows my mind. I’m not
exactly sure I how I would describe it; however, it’s something that I’ve kind
of adopted recently as a personal goal. I love that thought of being kind to
people. Not occasional or half-baked kindness. Just a type of ever present
authentic kindness that makes people smile. Maybe my own personal favorite
definition would be that I want to be kindness to people not just do kind
things for people. I mean, I know it's impossible to be like that all the time, but geez isn't that such a fun goal!?!
Like I said, I’ve been trying to live that little motto for
quite a while, but recently I wanted to explore that concept in the realm of
co-parenting. Let’s be frank here… Co-parenting isn’t always the easiest road. Separating
the relationship stuff from the parenting stuff can get ugly. Especially since
for many of us they were intertwined for so long. There’s just so much hurt,
feelings, and emotional baggage that attached.
It took me a long time to get emotionally stable and solid
even after the divorce; however, there are still some hurts that come up from
time to time (on both sides I’m positive). Just little things. I think the
longer Crissy and I learn to parent as individuals, not a couple, the more I’m
learning a few things about the process. I wanted to discuss those things a
little bit:
1) When their mom isn’t
around my kids are ultra-observant of how I talk, act, and react about their mom.
While there is time for truth, I don’t think I could be convinced a child
should ever hear anything bad or negative about either of their parents coming
from the other. Again, this can be a tough one because some questions don’t have
easy answers. To be honest I’m still learning on this one. Normally I just try
to handle each direct question carefully, but to be honest I firmly believe
that if we act with integrity and maintain a positive view of the other parent
for own kids and also within our own minds, honest conversation can be
presented in a loving manner. I’m blessed that Crissy and I have established an
awesome view and outlook of each other for our kids. Although the kids might go
back and forth between who they are closer with at any given time, they have a
pretty rock solid foundation about the way kindness is demonstrated between us.
2) Kindness is also
just letting some things go. This is for both past and current decisions. None
of us are perfect. I’m learning that it’s so poisonous to compare what she did
that hurt me vs what I did to hurt her. We can dwell on the past or forgive and
move on. Also, we can critique current behaviors and character flaws until the
sun comes up and what have we accomplished? Just more and more hostility. At the end of
the day, she might not like current life choices and I might not like hers. She
might not agree on what I think is best for the kids, and I might not agree
with what she thinks is best. Sometimes we get so caught up with winning an
argument about “what’s best” for our kids that we end up just creating more
hostility. I’ve learned sometimes it’s just better to compromise. Even if that
compromise means, us meeting the other party 90% of the way. It still
establishes a foundation of working together.
Truthfully, many of us might be on the giving end on the
compromise most of the time. It’s infuriating to say the least. Feeling like
the one in the co-parenting partnership that always gives in gives us all sorts
of feelings of doubt: What if I’m just the strict parent all the time? What if
they prefer them over me? Why do they always get to do fun things, while I’m just
stuck trying to scrape together pennies for bills? My thoughts are that are this…Most of the things
were worry about revolve around “me”. Me, Myself and I. I’m mostly about how my kids
will view me or feel sorry for myself because I feel treated unfairly. Things
won’t always be fair I promise you. However no matter we feel in the moment, I
100% believe that kids are way more emotionally intelligent than we think. If
we act in kindness and love towards their other parent, we are building a bank
of integrity in our kids hearts towards us. They might not understand it or
even be aware of what the compromises we each might make, but they will grow
into it. Hopefully, both parents represent each other with kindness and
respect. Hopefully, both parents get treated fairly and thoughtfully. Even if
not, even if the other parent is constantly filling their head with untruths,
they will remember the positivity and respect we keep in refusing to act with unkindness.
So let’s allow our love and kindness speak for us. I promise it’s tough. It can
feel like a one way street a lot, and honestly it’s impossible to do 100% of
the time; however, just giving it our best attempt is very much worth it.
3) Just because our
kids or other parents aren’t around us at the time, doesn’t give us the right
to be rude or unkind. Right before I got married my dad gave me only one
piece of advice. He said “Seth, never say anything to anyone that would leave a
negative feeling about your spouse.” That stuck with me through marriage. And
now into divorce and co-parenting. Now of course, we need to have a few people
we trust to vent to or seek advice from, but there’s seriously no need to
openly put down a child’s parent in conversation or on social media…Because
really, deep down we know how to hurt them. We were once intimate and close
with this person. We know their fears, insecurities, and embarrassments. That
gives us A LOT of ammo if we choose to put them down publicly. There are times
it can take some serious restraint to just keep our mouth shut, but it’s worth
it. Even a little mean joke can be so very hurtful if it’s framed in that way
we know would hurt them. Maybe even use our former intimacy and closeness with
that person to build them up in public. I assure you that if we publicly speak
kindly about people (even your ex), it will put us in a better place
emotionally and spiritually.
So yeah, that’s my co-parenting goal. To be radically kind. The
further I strive to be forgiving and admitting my own faults/mistakes, the more
I feel Crissy and me becoming something more than two “divorced individuals
trying to get along and raise our kids”. It’s becoming more like “Stevie,
Neela, Titus, and Olive’s parents loving them and working together”. I'm thankful for her, and she is thankful for me.
Let's be radically kind,
Seth
