My “Traditional vs Single” Parenting Truths

I’ve wanted to write this post since I started, but I never did for two reasons:

1) I didn’t want to offend anyone

2) It’s hard to put it into words

So considering that it’s impossible to never offend anyone (I promise I will try to do my best), and mentally I haven’t made any progress on how I should write this, I figured I would just sit down and crank this mamma-jamma out. Pretty much Seth is going to take the classic Calvin and Hobbes approach to life with this post.

First off, let’s just clear up a few things. One, I’m not the best parent. I think I try, but I know people that can parent circles around me. Take for instance the following example: Last night for dinner, I put my kids in bathing suits brought my kids out on the trampoline and gave them a “kids choice” dinner. This consisted of a cold hot dog and a miniature cupcake. Following dinner, I hooked up the sprinkler under the trampoline (with no safety net) and let them fight with pool noodles while bouncing. All this was happening while I was bleaching and scrubbing our family tent that a stray male cat apparently used is its personal urinal for the past few weeks due to my forgetting to close the outside storage closet properly. After cleaning the tent, I unhooked the sprinkler and gave everyone a backyard hose bath before sending them inside. :D #realife Soap Box Alert: Let kids are freaking kids. Growing up, our generation just played outside, did crazy stuff, and had fun. Parents weren’t insanely overprotective. They just told us how to be safe and gave us rules, and then sent us out to create fun. Hand making rope-swings from trees or just going off in the woods (filled with snakes, wasps, bobcats, etc.) was just part of being a kid. While I’m a big believer in overall safety and parental responsibility, it feels our society has made this giant push for “free range” animals, while simultaneously caging up our kids with a billion overprotective rules and unnecessary devices that tie down and limit their imagination, creativity, and need for exploring. Told you I was gonna Calvin and Hobbes this thang. Whatever comes out I’m just going to freaking type.  End of soapbox.

Ok, now that I have established my “non-pro parent status”, hopefully everyone can just take this for what it is, my own experience on both traditional and single parenting; nothing more or less. I understand there are probably 12,342,864,342 possible scenarios of co-parenting and single parenting. (Married/Un-married, full/partial custody, healthy relationship with other parent/unhealthy relationship, single and active co-parenting/Disney world dad and Mall shopping moms). Again this is my opinions as it pertains to me. 

For this post, I think I’m just going to stick with the idea of two people together as a couple/parent team vs doing a majority of the parenting alone. Whew!! I finally feel I can get started ;)

To be honest I feel like single parenting is one of those things that people can’t grasp until have experienced it yourself (like the loss of a loved one, divorce, being homeless, etc.). I used to have so much pity for my single parent friends. In my head, I constantly just felt sorry for them. Little did I know, my knowledge of their struggles were extremely out of touch. It was just drawn on snippets of stories they told, what I saw on tv, and my overall guess of what it must be like. Based on my experience as being a partner in a wonderful co-parenting team and my experience as a sole responsibility single parent, I can somewhat related to both groups. I have noticed that people that always belonged in one category sometimes have misconceptions of the other. Again, this is in no way a judgmental or “I know it all” stance, it’s just kind of how I feel about the subject based on the criteria I listed earlier.

Here are my two honest truths about Traditional vs Single Parenting:

1) The biggest and most draining element of Single Parenting is Loneliness/Isolation.

 I always thought the hardest part of single parenting would be finances, not getting “me” time, being overwhelmed, etc. I was wrong. In my opinion, it’s the isolation that’s the worst. Granted I work with amazing people and have amazing family and friends. Mostly though, I was gifted with the most amazing kids ever placed on this earth. Seriously, my kids literally shock me with how loving, creative, self-sacrificing, and hilarious they are. However, all of that that doesn’t fix on that loneliness issue. Granted, the biggest void in our lives can only be filled by God. That hole is filled in my heart, thank you Jesus! But I truly believed humans are wired to parent as a team; however, the roles and duties might differ as each partner from couple to couple. Not having that solid team mate can be soul crushing. As any parent can tell you, the responsibility of raising children can be mind boggling heavy at times. Doing it alone creates this unexplainable feeling of isolation. That feeling always hits me the worst at night, when all the kids are tucked in and asleep.  I feel like I’m a pilot flying a plane solo at night. There are no co-captains, no flight attendant, no air marshals, or crew… it’s just you. I think that’s my point, before I became one, I viewed the main struggle with single parenting as all of the turbulence that the plane is going through, but in reality, I feel the hardest part is being in that dark, tiny cockpit all alone. I can get through the storm, but not having co-pilot to help navigate, talk to, or simply scratch an itch on my back while my hands are tied to the controls makes life extremely bleak at times.

2) Traditional Parenting isn’t necessarily any less stressful –

Some people might not agree with this one, but I honestly (at select times) feel less stress now as a single parent than I did with my previous marriage was rock solid and the partnership was amazing. Here’s why I think that… A true partnership goes all in. They help, build up, support, encourage, and trust each other completely. So yes, when I was married I didn’t have to do crazy things like bringing a giant quilt into Toy-R-us while Christmas shopping to cover the cart and ensure that presents stay a surprise since the kids are with me all of the time. It’s great having a helpmate! Having someone be able to clean or read with the children while I cook dinner is an amazing feeling! My argument on this issue is that while having another parent brings so much support to the table, they also bring their own issues, problems, responsibilities, etc. But these issues are also yours. Remember, we were one. That means good and bad. So not only are you managing children, but trying maintaining a healthy marriage. There is a profound amount investment of time and energy that has to be poured into it. Sometimes with kids, that investment gets overlooked and becomes a challenge. Even the best marriages take constant upkeep, nourishment, time, and sacrifice. So juggling the responsibilities of being a spouse vs parent can be freaking tough.

Also, I feel that we are wired to have stress in our lives. One, it’s impossible to escape it. Two, healthy levels of stress keep our minds critically thinking, our bodies physically working, and also teaches us how to express feelings and emotions in a positive manner. Basically, I think we are wired to take on as much stress as we can handle. This is similar to the idea “The more money you have, the more you spend and the less money you have, the less you spend”. When I was married, we had more resources (finances, free time, and a larger support network).  So naturally as I think we did what we are wired to do. We maximized our resources doing various things, bought unneeded items, took on extra responsibilities, volunteering, etc. I believe I also had different standards on the importance of certain things in my life. So I was running about an 80% stress level based on what I could handle.  Once I got divorced and became a single parent, I lost a lot of those resources. So naturally I made adjustments.  I began to limit and remove unnecessary stressors. I also re-evaluated my standards. By accepting realistic expectations for myself and cutting out extra responsibilities I did not have the time/mental capacity to handle, life began to balance out again. Even though I have more on my plate as an individual, I can still operate on an 80% stress level due to being freed up in other areas.

So in conclusion, by far, I preferred parenting with a partner. If all of the kids are screaming in the van, instead of being solo and getting frustrated, I could look over and see some equally wide eyed  and about to crack. Those always made me laugh and lightened my mood. But in reality, God is good. There are things I have been able to experience and bonds with my children I could have never established in a two parent situation. So be encouraged. Don’t always assume that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes the poop left behind by the other animal fertilizes the ground, which can grow some greener, better quality grass than before. Although… just remember that at first you’ll still have to deal with the smell of that crap they've left behind until it’s decayed. 

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

"My Origin Story" - My marriage

Note: I just finished writing this thing. 

There's no way I'm proofing it #toolazytoproof. 

So please just ignore any grammar mistakes :D

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I think I take it for granted that people just kind of know all about the kids and my life now. I mean, I kinda just type whatever the heck is on my brain for the world to read… you’re welcome world. Hahaha. I just kinda figure everyone pretty knows all about us. But then I started thinking, I don’t think I’ve ever really dove into my married life. It was about an entire third of my existence, but I just don’t mention it much here. I’ve talked a little here and there, but nothing major. I have talked about divorce a few times. Mostly, I think that’s because I’m worried my family and friends will think I’m still heartbroken over Crissy. I’m not. Or still in love with her. Again, I’m not. Or hoping that we will ever get back together in the future. Again, again. I’m not. However, I would like to talk about my life and story about us getting while we were together. Not because I miss it or anything. The way I like to describe how I feel about my marriage now like a can of diet soda. At first sip and while you’re drinking it, the taste is refreshing and nice; however, the aftertaste is just disgusting. (Sorry diet soda fans). I mean, it was nice but after experiencing that aftertaste I don’t want another sip. I think it's easy for me to disassociate with my memories of that relationship, because the aftertaste (bad years) was just so gross. However most of those years (which were mostly awesome) played a significant part of my story. Not only during the marriage, but after as well. Most of my adult life was spend with Crissy by my side but I don’t believe many of you know about those years. So I think it’s time to bite the bullet and just start from the beginning. Hopefully as I go along you’ll kind of see my intentions of this post. My goal is for this to be kind of like an Origin Story of the person I am today. J Also, I figured I might as well type this up because I’m starting to forget more and more of this part of my life (not complaining), and one day the kids might ask about me and their mom together, so I can refer to this post as a refresher. I will try to keep it as short as possible, but it might be lengthy. Just FYI.

Crissy and I met a few times before we actually really “met”. We went to high school together. She was a pretty, popular girl. After high school, she started working at Applebee’s where I was already working. So I trained her. We got along well at work, but that was really about it. Finally, one day one of our mutual friends wanted to throw a surprise party for his girlfriend (who was also a mutual friend). So pretty much, he was just “I’m going to distract her today. You two just plan a party by tonight and I will bring her over to be surprised.” Hahaha. So there we were, just two new friends driving around town in my first car.

Anyways after that day we just started hanging out the time. Just friends that eventually evolved into best friends. We are pretty much inseparable. Neither of us had romantic feelings, just best buddies. Well, that kind of changed a few months later, when we took “The Road Trip”. Those few days were some of the craziest in my life. Seriously, I need to post about it soon. I think everyone would really enjoy it. But until then, I’ll give an ultra-brief summary. Our friends, Reed and April, Crissy, and I went on a road trip to the beach one summer. We all just kinda piled in the bus and went. On that trip, it kinda of just hit me. I was in love with her. It was a super strange and nerve wracking feeling. I didn’t say anything on the trip or for a while after. Finally, one day I just told her. She said she didn’t feel the same. I remember lying in bed that night being so heartbroken. Getting your heart crushed at 18 was no fun. L So the next morning, I drove out to her parents’ house to talk to her. She really didn’t want to hear what I had to say on the matter, but I was persistent. I laid it flat out on the table. “Crissy, what chance do I have of us ever getting together?” Her response, “I promise you that you have absolutely zero chance ever. That’s not going to happen.” I appreciated her honesty. I knew it was tough for her too. No one likes to lose a best friend. So I slowly trudged to my bus, got in, cried, and drove home. We kinda of quit talking or seeing each other after that. It was literally us hanging out together 24/7 for months and months to zero communication. It was hard on me, but I got through it.

A few months pass…

I was at work and my manager came and told me I had a phone call. (This is back in day before everyone had cell phones. Don’t you miss those days? :D ) It was Crissy. I was stunned. She asked if I wanted to come over after work. Of course, I said yes! So I went over there and she explained how no one treated the way I did and she missed me. I was happy. Suddenly, we were back on track spending all of our time together. Then one night while we were helping a friend move (Crissy showed up in overalls, a trucker hat, and a painted on beard to look like a “mover” hahaha), she kissed me. I’ll be completely honest. I was stunned. She kept kissing me, and I think my brain and body must have not been able to handle it, because I immediately went to the bathroom and puked! HAHAHAHA. I felt sick the entire next day. It was just a super intense rush of feelings and emotions. She kinda just hung out with me on my parents couch. We both laughed about how I got so excited from kissing her that I puked and had to just lay down for a day and soak all of this in.

So later that afternoon, we went back to our friends new house to help her unpack and move her stuff into her new place. It was very late before we finished. I remember the date. It was July 2, 2004. It was about 2am, and our friend moved by VSU so we decided to just go for a walk around campus. I could tell we both just “knew”. So during the walk I leaned down, picked a wild flower, and asked her to marry me. She said “Yes. Of course.” And that was that. J

We suddenly tried to think of how to explain this to our parents. She was 19; I was 18. How were we supposed to tell them that we were engaged?!? Also, I still needed to officially ask her dad’s permission. So we came up with this secret plan… We told both of our parents we were just dating, so they wouldn’t think we were crazy. Then after a few months, I asked her dad to marry her. He said “Nope.” HAHAHA. I remember sitting there in side by side arm chairs for about an hour trying to convince him to let me marry her. I literally drew little charts explaining how Crissy’s GPA and work performance had improved with us “dating”. Finally, he looked at me super serious and said “Fine, but she’d better not be holding a baby until after she’s walked across that college graduation stage.”

Yay!! I was delighted. This was October 2004. We immediately started planning this wedding. I rented an apartment to have a place for us to rent. That place was a literal dump, but it was all I could afford. It had six foot ceilings, and I’m 6’2. It was pretty much just a tiny, TINY one bedroom apartment. However, it was ultra-cheap and right across the street from the college. This was awesome because we were both in school full time. The day I moved out, my dad took me to the side and made me promise him one thing. He said, “Promise me, that you will both never sleep in that apartment, until you two are married.” I agreed and so thankful for that advice. My dad is such a wise man. However, we were taking all of our classes together and working all of our jobs together. So driving her 25 miles home every night in my bus (that had a top speed of about 40 mph) was just getting kind of old. We both decided we needed to bump the wedding day up. We sat down with her parents and said “Ok. We are moving the wedding date.” Her mom’s response, “THANK GOD!! You two need to be engaged for at least a year.” We both kinda looked at each other and laughingly cringed, replying “No, we are bumping it UP. We are getting married in January 2005.” Hahahaha.

So January came. We were both so excited for the big day. Our wedding was super fun and original I like to believe. It was a 1960’s theme wedding. On the invitations, we encouraged people to dress up if they wanted to. In the foyer of the church, we had face painting, hair wraps, love beads, and a station to leave your shoes so people could go barefoot into the wedding ceremony if they wanted. Crissy and I did everything pretty much from scratch. We tie-dyed sheets to hang in the church. Our friend helped us make the flower arrangements. It was just a fun event. Our friends dressed as pirates and were the door greeters. The ring bearers were some of our friends dressed in full costume as Scooby Doo and the Pink Power Ranger. That was just a really fun day. J

There we were two 19 year old married kids taking all of our college classes and working all of our jobs together (We typically kept about 2-3 jobs while in school to avoid loans and be financially independent.) We spend our free time volunteering around town together.  It was some of the best years of my life. Crissy and I were inseparable. Most of our friends called us “Criss and Sethy”. Those super broke younger married days are the ones I always think of first. We were just living on love, and man we were in love.

Finally, when we were college seniors Crissy accidentally ended up pregnant; however, I did keep my promise to her dad. She did not walk across that stage holding a baby. She just walked across it 8 months pregnant. Hahahaha!! I was so excited to become a “daddy”. I always wanted to have kids. In March 2008, we welcomed our little Stevie Joy into the world. We kept her a surprise, but I was convinced she was a boy that we were going to name “Titus”. Crissy got a full time job working for Babies Can’t Wait. We built a house. I decided to go back for my masters. It was a time of big changes, but Crissy and I were tighter than ever. I remember once, I went out of town for a few days, and she called me every day of that trip crying. Not because she was stressed about having a baby by herself, but because she just wanted me to be there with them.

You can identify the child by my glasses frames :)

Months pass. We sell our house, and I graduate with my Masters. Soon we find out that Stevie is going to have a little sister. So in July of 2009, Neela Grace was brought into the world. I start looking for a job as a K-12 Library Media Specialist, but couldn’t find any for a long time. I remember becoming pretty depressed during this time. I just remember a thinking that a man needed to provide. The best I could get was a part time job at a local private school. The pay was hardly anything, but at least it was some actual experience. My spirits were really low. One specific thing that always comes to mind during this time frame was Crissy coming to sit in my lap, picking up my head, looking me dead in the eyes and saying “Seth. I love you more than you understand. I’m proud of you. Don’t stress over this job. Let’s just love each other, love people, and love Jesus.” It was such a tender moment that I felt truly so blessed to have her in my life.

Eventually, I get a job at Wiregrass GA Technical College (formerly Valdosta Technical College). The pay was minimal, but at the time I WANTED that job. I would have a REAL job. They called me into do three different interviews. I didn’t hear anything for a while after that, so I started to become depressed again, until I got the call!! I got the job, and we were officially rich! Hahaha. Soon after, I finally got my “Titus”. We moved into a little house that was formerly her granddads. Besides the crappy apartment, 603 E. Stanfill Street holds the fondest memories. We were just this little family that was completely in love with each other. I can’t really express how close we were then. We led a marriage group a church and were constantly asked for marriage advice from people. I just remember playing in our backyard and my heart feeling so full.

After about two years, we move out of our Hahira house and into my parents’ old house to help take care of my grandmother. They moved to Alabama but my Mimi lived in a mother-in-law suite attached to their house. This was also a fun time in our married life. We were just a family living on the farm and now expecting our last child, Olive!! The kids loved living there. To be honest, so did I. Then our life changed again when I was offered my current job at Valdosta State University. The pay was significantly much more which was exciting. So exciting in fact, that we decided to buy a second home from her dad. (He is a contractor and sold us both of our houses for very cheap. Her parents are such blessings still to this day.)

There we were. We finally made it to official adulthood. Both with good paying professional jobs, a little stair step patch of kids, and a brand new super nice house. I know what really happened next, but we kind of became a little more distant. I was working more and she was busy with her job (she worked two days a week) and being a mommy. We were still very close and happily married, but I think we could both feel something was off.

Time passed and she started going out with friends more and more at night, while I stayed home with the kids. This led to arguments, which resulted in marital conflict. We never had this happen before. I mean, we fought from time to time, but never like this. She started drifting off more and more frequently. Meanwhile, I was becoming more and more bitter about my wife leaving me all the time to be with her friends. We both made mistakes during this time. Not pointing any blame. There are always two sides to every story, but finally it came to the point that I was with the kids alone pretty much all of the time besides when I was working. That was a tough time for me. She started hinting for a divorce, but I always said that I would never ever agree to that. We loved each other and needed to build our marriage back up. The situation grows progressively worse. Days, weeks, months pass. By now I’m doing the kids solo and Crissy has moved out. No one knows anything. I keep up a social media appearance that we are still a happy couple. When we happen to see each other, things usually erupt. I’m just so broken and hurt that my best friend just left me. This is only escalated by the fact that I’m pretty much I total train wreck raising four kids on my own. Still, I hold on to the hope that this marriage would be healed. I’m constantly talking privately with a small group friends and counselors trying to work out my brokenness.

Then, one day I just feel this sudden peace. That was God btw. We stopped fighting. He molded me from an “interrogator” into an “encourager”.  I was positive that I would be able to keep things together and protect her reputation so it was be a seamless transition into our happy harmony again. I was beginning to get the hang of being a single working dad/full time parent of four. Every single night, I would sit for hours and pray for her, our marriage, and our kids. However, it seemed the more healing I found, the further Crissy drifted away from the kids and me. We hardly saw her. Still I had peace and was able to show that peace to the kids. Remember, Crissy used to be the most legit mom ever. Having her fade away from their lives was almost too much too watch. However like I said, me and “my crew” as I started to call them found peace in midst of the storm. I learned little techniques to help them cope with everything that was going on. Soon, it was like she was kinda just gone completely, but we were still married.  

Although I felt peace, it was still heart breaking. More and more people began to call me with “Crissy stories” and questions about what was going on. My fear of divorce slowly faded into an actual thought “what if it happened?” I began to pray more and more about this. Not trying to spread gossip, but Biblically speaking I had firm ground to stand on in the case of divorce.  Then my worry was “What if I lose the kids.” Honestly, how many dads of four with full time jobs get custody? So I started praying. I felt God telling me to fast (not eat) for two days and truly put my whole heart into praying and listening for an answer. Then driving home from work (I remember the time of day and the exact spot of the road I was driving), I felt God tell me “You’ve done well”. I knew it was time to file. The process was so nerve-wracking. I lost so much weight from just being so overwhelmed that I literally never had an appetite. Those months were the most anxious times in my life. I was constantly worried that Crissy would get the kids. However in the end, she agreed that I should have primary custody and she would get every other weekend visitations. Praise God!! The kids and I had become so unbelievably tight throughout the past few years of walking through this together that I couldn’t imagine not having them with me. It was an answer to prayer. I was and still am elated with the outcome.

I just keep on keeping on. Just “living the dream” (my go to response for questions about life). Life became such a fun thing. I was living this incredibly unique gift of a life that was filled with the craziest stories of the most awesome kids in the entire world. Every day seemed to be an adventure. However, I did feel sad at times that I didn’t have anyone to share all of these crazy stories and silly experiences with.  Then one night, I thought to myself “You know what? I’m not just going to sit around and wait for a wife to share this stuff. I’m gonna stuff putting this stuff online. If nothing else, it will be a fun way to remember things for when the kids grow up.” That was the beginning of the blog you are reading now. Yay! Fun, right ;)

So yeah, that’s my Origin Story. I love the person I am. I love my kids. I love the life I have. I love the God I serve.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

Adulting is hard...

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little guilty about the blog/facebook, regarding how I post. I think it’s something everyone does, but I just wanted to discuss it a little. Reality vs Online. I’ve actually discussed this exact topic before regarding one specific night at dinner (read it here). But I think this post will be a little more serious.  I’m writing this is the middle of the night, so I honestly have no clue where it will go and even make sense. hahaha

Man, life can be hard. I know everyone struggles in various areas. Some people pretend like they don’t but they do. The internet has really snowballed that in my opinion. We get so well at portraying this fun, attractive, put together life for people to “like” that people get a skewed view of what our life actually is. Today, I am going to talk specifically about my struggles. I know everyone has them so this definitely isn’t a pity party. I think of it as more or less balancing the scales between the fun, wacky family image I portray online vs reality of how I feel about life at times. I'm fairly positive other people will relate, so here we go…

It comes in highs and lows. Mountains and valleys. Sometimes it’s good, other’s it’s not. I feel so much pressure at times, it literally feels like my head is going to explode or I can actually feel my hair growing gray. No matter how good life is going, there are always constants running through my brain pretty much at all times. These constants change with time. For the past few weeks/months, this is what is typically running through my brain at any given moment:

1) These four kids are pretty much solely dependent on me. For everything. That alone is a lot. 

2) I am getting more and more responbilities at work. It’s good, but I always have a full plate each day. There are always little fires to put out, which always delay my plan for the day.

        - Then I break down each individual project and it’s impending due date

3) How am I supposed to talk about mom? How frequently? Which child can handle what?

4) I have to sort and purge out clothes to make room for the clean laundry that’s seasonal, fits, and is waiting to be put up.

5) I have to clean my house, lawn, backyard. It’s so cluttered and disorganized. I have bags waiting to be taken to donate and others to the dump. I have closets, a storage room, an attic, and garage to clean and purge.

         - I have so much junk collected in every square inch of the house.

6) I have to repair a few things on my house to get it ready to sell by this summer. Then I have to sell it while living here simultaneously. Once I get it sold, I will have to move somewhere locally. How will the move go? Will the kids be able to stay in their school with their friends?

7) The kids need a lot more individual time working on education. They need more one on one time to work on individual skills, but with my other responsibilities, I literally can’t give them the time they need.

8) I would love for them to have a positive woman in their life (step-mom), but how am I supposed to do that if I can’t find time to maintain my normal life. I can’t even catch up on my stuff. No way am I going to dump it on someone else.  However, it would be nice to have someone to let me put my head in their lap and rub my head after a long day. I just don’t have the time to even think about that.

9) I need to get summer care covered so I can work.

10) The kids need more time around friends.

11) The kids need to be eating healthier, watching screens less, and be more involved in the community.

-Again, it’s a time thing. If I’m working, cleaning, doing paperwork, paying bills, working   on homework, etc. that means I’m not focusing on other things. I feel like my kids are constantly waiting on me to finish something before they have my attention.

12) I need to visit and talk with my family and friends more.

13) I have a lot of personal projects that people are waiting on me to complete.

14) Finances.

15) I need to sleep more.

It’s like I continually fall farther and farther behind, but can’t be behind so I just working harder and harder to catch up. For instance, here’s a little example. Just one little thing can cause a log jam. Titus used to take a seizure medicine. It messed up his sleep cycles, so he had to take sleep medicine to help him sleep. He’s been taking it maybe 2 years. I didn’t want him to grow up and be dependent on medicine to sleep, so I decided to really try to get him off the medicine. So instead of doing my normal routine of washing dishes, sweeping and mopping, laundry, play time, catching up on work, etc that I do every night between bath time and bedtime, I tried super hard to get him relaxed and sleepy. Good news, is it worked. He’s off the sleep medicine, but it took about two weeks. So all of my daily responsibilities got pushed back farther into the night or to another day.  Something always is coming up like that daily (as I’m sure it does with you as well). Neela is probably getting held back a year (she’s the youngest in her class). She is not progressing with reading like she should. So I’m trying to spend extra time with her. I just got an email from Titus’s teacher saying he’s fallen behind on his sight word list. I know it’s because I’ve been diverting that time to Neela. It’s always some judgment call that I’m ultimately alone in making. Thank God Stevie is an early bloomer. To be honest, besides checking her homework and skimming through the Friday folder. The only thing I know about her education is what we talk about or what comes up in conversation.  It makes me sad not being involved like I would like to be in certain areas of their lives. I know I try my best and do my best. That's important to remind myself. 

I feel like I have been running with an empty gas tank for so long. I try my best to stay upbeat and positive. Every day, I try to wake up smiling and happy singing “It’s going to be a great day today.”  I will take a little video and put it on Facebook. It cheers me up a little seeing people adoring my sweet kids. However, I feel like I can only mentally process and physically do so much. Each day, I wake up more tired than the last with more things to do.  Man, I’ve prayed so much for endurance and joy. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to wind down the clock with the best attitude possible and mostly for my kids not to notice. I do have joy and happy times, but single fatherhood has definitely taken its toll. There are moments, I feel dizzy and nauseous from stress, lack of sleep, or loneliness so I just try to rest but there’s constantly someone needing something at home, work, or just life in general.

So I guess the point of this is to reassure even when people seem to have the perfect life, that really no one has it completely together. Adulting is hard. God helps fill gaps and build me up spiritually, but even Jesus at times got upset, drained, or physically tired. It’s just the human experience.

On a brighter note being a Megow is awesome. My life is exhausting and so stressful, but I really wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m proud of the person I’ve become through the stuff I’ve walked through. (It feels really good to say that). Even through all of the uphill climbs, I’m grateful to be alive and have healthy and happy kids. I’m blessed. Sure, this is a tough time, but I know it will get better. I always tell myself that. Even if more and more stuff pile up on my to do list, tomorrow will always be better than today. If I can make today a good day, tomorrow will be even better J 

I just wanted to share my struggles and let people know that you are definitely not alone with this stuff. We all deal with it. I don’t post like stuff for sympathy or pity. Nor for “likes” or for social media shares. Mostly, I like to remind people that no matter how bad it gets we are all blessed because we have a Father that has our back ;) That's always a reason to smile.

Be Blessed,

Seth 

(Ex)changes

This post isn’t specifically for divorced people; it’s for pretty much anyone who has had a serious relationship end. However, I’m going to give me take on this topic (which is having a divorced ex and kids with that person).

I don’t think anyone would deny the concept of having an Ex is just freaking weird. No matter your current relationship with that person, it’s just a little strange. Not only do they know pretty much everything good about you, but since you’ve broken up, it’s pretty evident that things went south and they’ve pretty seen the worst of you. I think that’s why I wanted to post this. I’ve seen people that have wonderful (as much as possible) relationships with their ex; on the contrast, I’ve seen others that literally terrify me. Hahahaha.

Ok. I'm going to leave to get some coffee....

You guys want some coffee?

Will both of you be alive when I get back?

As an Ex, you pretty much have as much ammo you could ever want to destroy each other. You know the inner workings of each other. You know how each other’s minds work. You know what makes each other tick. However, on the flip side, you know how to calm them down. You know what makes them happy. You have mutual happy memories together. (Again, this is for me mostly and I know every situation is different. I’m talking in general here. If it was a serious domestic abuse case or something serious, please know I’m not referring to those types of situations).   I’m just saying in general, there are good and bad things we can focus on.

There just seems to be two ways of handling things here. Use the bad for hate or use the good for love. Especially, if there are children involved. When I look at my kids, I can kind of gauge how I’m treating Crissy. They need to see their dad treat their mom with love, respect, and honoring her position as their mother. I mean, she’s not my spouse anymore, but she will always be their mom. Seeing my kids loving their mom and keeping that relationship as tight as possible is one of my main goals. I wanted to just kind of share what I do to keep as much peace as possible in that relationship and those interactions. Now, I screw it up from time to time just like anyone would. These are just my tips for myself that I have found produce the healthiest (ex) relationship and mental state for myself.

1) Think about my kids.

That’s pretty much always at the top. As I said earlier, kids should never hear anything negatively slung around about either of their parents. My kids are pretty uniformed about the situation and I tend to always keep it that way. As they grow older and begin to ask questions about what happened between mom and dad, I will probably mostly touch on things I could have done better. If they want to know specifics about things from mom’s view point, I will provide short, brief answers, but encourage them to talk to their mom. I really don’t want my kids to ever hear me talk about their mom. Even if they might not know all the facts, they will know that dad and mom freaking love the crap out of them.  It’s our job as parents to make sure that is clearly evident. Also, how refreshing must it be to be able to share a fun story about mom or dad with the other parent and have it received with equal joy? Kids shouldn’t be scared to talk about their parents.

2) Don’t harp on bad memories or regrets

The kids of course are my number one reason to keep things friendly. However, this tactic is probably my best way of ensuring we look forward. Now, let me just say this. I know some of you might be thinking that you have memories so bad you could never move past them. I get that. I still wake up sometimes from dreams that I’m reliving certain events. There are horrible. But it’s our choice to allow those things to shape and define the relationship we choose to make. Even if there is no relationship or communication at all, I think it’s so healthy to find some kind of peace in your mind about whatever happened.  It’s like that little life lesson.

Whatever you do, make sure right now that you do NOT think of a blue rubber duck.

Don’t think about that little blue rubber duck.

It’s pretty much impossible to do that. Just to shut off thoughts entirely; however, it is possible (for me anyway) to change my pattern of thinking.

Let’s think about a delicious taco.

See how yummy that looks. J

Whenever, I have negative thoughts pop into my head about Crissy, I immediately try to pray and replace those with some positive ones. At first, there was so much negative, it seemed almost impossible to replace bad memories with good ones. I kept at it. I thought about funny stories and little things like that. Granted, I don’t advise doing this if you are still in love with this person. If you haven’t moved on, you might be torturing yourself. Hahahaha. This stuff is just for couples that are clearly not in love any longer.  Also, I don’t try to “love” memories of us as a couple. I try to replace bad things with memories of her being a good mom and a good friend. That really helped me move her in my mind from “my ex who drove me crazy” to “the mom of my kids and one of the best friends I have ever had”.

3) Just accept that sometimes it’s a one way street

Fortunately for me, Crissy and I have found a bit of common ground and some of our friendship back. It’s not like it was and never will be. But it’s nice being able to work together for the kids and for our own emotions. But that was not always the case. There were times I felt I was forgiving and fighting to keep peace by myself. That junk sucks. Seriously, it is the worst.  

It took me a long time to learn that I’m just responsible for myself. As long as I was doing the best I honestly can, I felt peace. If I said something rude or lost my temper, I apologized. If I felt hurt or betrayed, I just forgave her. Some things, I might never receive a specific apology for. That’s totally fine with me, because how the heck I am not for forgive. Everyone has done crap to other people. True forgiveness is refreshing to the forgiver. That won’t erase the scars, but it can erase the bitterness. Ask me how I know.

I remember one day a year or two ago, I was super hurt and upset about something that had happened. I was talking to my friend Nicole and she gave me an analogy that I think about quite often to this day. I was describing a particular incident and how much of a gaping hole I felt from it. She told me this little story about a tree. When it was younger, it got cut up and damaged. At the time, the scars took up a huge part of the little tree; however as the tree kept growing the scars never shrank, but they seemed smaller and smaller compared to the massive and healthy size of the tree. I try not to let things in the past stump my growth. Really personal, spiritual, and emotional growth is one of the best things I’ve found to make those scars seem smaller in my life. That, in turn, results in a better outlook on the relationship with Crissy and a brighter hope for the future as we continue to co-parent our children.

Be blessed and know you're awesome!

Seth  

My Divorce - Closing the Book

Well, here's another personal post. I'll try to work some humor into it. As always, I'm just sitting down with not any thought of what I am going to write so we'll see where this goes ;) PS. I always just sit and type, hence the multitude of grammatical errors. Proofreading's not my thing.

Yup. I'm write and immediately "publish" kind of dude :D

"I'm not in love with you anymore".  I'm sure at some point in our lives, many of us have probably heard that. If you haven't Praise God and I hope that you never do. But for those of us that have, it's the worst. I've had a lot of people ask about my divorce. I tend to keep that stuff private. Plus, it would just be my side of things. So I don't think it would be a fair assessment or opinion to share publicly. However, I will say that the best way I can describe the feeling of having a spouse or significant other you have shared your life and most intimate parts of yourself with is similar to when I found out that I was going to be a father. Except the exact opposite. When I figured I was going to be a daddy for the first time, I my stomach was churning with emotions, nervousness, anticipation, and a ton of other feelings; however, I knew it would result in life and joy. On the other hand, when I figured out I was getting a divorce, I was suddenly filled with more emotions than I could even possibly fathom and I knew that the outcome was going to be the death of my perceived hopes and dreams for my future. I'm a big picture thinker. So I had already planned out our retirement plans (passing out free balloon animals and stickers at festivals. Side note, there is hardly ever anything free for kids anymore at those things) , grandparent names (Pootie and Nena), and my 50th anniversary wedding present. Having that ripped away was tough. I felt like I tried every single thing I could to make it work, but in the end, it just didn't.

So there I was a single dad of four kids. Not much family living near me and a whole lot of sadness. Side note: I really don't like when people tell people who don't have children going through a divorce, "at least you don't have kids." I couldn't imagine losing a child (it has to be the worst and more horrific thing on the planet). In my mind, that's like telling a parent who just lost a child "At least, you still have other kids." Divorce sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks if you have kids or if you don't. It sucks if you have been married for 1 year and sucks if you have been married for 40 years. I mean, yes in some aspects, I found some sort of relieve. There was many issues way out of my control. Cutting free from that was somewhat freeing. But there's just so much emotion, it seems impossible to find joy. You feel guilty for feeling relieve. You feel sad that you're not going to have that person by your side. You feel fear that you're not valuable as a mate. You feel anger that you've been wronged by that person. Seriously, it's just crazy trying to process it.

Granted my situation was a bit different, I had time to process many emotions during the last year of our marriage, I felt like the divorce would be easier for me. Was I right? In some ways, yes. Soon after that I found out I was really just kind of numb and still needed to process a lot of stuff. I think the best decision I made was going through DivorceCare. One it was nice being in a safe place to vent and be around people just as confused, sad, angry, depressed, etc. as I was. There little videos we watched that were surprisingly insightful, and then we had our discussion time. Everyone talked. No one really holds back, but everything is met with love, care, and practical advice. One of the biggest things I got out of it is that I was allowed to deal with these emotions. As I said in my previous posts about divorce, before all of this started I was pretty much the typical man. I didn't really feel much emotion and when I did, I did not know how to process it. Breaking down that barrier to actually feel things and understand them was a big step. Guys tend to just bottle that kind of stuff up. That really wasn't healthy for me. Because eventually those feelings would find their way out and that was never pretty because I had no clue how to control them. The class helped me lay all that stuff on the table and helped me deal with it head on. Another thing that really stuck out to me what the idea of really taking at least a year before jumping into any new relationships. Actually, I did develop feelings for someone during that year wait, but nothing ever happened from it. I'm glad it didn't. Staying single and focusing on improving me, my relationship with God, and my relationship with my kids was a life saver. You are trying to pick up the pieces of yourself and your life after it was pretty much blown to bits. Trying to build something new, before you have yourself complete is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. I learned I have to just love me for me. I had been married ten years, so much of my personality was tied to Crissy that it was hard for me to figure out who "Seth" was. For so long it was "Seth and Crissy", that I kind of needed a reminder that I'm still complete just being "Seth".

So it's been about a year since my divorce. I can honestly say I feel amazing. Yes, I'm completely unsure of what my future holds, but I can't explain how incredible it feels to be able to drive past places where we had our first kiss and not get sad or seeing a place that I've heard rumors about and not get angry. Mostly, it's nice not feeling numb. People tell me sometimes to "remember the good and forget the bad". Well, to be frank. That's just horrible advice, hahaha :D I can't make myself forget things. However, I can come to the point where when a memory like that comes up, I can just think how much God had his hand on improving my life from that particular point in my life and how much I have grown from that specific event.

Mostly, I thank God that He's stuck by me this long. I felt I've grown so much over the past year. (Note to past Seth: you can be kinda a jerk sometimes and you need to have more fun in life). Seriously, I can't remember being this happy in a long time. I think I'm really starting to find my stride here ;) Throughout my entire life, I wanted to know my purpose or calling. Like besides being a husband and dad. I never could quite grasp it. One thing that I feel was the "lightbulb turning on" was dicovering my depth of empathy I feel I was gifted with but never bothered to grow or focus on. Once I started to feel empathy towards people, it radically altered my life. I guess I got so caught up with my great marriage and awesome kids, I couldn't really understand the need for it. Now though, I love being empathic. I mean I'm not trying to sound braggy. I just feel it's one my the main ways I've grown. Everyone has gifts and strengths, we just have to find out what they are. I found mine through prayer and more prayer.

I love the fact that I love myself. I love the fact that I feel I make a difference by making people smile and laugh. Nothing feels better than giving an encouraging word and doing a small act of kindness for someone you can sense might need it. Back to my purpose, I finally found it. It's encouragement. As my papa liked to say "Brighten the corner where you are". People can sense true joy and contentment. I've had friends in my life that were bubbling with joy and I was so jealous of it ;) I wanted to just be "that happy". Well, I might not be there yet, but I do think I'm learning to be!

I feel like I've walked through the most horrific, waking nightmare, but I'm finally awake from it. I can talk openly about how I screwed up, how I got hurt, and how it affected the kids without spiraling back down into that dark place. I look forward to everyday now! I love seeing my co-workers and telling a stupid joke or helping fix a problem that might not be in the job description. I love staying up at night writing silly stories about me and the kids on the blog. I love seeing my friends who I have been hiding from because previously I was afraid I couldn't handle being around them because it would remind me of times Crissy and I hung out with them together.

My kids are happy and healthy. They have grown in ways that astonish me. Even at their young age, their compassion and love for life amazes me every day. Each of them have their own memories and views on how things went down, but at the end of the day they are confident that God, Dad, and Mom love them very much. While they miss mom, they truly love her dearly and I make it a point to keep that alive everyday.

Now that I found my way out of all the crap and my kids are healthy, here's the million dollar question... What's next in terms of adding another Megow (or several Megows) to our crazy little clan. I don't really know. For the longest, I constantly beat myself up about it. Who in their right mind would want to be with a dude who was divorced with four small kids? I think now that God and my friends have shown me who amazingly awesome my kids are and rebuilt me in a way that I can be proud of, I think who in their right mind wouldn't want to join our clan? ;) For so long, I had this little formula of different traits and positions in life, I thought I should be looking for. Well turns out Ole' Seth isn't the match maker genius he thought he was. About a month ago, I just told God that I'm through putting prospective women through all of my filters that I thought would work well into my family. I just verbally out loud told God "Geez, you've brought me this far. I'm sure you can find me someone who I can love, who loves me, loves my kids, and loves You. Also God, I dont want to be picky but I would really appreciate it if they had a cute smile, enjoyed poop jokes, loved having their feet rubbed at night."

So I guess that's all. I'm so excited to see what He has in store for me and my crew. Will I move somewhere or be single for a long time? Will I finally learn to hula-hoop or grow my afro back? Will I develop feelings for someone soon or maybe learn the art of ice sculpting? Who the heck knows :)

I know one thing for certain about my future...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I can get down with some prosperity and hope. So thanks God. He's awesome and if you're curious, I do think God loves to laugh and he probably cracked up at this picture just as much as I did :D

Be Blessed
Seth

The 5 Headed Hydra or The 5 Love Languages (Part 1)

Tonight, we went grocery shopping. I honestly think four kids aren’t that many nor is a single dad a crazy sight, but I guess the combination is a lot for some people. My kids were legit well behaved tonight. Just laughing, talking about costume ideas, and telling jokes. Stevie –  “Dad. Thanks for going under there.” Me – “Under where?” Stevie – “No thank you dad. I don’t want to see your underwear.” Hahaha

Anyways, tonight I got quite a few tag alongs as I like to call them. People just kinda watching us from around the store or just following us down each isle we walk. Normally, these people are just sweet people who think that us 5 are something fun to look at. But recently, I have noticed somewhat discouraging.  Well, not discouraging per se, just not ideal. When I only have one or two with me, people tend to focus on each child as an individual rather than a massive part of this 5 headed hydra monster walking down about 5 isles looking for pizza ingredients.

Excuse me mam'. Do you know what isle the sliced olives are on?

Just spending time getting to know each individual child (my kids are always ready to talk about their latest bowel movement or how their dad has a hairy “Santa” belly).However most of the time strangers just saying something like “You are brave to take them out alone. I bet you won’t be doing this again.” I just smile, crack some corny joke, and keep walking. Really, I’m not a big fan of those comments. Actually, I had three people tell me some version of that exact statement tonight. I don’t really mind those kinds of statements; mostly I hate my kids being grouped into a burden for their dad in some people’s minds, when in reality the shopping trip is way more fun with them there. Neela spend the entire shopping trip walking up to random strangers and saying “My dad has been talking about you. Do you want to meet him?” hahahaha. It was hilarious. Titus spend the entire Walmart trip telling me how he was going to brew some coffee when he gets home so he can stay up all night and style his hair. I know it sounds intense and out of left field, but I hate hate the idea of my kids awesomeness getting skipped over simply because there are four of them.

Another fun group of 4. Just not with as much personality as my crew ;)

That’s my rationale of parenting styles. I’ve heard about every single parenting tip, strategy, method, etc. there is on the planet.  I know about strict scheduling or just baby/child led scheduling. I’ve heard and read about the one million different forms of communication and structured time. I know the arguments for and against positive reinforcement parenting. Believe it or not, every though I’m a dad, I kind of get some of this stuff. All men are not that dumb. However for the most part, we are all at least a little dumb J But back to parenting styles, I say whatever works for you, just do it. If you want to read 17 books on co-sleeping vs their own bed, go for it.

Pretty much the only book I recommend to new parents

I think all of that stuff has to change overtime as families mature and age. There’s no one size fits all. So that’s why I am pretty confident in my parenting style. It’s the Megow method and I’m pretty sure as heck it won’t work for anyone else but us.

I’m well aware that my kids don’t dress the cutest, are somewhat weird, and have strange little socially unacceptable quirks specific to the Megows. That’s cool with me. I really just have one job. To love them and make sure they love others. It’s hard to do that individually since my schedule is so tight, so I sacrifice some things in order to make it work. Should I scrub my much needed to be cleaned bathroom or sit and color a picture with Olive, duh “make brownies and then color a picture with Olive”. Hahaha. I guess what I’m trying to say it I think my parenting style is just finding out my kids love language(s) and just piling on the love all over them as much as I can. There’s a difference between spoiling a kid and loving a kid. I firmly believe you can never love a kid too much. Like I said, I hardly have any free time or nor extra money, so I like to make a calculated effort on how to maximize time spend with my kids. I do that by really diving into their little worlds and figuring out what REALLY matters to them.

The love languages are “Kind Words, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch”. I’ve always known about these and enjoyed pinpointing peoples and trying to pour directly into their specific way of showing and receiving love. However, when my life kind of flipped upside down a few years back, I realized that chilling fact that I’m about all my kids have on a day to day basis. So I really paid close attention to their little quirks to figure out what theirs were.

Stevie - 1) Quality Time and 2) Physical Touch

There’s nothing in the entire world Stevie loves more than having “alone time” with Dad. I can’t lie; I adore how much she adores me. I know it won’t last forever, so I really try to soak it up while I can. Every. Single. Night. Stevie finds me and whispers that she wants to have alone time in my bed. So we both sneak off and just talk. She tells me little things and secrets. She tells me every day that she’s going to marry me when she grows up. Of course, I say “I would love that”. Stevie is secretly turning me into a big softie.

Some people might demonstrate their love in a different way they choose to receive, but Stevie’s pretty straight forward about that stuff. She loves to lay down face to face with and stroke my beard. I promise that girl would sit and do that all night. Hahaha. 

I’m pretty confident of this because she’s drawn to people who are sweet and calm. There are not many places she will spend the night away from dad, but the one place she agrees to every time is “Aunt April’s”. I think it’s because they have similar love languages. April is very calm and warm. Stevie loves to just sit with her and color or talk. I love that she has found an older woman she feels comfortable around again.

Stevie and Aunt April

I’ve been extremely protective of who I let her be around when it comes to adults. I’ve said it before, but she took mom leaving the hardest I think. Some of the other kids still felt some love through their love languages, but Stevie really requires one on one time and close personal contact. When she was robbed of that quality time, her little brain got pretty mixed up on the concept of a mom.  I think that’s why I’m so so intense about giving it to her. Honestly, screw the laundry. It will get done eventually. Playing with my baby’s hair while she lays on my chest is much more important that a pile of clothes.

Neela - 1) Acts of Service 2) Physical Touch

Neela’s a bit of a gambit of the love languages. Partly because Neela “can” be a little introverted at times. I know it sounds weird since she’s always talking to people and cracking jokes. But the more I sat and observed her behavior; she gets really energized sitting by herself outside and being around nature and animals. I think I can spot Neela’s act of service as of late pretty clearly. I can pretty much guarantee that if I’m having a bad day and am acting sad, the kids pick up on it quick and all do their little things they know will cheer me up. Neela is such a little do’er. The other day I was just sitting at the laptop working and feeling super overwhelmed. All of the kids were just playing with toys and running around the house while I worked. About an hour into my work Neela comes in and takes my hand and walks me around all the rooms she had just cleaned. She walked me around to the “clean” bathrooms (she cleaned the mirrors with baby wipes and the floor with glass cleaner, hahah) and to the dining room that she decorated with rocks from our ditch. Every time I think of Neela Grace (after I cycle through her bullfrogs and love of random, huge dangerous animals), I always think of all the times she has surprised me with doing something she sees me doing time after time. She’s currently the only one that has taught herself to fold laundry, use the steam mop, and sweep into the dustpan. Geez, I can’t even talk about how many times I was about to lose it or give up for the day, when Neela just surprised me with something so sweet, I just broke down crying. That’s the kindness I get scared people will overlook with they just see a big group of little Megow kids. Just pure love.

However, Neela is also a big cuddle bug. Hahaha. I might actually change this one if I could… I’m kidding, but this kid is like me. She’s a little sweatbox and loves to sleep with, on, or under me. At night, she’s pretty much like that little guy from  Total Recall under that dudes shirt. Hahaha. Like a growth off of my body. She sweats so much on me, I kinda have to peel her off my leg or back every morning. 

Neela, time to wake up.

I complain, but I truthfully love it. She loves having her back rubbed and holding hands when we walk as a family. If you ever watch our family walking into a store or just around town, I can pretty much guarantee she’ll be the only one not running ahead. My Neela will be right beside me holding my hand.

I’ll cover a little more about my parenting style and Titus and Olive’s love languages in the next post J

Be blessed

Seth

Why don't I date?

"This post is pretty personal and serious. Sorry. I promise it won't happen again for awhile. 

 If you don't want to read it, skip to the bottom, there is a funny picture." - Seth

__________________________________________________________________________

I have been asked by a few people lately why I choose to stay single. Honestly, there have been a few sweet, cute girls that have caught my eye that I’m sure we could have had fun dating. I think there are two main reasons why I make this decision. This post is going to be a little personal, but hey I’m writing this at 3am and I just want to get it off my chest so why not. The order might throw you off at first but I think it will make sense as you read it.

Reason #1) Crissy - My Ex-Wife

I’m sure some people are thinking. “He’s probably just heartbroken, too sad to date, or just bitter”. I really don’t think it’s that. Let me explain and give a little history about the our marriage (something I try not to bring up too much on here) Also, for those of our reading that might get worried that I’m falling back in love with her, I’m not; however, I do think it’s important to remember positive things and be grateful for our blessings. Our marriage was a huge blessing and pretty much a dream come true. A healthy relationship between parents is a true gift to your children.

We met when we were 18. We were best friends until I fell in love with her. When I talked to her about it (I wrote a letter. I wasn’t as confident as I am now, so I was nervous), she said no. When I asked her what my chances were on being with her, she told me “you have absolutely no chance at all”. Hahaha. I still laugh about that. We stopped hanging out after that. Well, time passed and she couldn’t really resist the “Megow Charm”. Eventually, she called me up and wanted me to come over. That night I remember we were helping our friend Melissa move, so we dressed up in overalls and she painted on a beard to look like a mover (Crissy has my same humor). Anyways, that night we ended up kissing. To be honest, I got so excited; I went to the bathroom and puked. HAHAHAHA. We got engaged shortly after and got married about 6 months after we first kissed.

Our first church directory photo together. 

We were legit cool.

We were married at 19 and were pretty much dirt poor. Just living on love man. We were both full time college students and both working 2-3 jobs at a time to get by. It was one of my favorite times in my life. We worked all of our jobs together and took as many classes as we could together. Did I mention we were also dirt poor? One of our friends Kelley worked at the college bookstore and gave us a huge stack of Whataburger coupons for free hamburgers. We ate that EVERYDAY for lunch. I remember one day we didn’t have enough money to pay for the .41 cents for cheese on our burger. Our first apartment was a one room roach motel that had 6 foot ceilings (I’m 6’2). As we grew older, we grew closer. We started having babies, graduating college, and getting real jobs. After ten years of a wonderful marriage, I could honestly write a book about all of the funny and amazing stories we have together. For some reason, one that always sticks out in my mind (and the one that always makes me cry now) is this one:

It was a Friday night (I think around Fall 2009) and we were just sitting on the couch together talking, suddenly one of us came up with the idea of a yard sale. It was probably about 10pm and everything in Hahira was closed, so we rummaged through our drawers and dressers for about an hour and couldn’t find any stickers or anything to make prices with.  So we just decided to just have a free yard sale and give away things to people that might want them. We stayed up throughout the night looking for things we didn’t need or use anything and started to set them out.  Crissy went to sleep around 1 or 2am and I just stayed up setting everything out in the driveway. Eventually around 6am, Crissy woke up and joined me outside with two cups of coffee. We just sat there early in the morning drinking our coffee, talking, and laughing. After that, we finished setting up and then woke up the kids. Stevie and Neela wanted to make some money, so they made some cookies with mom and sold them during our sale. We didn’t really make any money, since we gave everything away for free; however the girls made about $20 selling snacks, so after the yard sale we packed up and they treated the family to Cici’s pizza with the money they earned. I remember that evening so vividly. We got home and opened the blinds (we had a huge window in our living room) and let the kids sing karaoke while we just sat on the floor all being together as a family. Crissy and I did some remarkable things together; however that simple memory of pure love, happiness, and family really sticks with me.

Perfect day to give some stuff away

PS. I look just like my brother Thad in this picture

Aren't Neela and Olive twins??!!

Titus stealing the cookies :)

Hahaha. It was mostly for fun. We didn't have much to give away.

Stevie back when her favorite shirt was her "Beiber Fever" shirt 

contentment

The reason I bring that up is to talk about why I don’t want to date. Crissy and I were TIGHT. I mean really tight. When she left, it crushed me. I was absolutely 110% in love with her. I had already planned out our grandparents names (Nena and Pootie) and our retirement plans (traveling around festivals like her granddad used to do, but instead of selling things, we would make free balloons animals, candy, and stuff for kids). My world completely flipped upside down the day she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore. I remember exactly what we were doing and the exact spot we were standing. Not really going to go into that. Mostly, I want to focus on our solid connection and Godly foundation we had in our marriage. The first real reason I don’t have interest in dating is I’m still trying to figure out how to replace that relationship. It was really a dream marriage. Sure we both screwed up from time to time, but thinking back, I’m shocked how great we had it. I guess I took it for granted at the time. Now that I’m single, I am just not sure where to even begin. I know I’m healed up from those wounds, but I think Crissy and I both set the bar extremely high for each other in terms of significant others.  It’s hard to explain. But that’s the first reason. I think I have this ultra-high level of relationship expectations. I know it’s possible because I’ve had it once and I’m not really going to settle for anything less than that. Hahahaha. I think I’ll be waiting awhile. 

Reason #2 - My Kids

When we were going through our hard times, I wasn’t really myself. I would yell and get upset just because I felt like my life was falling apart around me. During and even after the divorce, I would get my feelings hurt or get really upset about things and just become extremely depressed. My kids never really suffered or went without, but they didn’t have the happy daddy they were used to. I couldn’t imagine how hard that was for them. Having a mom that wasn’t there much and a dad that was a crapshoot emotionally. When I finally found peace (Praise God!), I promised myself I would always put my kids first in pretty much every aspect of life. I guess I feel it’s too risky to dive into anything, unless I am 100% confident that I am walking into something with my future wife. Nothing less will do. My kids are beyond amazing and especially after what they had to go through deserve a dad that’s beyond amazing back. Well, I can’t match their level of awesome, but I can promise I try my damnedest to be. Sure our little family may be a little non-traditional with the way we do things, but it’s what works for us. My kids know I love them more than anything else in the world. There’s no way I would let a relationship (that would probably just end up with a sad breakup anyways) come between that. They honestly crave all of my attention and at their age, I feel they deserve it. Yes, sometimes it’s physically draining, but it’s so emotionally fulfilling to see them happy. I would take a happy heart and a tired body over the alternative any day.

Love these little people :)

So that’s my first pretty serious post and probably the last one for awhile. J  So in order to make sure everyone reading this leaves smiling, let me share this with you.

For some reason, this picture makes me die laughing every time I look at it.

  

Be Blessed.