Lately, I’ve been feeling a little guilty about the blog/facebook, regarding how I post. I think it’s something everyone does, but I just wanted to discuss it a little. Reality vs Online. I’ve actually discussed this exact topic before regarding one specific night at dinner (read it here). But I think this post will be a little more serious. I’m writing this is the middle of the night, so I honestly have no clue where it will go and even make sense. hahaha
Man, life can be hard. I know everyone struggles in various areas. Some people pretend like they don’t but they do. The internet has really snowballed that in my opinion. We get so well at portraying this fun, attractive, put together life for people to “like” that people get a skewed view of what our life actually is. Today, I am going to talk specifically about my struggles. I know everyone has them so this definitely isn’t a pity party. I think of it as more or less balancing the scales between the fun, wacky family image I portray online vs reality of how I feel about life at times. I'm fairly positive other people will relate, so here we go…
It comes in highs and lows. Mountains and valleys. Sometimes it’s good, other’s it’s not. I feel so much pressure at times, it literally feels like my head is going to explode or I can actually feel my hair growing gray. No matter how good life is going, there are always constants running through my brain pretty much at all times. These constants change with time. For the past few weeks/months, this is what is typically running through my brain at any given moment:
1) These four kids are pretty much solely dependent on me. For everything. That alone is a lot.
2) I am getting more and more responbilities at work. It’s good, but I always have a full plate each day. There are always little fires to put out, which always delay my plan for the day.
- Then I break down each individual project and it’s impending due date
3) How am I supposed to talk about mom? How frequently? Which child can handle what?
I have to sort and purge out clothes to make room for the clean laundry that’s seasonal, fits, and is waiting to be put up.
5) I have to clean my house, lawn, backyard. It’s so cluttered and disorganized. I have bags waiting to be taken to donate and others to the dump. I have closets, a storage room, an attic, and garage to clean and purge.
- I have so much junk collected in every square inch of the house.
6) I have to repair a few things on my house to get it ready to sell by this summer. Then I have to sell it while living here simultaneously. Once I get it sold, I will have to move somewhere locally. How will the move go? Will the kids be able to stay in their school with their friends?
7) The kids need a lot more individual time working on education. They need more one on one time to work on individual skills, but with my other responsibilities, I literally can’t give them the time they need.
8) I would love for them to have a positive woman in their life (step-mom), but how am I supposed to do that if I can’t find time to maintain my normal life. I can’t even catch up on my stuff. No way am I going to dump it on someone else. However, it would be nice to have someone to let me put my head in their lap and rub my head after a long day. I just don’t have the time to even think about that.
9) I need to get summer care covered so I can work.
10) The kids need more time around friends.
11) The kids need to be eating healthier, watching screens less, and be more involved in the community.
-Again, it’s a time thing. If I’m working, cleaning, doing paperwork, paying bills, working on homework, etc. that means I’m not focusing on other things. I feel like my kids are constantly waiting on me to finish something before they have my attention.
12) I need to visit and talk with my family and friends more.
13) I have a lot of personal projects that people are waiting on me to complete.
15) I need to sleep more.
It’s like I continually fall farther and farther behind, but can’t be behind so I just working harder and harder to catch up. For instance, here’s a little example. Just one little thing can cause a log jam. Titus used to take a seizure medicine. It messed up his sleep cycles, so he had to take sleep medicine to help him sleep. He’s been taking it maybe 2 years. I didn’t want him to grow up and be dependent on medicine to sleep, so I decided to really try to get him off the medicine. So instead of doing my normal routine of washing dishes, sweeping and mopping, laundry, play time, catching up on work, etc that I do every night between bath time and bedtime, I tried super hard to get him relaxed and sleepy. Good news, is it worked. He’s off the sleep medicine, but it took about two weeks. So all of my daily responsibilities got pushed back farther into the night or to another day. Something always is coming up like that daily (as I’m sure it does with you as well). Neela is probably getting held back a year (she’s the youngest in her class). She is not progressing with reading like she should. So I’m trying to spend extra time with her. I just got an email from Titus’s teacher saying he’s fallen behind on his sight word list. I know it’s because I’ve been diverting that time to Neela. It’s always some judgment call that I’m ultimately alone in making. Thank God Stevie is an early bloomer. To be honest, besides checking her homework and skimming through the Friday folder. The only thing I know about her education is what we talk about or what comes up in conversation. It makes me sad not being involved like I would like to be in certain areas of their lives. I know I try my best and do my best. That's important to remind myself.
I feel like I have been running with an empty gas tank for so long. I try my best to stay upbeat and positive. Every day, I try to wake up smiling and happy singing “It’s going to be a great day today.” I will take a little video and put it on Facebook. It cheers me up a little seeing people adoring my sweet kids. However, I feel like I can only mentally process and physically do so much. Each day, I wake up more tired than the last with more things to do. Man, I’ve prayed so much for endurance and joy. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to wind down the clock with the best attitude possible and mostly for my kids not to notice. I do have joy and happy times, but single fatherhood has definitely taken its toll. There are moments, I feel dizzy and nauseous from stress, lack of sleep, or loneliness so I just try to rest but there’s constantly someone needing something at home, work, or just life in general.
So I guess the point of this is to reassure even when people seem to have the perfect life, that really no one has it completely together. Adulting is hard. God helps fill gaps and build me up spiritually, but even Jesus at times got upset, drained, or physically tired. It’s just the human experience.
On a brighter note being a Megow is awesome. My life is exhausting and so stressful, but I really wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m proud of the person I’ve become through the stuff I’ve walked through. (It feels really good to say that). Even through all of the uphill climbs, I’m grateful to be alive and have healthy and happy kids. I’m blessed. Sure, this is a tough time, but I know it will get better. I always tell myself that. Even if more and more stuff pile up on my to do list, tomorrow will always be better than today. If I can make today a good day, tomorrow will be even better J
I just wanted to share my struggles and let people know that you are definitely not alone with this stuff. We all deal with it. I don’t post like stuff for sympathy or pity. Nor for “likes” or for social media shares. Mostly, I like to remind people that no matter how bad it gets we are all blessed because we have a Father that has our back ;) That's always a reason to smile.