1) I didn’t want to
offend anyone
2) It’s hard to put it
into words
So considering that it’s impossible to never offend anyone
(I promise I will try to do my best), and mentally I haven’t made any progress
on how I should write this, I figured I would just sit down and crank this mamma-jamma
out. Pretty much Seth is going to take the classic Calvin and Hobbes approach to life with
this post.
First off, let’s just clear up a few things. One, I’m not
the best parent. I think I try, but I know people that can parent circles
around me. Take for instance the following example: Last night for dinner, I
put my kids in bathing suits brought my kids out on the trampoline and gave
them a “kids choice” dinner. This consisted of a cold hot dog and a miniature
cupcake. Following dinner, I hooked up the sprinkler under the trampoline (with
no safety net) and let them fight with pool noodles while bouncing. All this
was happening while I was bleaching and scrubbing our family tent that a stray
male cat apparently used is its personal urinal for the past few weeks due to
my forgetting to close the outside storage closet properly. After cleaning the
tent, I unhooked the sprinkler and gave everyone a backyard hose bath before
sending them inside. :D #realife Soap Box Alert: Let kids are freaking kids. Growing up, our generation just played
outside, did crazy stuff, and had fun. Parents weren’t insanely overprotective.
They just told us how to be safe and gave us rules, and then sent us out to
create fun. Hand making rope-swings from trees or just going off in the woods
(filled with snakes, wasps, bobcats, etc.) was just part of being a kid. While
I’m a big believer in overall safety and parental responsibility, it feels our
society has made this giant push for “free range” animals, while simultaneously
caging up our kids with a billion overprotective rules and unnecessary devices
that tie down and limit their imagination, creativity, and need for exploring. Told
you I was gonna Calvin and Hobbes this thang. Whatever comes out I’m just going
to freaking type. End of soapbox.
Ok, now that I have established my “non-pro parent status”,
hopefully everyone can just take this for what it is, my own experience on both
traditional and single parenting; nothing more or less. I understand there are
probably 12,342,864,342 possible scenarios of co-parenting and single
parenting. (Married/Un-married, full/partial custody, healthy relationship with
other parent/unhealthy relationship, single and active co-parenting/Disney
world dad and Mall shopping moms). Again this is my opinions as it pertains to me.
For this post, I think I’m just going to stick with the idea of two people together as a couple/parent team vs doing a majority of the parenting alone. Whew!! I finally feel I can get started ;)
For this post, I think I’m just going to stick with the idea of two people together as a couple/parent team vs doing a majority of the parenting alone. Whew!! I finally feel I can get started ;)
To be honest I feel like single parenting is one of those
things that people can’t grasp until have experienced it yourself (like the
loss of a loved one, divorce, being homeless, etc.). I used to have so much
pity for my single parent friends. In my head, I constantly just felt sorry for
them. Little did I know, my knowledge of their struggles were extremely out of
touch. It was just drawn on snippets of stories they told, what I saw on tv,
and my overall guess of what it must be like. Based on my experience as being a
partner in a wonderful co-parenting team and my experience as a sole
responsibility single parent, I can somewhat related to both groups. I
have noticed that people that always belonged in one category sometimes have
misconceptions of the other. Again, this
is in no way a judgmental or “I know it all” stance, it’s just kind of how I
feel about the subject based on the criteria I listed earlier.
Here are my two
honest truths about Traditional vs Single Parenting:
1) The biggest and
most draining element of Single Parenting is Loneliness/Isolation.
I always thought the
hardest part of single parenting would be finances, not getting “me” time, being
overwhelmed, etc. I was wrong. In my opinion, it’s the isolation that’s the
worst. Granted I work with amazing people and have amazing family and friends.
Mostly though, I was gifted with the most amazing kids ever placed on this
earth. Seriously, my kids literally shock me with how loving, creative,
self-sacrificing, and hilarious they are. However,
all of that that doesn’t fix on that loneliness issue. Granted, the biggest
void in our lives can only be filled by God. That hole is filled in my heart,
thank you Jesus! But I truly believed humans are wired to parent as a team; however,
the roles and duties might differ as each partner from couple to couple. Not
having that solid team mate can be soul crushing. As any parent can tell you,
the responsibility of raising children can be mind boggling heavy at times.
Doing it alone creates this unexplainable feeling of isolation. That feeling
always hits me the worst at night, when all the kids are tucked in and
asleep. I feel like I’m a pilot flying a
plane solo at night. There are no co-captains, no flight attendant, no air marshals,
or crew… it’s just you. I think that’s my point, before I became one, I viewed
the main struggle with single parenting as all of the turbulence that the plane
is going through, but in reality, I feel the hardest part is being in that
dark, tiny cockpit all alone. I can get through the storm, but not having
co-pilot to help navigate, talk to, or simply scratch an itch on my back while
my hands are tied to the controls makes life extremely bleak at times.
2) Traditional
Parenting isn’t necessarily any less stressful –
Some people might not agree with this one, but I honestly (at select times) feel less stress now
as a single parent than I did with my previous marriage was rock solid and the partnership
was amazing. Here’s why I think that… A true partnership goes all in. They
help, build up, support, encourage, and trust each other completely. So yes, when
I was married I didn’t have to do crazy things like bringing a giant quilt into
Toy-R-us while Christmas shopping to cover the cart and ensure that presents
stay a surprise since the kids are with me all of the time. It’s great having a
helpmate! Having someone be able to clean or read with the children while I
cook dinner is an amazing feeling! My argument on this issue is that while
having another parent brings so much support to the table, they also bring
their own issues, problems, responsibilities, etc. But these issues are also
yours. Remember, we were one. That means good and bad. So not only are you
managing children, but trying maintaining a healthy marriage. There is a profound
amount investment of time and energy that has
to be poured into it. Sometimes with kids, that investment gets overlooked
and becomes a challenge. Even the best marriages take constant upkeep,
nourishment, time, and sacrifice. So juggling the responsibilities of being a spouse
vs parent can be freaking tough.
Also, I feel that we are wired to have stress in our lives.
One, it’s impossible to escape it. Two, healthy levels of stress keep our minds
critically thinking, our bodies physically working, and also teaches us how to
express feelings and emotions in a positive manner. Basically, I think we are
wired to take on as much stress as we can handle. This is similar to the idea “The
more money you have, the more you spend and the less money you have, the less
you spend”. When I was married, we had more resources (finances, free time, and
a larger support network). So naturally
as I think we did what we are wired to do. We maximized our resources doing various
things, bought unneeded items, took on extra responsibilities, volunteering,
etc. I believe I also had different standards on the importance of certain
things in my life. So I was running about an 80% stress level based on what I
could handle. Once I got divorced and
became a single parent, I lost a lot of those resources. So naturally I made
adjustments. I began to limit and remove
unnecessary stressors. I also re-evaluated my standards. By accepting realistic
expectations for myself and cutting out extra responsibilities I did not have
the time/mental capacity to handle, life began to balance out again. Even
though I have more on my plate as an individual, I can still operate on an 80%
stress level due to being freed up in other areas.
So in conclusion, by far, I preferred parenting with a
partner. If all of the kids are screaming in the van, instead of being solo and
getting frustrated, I could look over and see some equally wide eyed and about to crack. Those always made me laugh
and lightened my mood. But in reality, God is good. There are things I have
been able to experience and bonds with my children I could have never
established in a two parent situation. So be encouraged. Don’t always assume
that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes the poop
left behind by the other animal fertilizes the ground, which can grow some greener,
better quality grass than before. Although…
just remember that at first you’ll still have to deal with the smell of that crap they've left behind until it’s decayed.
Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,
Seth
As I sat in bed and checked this and that. I thought of what to read tonight. I normally reach for poetry as it always does the trick in the evening. Tonight, I remembered your blog, and thankfully so. I always enjoy reading- I am always left feeling lighter... it's that loneliness, easy to ignite a spark of comforting heat from your writings. so thanks you. Good night.
ReplyDeleteYou're one strong individual. You have the wisdom to see the positive side of life that others would have given up. Good Lord bless you and your family always.
ReplyDeleteNo idea how I have stumbled on your blog, but thanks for putting a voice to this tough gig! I have to bring a blindfold for my son and I to shop for one another; so refreshing to hear and laugh with another solo parent who is also navigating these gigantically small things ;)
ReplyDelete“I feel the hardest part is being in that dark, tiny cockpit all alone.” <- *perfect* analogy for an experience that is difficult to articulate
ReplyDeleteI found you through the Love What Matters Facebook page- I’ve been a single parent for about a year and a half now, after my marriage ended in a similar way to yours. Unfortunately my kids have had to see my grapple my way through the pain...but they’ve also seen each and every hard-won victory along the way. Thank you for putting words to such a difficult life experience, so eloquently! I’ll be looking forward to reading more of your writing, Seth �� Soldier on! ����
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head.
ReplyDeleteYes! These words articulate so many if my
ReplyDeletesingle parenting sentiments ! It’s freeing and daunting all at the same time !
Your website is really cool and this is a great inspiring article. Thank you so much. toddler
ReplyDelete