My “Traditional vs Single” Parenting Truths

I’ve wanted to write this post since I started, but I never did for two reasons:

1) I didn’t want to offend anyone

2) It’s hard to put it into words

So considering that it’s impossible to never offend anyone (I promise I will try to do my best), and mentally I haven’t made any progress on how I should write this, I figured I would just sit down and crank this mamma-jamma out. Pretty much Seth is going to take the classic Calvin and Hobbes approach to life with this post.

First off, let’s just clear up a few things. One, I’m not the best parent. I think I try, but I know people that can parent circles around me. Take for instance the following example: Last night for dinner, I put my kids in bathing suits brought my kids out on the trampoline and gave them a “kids choice” dinner. This consisted of a cold hot dog and a miniature cupcake. Following dinner, I hooked up the sprinkler under the trampoline (with no safety net) and let them fight with pool noodles while bouncing. All this was happening while I was bleaching and scrubbing our family tent that a stray male cat apparently used is its personal urinal for the past few weeks due to my forgetting to close the outside storage closet properly. After cleaning the tent, I unhooked the sprinkler and gave everyone a backyard hose bath before sending them inside. :D #realife Soap Box Alert: Let kids are freaking kids. Growing up, our generation just played outside, did crazy stuff, and had fun. Parents weren’t insanely overprotective. They just told us how to be safe and gave us rules, and then sent us out to create fun. Hand making rope-swings from trees or just going off in the woods (filled with snakes, wasps, bobcats, etc.) was just part of being a kid. While I’m a big believer in overall safety and parental responsibility, it feels our society has made this giant push for “free range” animals, while simultaneously caging up our kids with a billion overprotective rules and unnecessary devices that tie down and limit their imagination, creativity, and need for exploring. Told you I was gonna Calvin and Hobbes this thang. Whatever comes out I’m just going to freaking type.  End of soapbox.

Ok, now that I have established my “non-pro parent status”, hopefully everyone can just take this for what it is, my own experience on both traditional and single parenting; nothing more or less. I understand there are probably 12,342,864,342 possible scenarios of co-parenting and single parenting. (Married/Un-married, full/partial custody, healthy relationship with other parent/unhealthy relationship, single and active co-parenting/Disney world dad and Mall shopping moms). Again this is my opinions as it pertains to me. 

For this post, I think I’m just going to stick with the idea of two people together as a couple/parent team vs doing a majority of the parenting alone. Whew!! I finally feel I can get started ;)

To be honest I feel like single parenting is one of those things that people can’t grasp until have experienced it yourself (like the loss of a loved one, divorce, being homeless, etc.). I used to have so much pity for my single parent friends. In my head, I constantly just felt sorry for them. Little did I know, my knowledge of their struggles were extremely out of touch. It was just drawn on snippets of stories they told, what I saw on tv, and my overall guess of what it must be like. Based on my experience as being a partner in a wonderful co-parenting team and my experience as a sole responsibility single parent, I can somewhat related to both groups. I have noticed that people that always belonged in one category sometimes have misconceptions of the other. Again, this is in no way a judgmental or “I know it all” stance, it’s just kind of how I feel about the subject based on the criteria I listed earlier.

Here are my two honest truths about Traditional vs Single Parenting:

1) The biggest and most draining element of Single Parenting is Loneliness/Isolation.

 I always thought the hardest part of single parenting would be finances, not getting “me” time, being overwhelmed, etc. I was wrong. In my opinion, it’s the isolation that’s the worst. Granted I work with amazing people and have amazing family and friends. Mostly though, I was gifted with the most amazing kids ever placed on this earth. Seriously, my kids literally shock me with how loving, creative, self-sacrificing, and hilarious they are. However, all of that that doesn’t fix on that loneliness issue. Granted, the biggest void in our lives can only be filled by God. That hole is filled in my heart, thank you Jesus! But I truly believed humans are wired to parent as a team; however, the roles and duties might differ as each partner from couple to couple. Not having that solid team mate can be soul crushing. As any parent can tell you, the responsibility of raising children can be mind boggling heavy at times. Doing it alone creates this unexplainable feeling of isolation. That feeling always hits me the worst at night, when all the kids are tucked in and asleep.  I feel like I’m a pilot flying a plane solo at night. There are no co-captains, no flight attendant, no air marshals, or crew… it’s just you. I think that’s my point, before I became one, I viewed the main struggle with single parenting as all of the turbulence that the plane is going through, but in reality, I feel the hardest part is being in that dark, tiny cockpit all alone. I can get through the storm, but not having co-pilot to help navigate, talk to, or simply scratch an itch on my back while my hands are tied to the controls makes life extremely bleak at times.

2) Traditional Parenting isn’t necessarily any less stressful –

Some people might not agree with this one, but I honestly (at select times) feel less stress now as a single parent than I did with my previous marriage was rock solid and the partnership was amazing. Here’s why I think that… A true partnership goes all in. They help, build up, support, encourage, and trust each other completely. So yes, when I was married I didn’t have to do crazy things like bringing a giant quilt into Toy-R-us while Christmas shopping to cover the cart and ensure that presents stay a surprise since the kids are with me all of the time. It’s great having a helpmate! Having someone be able to clean or read with the children while I cook dinner is an amazing feeling! My argument on this issue is that while having another parent brings so much support to the table, they also bring their own issues, problems, responsibilities, etc. But these issues are also yours. Remember, we were one. That means good and bad. So not only are you managing children, but trying maintaining a healthy marriage. There is a profound amount investment of time and energy that has to be poured into it. Sometimes with kids, that investment gets overlooked and becomes a challenge. Even the best marriages take constant upkeep, nourishment, time, and sacrifice. So juggling the responsibilities of being a spouse vs parent can be freaking tough.

Also, I feel that we are wired to have stress in our lives. One, it’s impossible to escape it. Two, healthy levels of stress keep our minds critically thinking, our bodies physically working, and also teaches us how to express feelings and emotions in a positive manner. Basically, I think we are wired to take on as much stress as we can handle. This is similar to the idea “The more money you have, the more you spend and the less money you have, the less you spend”. When I was married, we had more resources (finances, free time, and a larger support network).  So naturally as I think we did what we are wired to do. We maximized our resources doing various things, bought unneeded items, took on extra responsibilities, volunteering, etc. I believe I also had different standards on the importance of certain things in my life. So I was running about an 80% stress level based on what I could handle.  Once I got divorced and became a single parent, I lost a lot of those resources. So naturally I made adjustments.  I began to limit and remove unnecessary stressors. I also re-evaluated my standards. By accepting realistic expectations for myself and cutting out extra responsibilities I did not have the time/mental capacity to handle, life began to balance out again. Even though I have more on my plate as an individual, I can still operate on an 80% stress level due to being freed up in other areas.

So in conclusion, by far, I preferred parenting with a partner. If all of the kids are screaming in the van, instead of being solo and getting frustrated, I could look over and see some equally wide eyed  and about to crack. Those always made me laugh and lightened my mood. But in reality, God is good. There are things I have been able to experience and bonds with my children I could have never established in a two parent situation. So be encouraged. Don’t always assume that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes the poop left behind by the other animal fertilizes the ground, which can grow some greener, better quality grass than before. Although… just remember that at first you’ll still have to deal with the smell of that crap they've left behind until it’s decayed. 

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

Why I Love Being a Single Dad

Divorce/Separation is the worst. Not being able to be around your kids all of the time is heart wrenchingly painful. However, in this post, I’m not going to (try to not) focus as much on the negatives of single parenting, but highlight the parts of being a single dad that I love. However, remember that my kids are with my 24/7 so my situation is a bit different than others.

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I feel so extremely blessed with my life. I get to be around my kids all of the time. People are constantly asking me if I need a break or would I enjoy having them away from me on the weekends. I guess that would be nice on occasion, like 2 nights a month. But in all honesty, I freaking love being around my kids. It’s why I love being a single dad. I get to be with them all the time. Let me break down why I love it.

"It's gonna be a great post, today!" 

First off, This may sounds strange upon first reading but I'm ultra grateful that I'm a single dad and not a single mom because*soapbox alert* I talk about this a lot, but single dads seriously do have it WAY easier than single moms. Is that fair or right? Absolutely not. It’s simply the world we live in. I couldn’t imagine being a single mom in this day and age. For me as a full time single dad, I feel like people view me and the kids as a fun commodity to look at or observe. Hahaha. While unfortunately full time single moms are just accepted in our culture as a “normal thing”. For example, when I show up somewhere and my kids are looking semi-feral and in mismatched clothes, I can feel other parents go “Awe… look he’s trying his best. Those kids are so cute. Look at their little mismatched clothes” I’m not in this for sympathy, I’m just trying my best. However, I feel like if a single mom showed up to the exact same event with kids looking the exact same manner, some people might think “Look at those kids. She really needs to take better care of them.” It’s the exact situation, I just feel as a parent (especially of younger children), women are held to such an insanely high standard in our society. So all this being said, single moms are my freaking heroes. Both single dads and single moms are just trying their best, but moms just have so much more parenting pressure. They are still responsible for balancing money, cleaning, etc. (just like single dads), but when it comes to pressures to have perfectly groomed, dressed well-behaved, polite, and involved children, they get judged so much more harshly than men. So in response to this. Single moms are doing both roles (mom and dad) just like single dads. Pouring into both roles can be exhausting. I mean freaking Geez-Louise, our society is going to have to cut them some slack somewhere.  *end of soapbox*

Next, being a dad is fun. It’s not just blanket forts and burping contests with the kids, but if a dad is doing it right, those are both important elements of successful fathering ;) hahaha.

  

Seriously, having the kids with me is the funnest thing ever. I get to learn so much about them. All their individual little quirks, strengths, desires, annoyances, everything!! It's like being fully submersed in their lives and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I mean seriously is it possible to find a group of cooler kids than these!!!

This was on a day they came to work with me. For important it was a "dress yourself" day :D

Being a dad also comes with big responsibilities. Generally, in a co-parent home, I believe these tend to come from two places: 1) Listening to mom about where the kids are emotionally, physically, etc. Moms are just generally so much more empathetic and involved day to day (again, especially with young kids). They are the experts in my opinion, no doubt. Basically, trusting her enough as far as parenting to know what’s best.  2) Decisions of more of a big picture type. Not that I think women are and should be any less involved in decision making at all, I just mean I think a man should protect, guide, and most take responsibility for his family. So that means the buck stops with him. So mostly, it’s just a responsibility thing. Ok. I kind of got off track. My point is that being a single dad means I need to encompass both of these roles. Kids need firm boundaries but also room to explore. A sense of whimsy and wonder but also a steady and reliable parent. Kids need fun and unexpected nonsense, but also routines and schedules. Since it’s just me doing all of this, it was crazy uncomfortable and awkward at first. I felt like a piece of hard clay being squeezed through a playdoh spaghetti maker. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fit the mold of both me and Crissy combined. In my head, I needed to be this for my kids. By our late twenties, we are generally pretty set in who we are and why we do the things we do. Thankfully, my life took a crazy, turn by giving me a few horrific years and dumping a crazy amount of responsibility solely in my lap. However, I soon learned what a blessing I was given. I didn’t need to be “Seth and Crissy” to my kids. I just needed to be “Seth” and the best version of me ever. God radically altered my life. My personality changed, my empathy level increased, my positivity went up, my stress level went down, my general outlook on life improved. It’s all because I was given the job title of “Single Dad”. That’s my second reason I love it so much, it formed me into the person I’ve always wanted to be, but was too stubborn and set in my ways to let that happen. Being in a single father position I was forced to let God stretch and kneed me, so I could be pliable and fit whatever mold I needed to be in, whatever the stage of life I might find myself.

Finally, I know this sounds selfish, but I love the freedom it provides. If my kids want to wear something weird to school or bring a (rescued from the highway) turtle to the store in a cardboard box while we shop, well… I love being able to say “yes” without having to run it by another adult.

"People are going to LOVE this turtle."

Since I’m around them all the time, I can kind of encourage whatever special traits I see in them. It’s no debating on whether Stevie should take dance classes or art lessons. I just make my choice, and we do it. Mostly, I can raise them as weird as I want. I love weirdness. I absolutely adore it. Normalcy is so boring to me. I love having free reign over the amount of weirdness allowed in my house. I know kids have to learn to function in society, but they are kids only once. If they want to go play with ketchup in the tub, well I don’t really care. Pretty much, I encourage any kind of strange idea they have. They want to invent slime to help their hair grow faster? Sure. They want to eat a cricket? Sure. Want dad to act super fun at someone's house and let people paint his face? Sure. 

 

Instead of limiting and banning specific activities/things, my kids just know a few basic rules: 1) Be kind 2) Don’t hurt yourself or anyone else 3) Don’t make too big of a mess 4) Clean up after said mess 5) Eat vegetables every day 6) Respect yours and other people’s bodies and feelings 7) If you barf, do it anywhere but the carpet or bed.   That’s pretty much it. If what you want to do, meets those criteria, go for it! For instance, at Stevie’s 8^th birthday party, it was raining so instead of cancelling the piñata. I had the idea for an indoor piñata. Based on the faces of every mom in attendance, I’m sure if I were married, I would have gotten the “don’t even think about it” look. Fortunately for me and the kids, I’m not, so I can do things my way. So you can bet your butt we had an indoor piñata, and that junk was hysterical and fun.

To quote a mom that was in attendance:

"It was risky to fairly safe" 

Hahaha!!

I mean in reality, it’s ultra tough at times. Another helping hand and encourager would be nice, but I’m just so in love with my life currently that God is going to have to knock me on my butt with a woman that I feel just clicks. Right now though, I can’t think of a single thing better than taking my kids to the park, just them and me. Receiving 100% of their corny jokes, hilarious stories, heart talks, and hugs. It just can’t be beat.

I wanted to end this post with one of my favorite little “Megowisms”, but I couldn’t decide between two. That means I will just post them both. Aaaahhhhh… personal freedom. :D

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

What makes a Megow man? Besides the ravishing good looks ;)

I come from a long line of awesome men in my family tree. Both of my granddads were awesome and genuinely kind. My Papa Bob (the one with the white hair from a few posts ago) could do about anything he put his hands to: Teaching, carpentry, repairs, tech stuff, starting businesses and community organizations, etc. My other granddad, Papa Keith was very smart and started a very successful business, involved in community organizations, knew everything there was to know about fishing, and the first person ever to show me how to use a computer.

Don’t even think about challenging me to a DOS billiards game. I got that junk on lock down.

But I want to talk about my father for a bit. Because he's just that great. :) My dad is by far the most talented and giving man I have ever met. He’s the kind of person who is ultra smart (like knows the answer to EVERY question on jeopardy). He can fix anything and is always the first person I call when anything breaks. He was a Nurse Anesthetist for the major of his career, but he and my mom gave up that high paying salary to start and run a food pantry which fed 10,000’s of people and was one of the biggest food pantries in the county. He’s the type of person that can pretty much figure anything out if he tries. He knows how to do everything from beekeeping to hand crafting & forging knives.  That’s why I love helping him with tech things. It’s like the one thing I get more than him. It’s not much, but it’s like the only contribution I feel I give to our relationship.

“Ok Seth,  I fixed your lawn mower, reset your broken finger, changed your brake pads, hand carved you a 4 piece wooden salad set, and looked over all of your financial stuff. Need me to do anything else?"

“No thanks dad. Ummm… I fixed the email on your phone.”

Growing up, my dad always taught me the importance of hard work, not complaining, and thinking of others before yourself. He was and still is always doing something to help someone.  Most importantly, him, my mom, and all my grandparents told me from an early age the main reason we are on this Earth, to just love Jesus and to be Jesus to others. My parents have a closeness with God that I just love and admire. (Side note: God is always close to us, it’s our choice to draw closer to him in our daily lives.)  Since the moment I was conceived, my parents prayed for me. He always gathered the family together before bed and prayed for us. I loved that as a kid. It always made me feel so safe. Because he’s so modest he would never admit how great of a dad he is, but his influence has really shaped my life. Mostly it was the things he would do when no one was looking. He’s a man of character and the best in my book.  Since I’m grown with my own children now, I really try to follow in the footsteps my family laid out before me. Thank you for believing and always encouraging me. I honestly don't know where I would be without your calm demeanor, spiritual peace, and unending encouragement

For this post, I want to discuss what I think makes a “real man” and how I try to pass on these values to my own son. Our culture has a pretty clear definition of what a real man looks like. I think it disagree with what that is.

We need to make the Pyramid of Greatness a mandatory course in school for all male students.

Side Note: Ron Swanson's the freaking man.

However, for the most part, I have my own set of values and ideas of what makes a real man. In my book a man should above all have a few characteristics “Integrity, Self-Sacrifice, Hard Work Ethic, and Love”.  To be clear, I pretty much am horrible at most things “manly”. I am the worst at building things, not much muscle tone at all, don’t make a ton of money, my main hobby is doing little crafts with my kids, and my attempting to fix a car problem are hilarious to watch to say the least.

 

“Hey guys, I fixed the van’s AC.”

In my mind though, I’m becoming more of a real man that I ever have been just raising my kids. It doesn’t matter how much you can bench press or what your bank account looks like, if you don’t have true integrity. Being honest and doing what you say means more than anything else. I want to be a man of my word (like my dad and granddads). I want my own son to know that if dad says something, it means 100% the binding truth.

Self-sacrifice is a concept that I believe our culture kind of skims over. In my opinion, a man needs to put others before himself, especially his family. I think a lot of men view this as working hard so their family can have a better life. I totally agree with that idea, but there’s so much more to be considered. If a man works hard, but then just leaves his wife and kids to go have fun with his buddies after work or just clocks out in front of the tv on a regular basis, he may need to rethink his idea of self-sacrifice. We, as men, need to not only focus on the financial well being and physical safety of the family, but the all-around emotional and mental health of the family.  That might mean skipping out of what I want to do, to do what someone else wants to do (washing the dishes or having a Minnie Mouse tea party for the 4^th time this week). We have to learn what each member of our family needs from us and try our best to offer specifically that. That doesn’t mean that we should sacrifice doing things for ourselves or spending time cultivating our interests or hobbies. We just need to be the pillar of our families, giving all we have to ensure everyone we are supporting that we are there no matter what.

A hard work ethic is something most men understand and strive to have. It’s hard wired into our DNA. Generally when a man is lazy, it’s just a sad sight. This doesn’t mean a man has to be big breadwinner or work himself to death. There were times in our marriage before kids, where Crissy made more money than me. I worked part time, went to school full time, and took care of the kids. (I struggled with that. I like to work.) However, I put all I had into what I was doing. I think that’s the main thing. If you see a problem, work hard educating yourself, learning from your mistakes, and giving every problem as much of your full attention as you can muster. If we are being real men, it’s tough. We are pulled in a ton of different directions. We have a lot to balance, especially if we work and have a family. Every one of us are going to make mistakes, but showing genuine passion to lead and the desire to work hard will allow us grace to screw up from time to time.

Finally, I think showing love kind of wraps all of masculinity together. I’m not talking about “touchy feely” kind of stuff. I’m talking about really showing love to people. Even the strong silent type of man can sometimes be the best example. For instance, my ex-father in law (Crissy’s dad, Steve) is a great example. If you met Steve, he won’t dive into his feelings or ask you about yours. Even though he mind not see himself like this, he is the kind of guy that just loves people. He is constantly putting others before himself, he works harder than almost any human I have ever met, and he is a man of integrity. If he says something, he will do it. (Like most men, including myself, you might have to remind him a time or two, hahaha). But seriously though, even through the divorce, he (and Crissys mom Karen) would constantly tell me how proud they were of me and just offered a lot of support throughout not only the divorce, but since the first time we met.

When I first had two daughters, I wasn’t really that nervous. I think loving little girls is just so easy for a daddy. Just treat them like a princess and shower them with affection and encouragement. When I found out I was having a little boy, I can honestly say I was nervous. This little guy was going to be looking up to me as his main role model. Would I be an amazing role model, like my dad or Steve? I think at first I fell into the trap of just working and working. Trying to make the most money I could and let my wife take care of the kids emotional well being. Mostly, I think I was lacking in terms of being a strong leader and spiritual foundation in my house. I was funny, hard working, and involved in their lives, but I don’t think I truly discovered what being a real man was until the divorce. When I started to focus on these elements I’m talking about, I noticed a change in me but more importantly in my son.

He’s such an amazing little guy. Titus is the most giving, humble, self-sacrificing kid I have ever met. He has such empathy for others, it kind of blows my mind. Where the rest of my kids, give love in their own specific love language, Titus (at the age of 5) has without even knowing it learned to see others love language and give his affection accordingly. He gives without reserve (he gave away his Halloween candy to police officers), does little acts of kindness with no expectation of reward (today while everyone was playing in their rooms, he cleaned his bathroom top to bottom without being asked, just to make me smile), absolutely thrives on giving compliments, loves to hold hands with his friends, and will make special time to give to his sisters to make them feel special (for instance, he offered to be Neela’s helper for her new invention).

Love my best buddy 

I love seeing all my kids happy and healthy. Seeing them being kind to others assures me that I’m doing a good job as a dad. However, seeing Titus showing these kinds of manly traits, encourages me that I am pouring the right things into him that he needs. Seeing Titus grow like this is probably the best physical proof, that I’m trying my best to the man I need to be for my family. I screw up a lot, but I think my kids know I'm give all of this my best attempt and constantly give me encouragement. Have I said lately that they are awesomely amazing in every way? :)

-Seth

"My Origin Story" - My marriage

Note: I just finished writing this thing. 

There's no way I'm proofing it #toolazytoproof. 

So please just ignore any grammar mistakes :D

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I think I take it for granted that people just kind of know all about the kids and my life now. I mean, I kinda just type whatever the heck is on my brain for the world to read… you’re welcome world. Hahaha. I just kinda figure everyone pretty knows all about us. But then I started thinking, I don’t think I’ve ever really dove into my married life. It was about an entire third of my existence, but I just don’t mention it much here. I’ve talked a little here and there, but nothing major. I have talked about divorce a few times. Mostly, I think that’s because I’m worried my family and friends will think I’m still heartbroken over Crissy. I’m not. Or still in love with her. Again, I’m not. Or hoping that we will ever get back together in the future. Again, again. I’m not. However, I would like to talk about my life and story about us getting while we were together. Not because I miss it or anything. The way I like to describe how I feel about my marriage now like a can of diet soda. At first sip and while you’re drinking it, the taste is refreshing and nice; however, the aftertaste is just disgusting. (Sorry diet soda fans). I mean, it was nice but after experiencing that aftertaste I don’t want another sip. I think it's easy for me to disassociate with my memories of that relationship, because the aftertaste (bad years) was just so gross. However most of those years (which were mostly awesome) played a significant part of my story. Not only during the marriage, but after as well. Most of my adult life was spend with Crissy by my side but I don’t believe many of you know about those years. So I think it’s time to bite the bullet and just start from the beginning. Hopefully as I go along you’ll kind of see my intentions of this post. My goal is for this to be kind of like an Origin Story of the person I am today. J Also, I figured I might as well type this up because I’m starting to forget more and more of this part of my life (not complaining), and one day the kids might ask about me and their mom together, so I can refer to this post as a refresher. I will try to keep it as short as possible, but it might be lengthy. Just FYI.

Crissy and I met a few times before we actually really “met”. We went to high school together. She was a pretty, popular girl. After high school, she started working at Applebee’s where I was already working. So I trained her. We got along well at work, but that was really about it. Finally, one day one of our mutual friends wanted to throw a surprise party for his girlfriend (who was also a mutual friend). So pretty much, he was just “I’m going to distract her today. You two just plan a party by tonight and I will bring her over to be surprised.” Hahaha. So there we were, just two new friends driving around town in my first car.

Anyways after that day we just started hanging out the time. Just friends that eventually evolved into best friends. We are pretty much inseparable. Neither of us had romantic feelings, just best buddies. Well, that kind of changed a few months later, when we took “The Road Trip”. Those few days were some of the craziest in my life. Seriously, I need to post about it soon. I think everyone would really enjoy it. But until then, I’ll give an ultra-brief summary. Our friends, Reed and April, Crissy, and I went on a road trip to the beach one summer. We all just kinda piled in the bus and went. On that trip, it kinda of just hit me. I was in love with her. It was a super strange and nerve wracking feeling. I didn’t say anything on the trip or for a while after. Finally, one day I just told her. She said she didn’t feel the same. I remember lying in bed that night being so heartbroken. Getting your heart crushed at 18 was no fun. L So the next morning, I drove out to her parents’ house to talk to her. She really didn’t want to hear what I had to say on the matter, but I was persistent. I laid it flat out on the table. “Crissy, what chance do I have of us ever getting together?” Her response, “I promise you that you have absolutely zero chance ever. That’s not going to happen.” I appreciated her honesty. I knew it was tough for her too. No one likes to lose a best friend. So I slowly trudged to my bus, got in, cried, and drove home. We kinda of quit talking or seeing each other after that. It was literally us hanging out together 24/7 for months and months to zero communication. It was hard on me, but I got through it.

A few months pass…

I was at work and my manager came and told me I had a phone call. (This is back in day before everyone had cell phones. Don’t you miss those days? :D ) It was Crissy. I was stunned. She asked if I wanted to come over after work. Of course, I said yes! So I went over there and she explained how no one treated the way I did and she missed me. I was happy. Suddenly, we were back on track spending all of our time together. Then one night while we were helping a friend move (Crissy showed up in overalls, a trucker hat, and a painted on beard to look like a “mover” hahaha), she kissed me. I’ll be completely honest. I was stunned. She kept kissing me, and I think my brain and body must have not been able to handle it, because I immediately went to the bathroom and puked! HAHAHAHA. I felt sick the entire next day. It was just a super intense rush of feelings and emotions. She kinda just hung out with me on my parents couch. We both laughed about how I got so excited from kissing her that I puked and had to just lay down for a day and soak all of this in.

So later that afternoon, we went back to our friends new house to help her unpack and move her stuff into her new place. It was very late before we finished. I remember the date. It was July 2, 2004. It was about 2am, and our friend moved by VSU so we decided to just go for a walk around campus. I could tell we both just “knew”. So during the walk I leaned down, picked a wild flower, and asked her to marry me. She said “Yes. Of course.” And that was that. J

We suddenly tried to think of how to explain this to our parents. She was 19; I was 18. How were we supposed to tell them that we were engaged?!? Also, I still needed to officially ask her dad’s permission. So we came up with this secret plan… We told both of our parents we were just dating, so they wouldn’t think we were crazy. Then after a few months, I asked her dad to marry her. He said “Nope.” HAHAHA. I remember sitting there in side by side arm chairs for about an hour trying to convince him to let me marry her. I literally drew little charts explaining how Crissy’s GPA and work performance had improved with us “dating”. Finally, he looked at me super serious and said “Fine, but she’d better not be holding a baby until after she’s walked across that college graduation stage.”

Yay!! I was delighted. This was October 2004. We immediately started planning this wedding. I rented an apartment to have a place for us to rent. That place was a literal dump, but it was all I could afford. It had six foot ceilings, and I’m 6’2. It was pretty much just a tiny, TINY one bedroom apartment. However, it was ultra-cheap and right across the street from the college. This was awesome because we were both in school full time. The day I moved out, my dad took me to the side and made me promise him one thing. He said, “Promise me, that you will both never sleep in that apartment, until you two are married.” I agreed and so thankful for that advice. My dad is such a wise man. However, we were taking all of our classes together and working all of our jobs together. So driving her 25 miles home every night in my bus (that had a top speed of about 40 mph) was just getting kind of old. We both decided we needed to bump the wedding day up. We sat down with her parents and said “Ok. We are moving the wedding date.” Her mom’s response, “THANK GOD!! You two need to be engaged for at least a year.” We both kinda looked at each other and laughingly cringed, replying “No, we are bumping it UP. We are getting married in January 2005.” Hahahaha.

So January came. We were both so excited for the big day. Our wedding was super fun and original I like to believe. It was a 1960’s theme wedding. On the invitations, we encouraged people to dress up if they wanted to. In the foyer of the church, we had face painting, hair wraps, love beads, and a station to leave your shoes so people could go barefoot into the wedding ceremony if they wanted. Crissy and I did everything pretty much from scratch. We tie-dyed sheets to hang in the church. Our friend helped us make the flower arrangements. It was just a fun event. Our friends dressed as pirates and were the door greeters. The ring bearers were some of our friends dressed in full costume as Scooby Doo and the Pink Power Ranger. That was just a really fun day. J

There we were two 19 year old married kids taking all of our college classes and working all of our jobs together (We typically kept about 2-3 jobs while in school to avoid loans and be financially independent.) We spend our free time volunteering around town together.  It was some of the best years of my life. Crissy and I were inseparable. Most of our friends called us “Criss and Sethy”. Those super broke younger married days are the ones I always think of first. We were just living on love, and man we were in love.

Finally, when we were college seniors Crissy accidentally ended up pregnant; however, I did keep my promise to her dad. She did not walk across that stage holding a baby. She just walked across it 8 months pregnant. Hahahaha!! I was so excited to become a “daddy”. I always wanted to have kids. In March 2008, we welcomed our little Stevie Joy into the world. We kept her a surprise, but I was convinced she was a boy that we were going to name “Titus”. Crissy got a full time job working for Babies Can’t Wait. We built a house. I decided to go back for my masters. It was a time of big changes, but Crissy and I were tighter than ever. I remember once, I went out of town for a few days, and she called me every day of that trip crying. Not because she was stressed about having a baby by herself, but because she just wanted me to be there with them.

You can identify the child by my glasses frames :)

Months pass. We sell our house, and I graduate with my Masters. Soon we find out that Stevie is going to have a little sister. So in July of 2009, Neela Grace was brought into the world. I start looking for a job as a K-12 Library Media Specialist, but couldn’t find any for a long time. I remember becoming pretty depressed during this time. I just remember a thinking that a man needed to provide. The best I could get was a part time job at a local private school. The pay was hardly anything, but at least it was some actual experience. My spirits were really low. One specific thing that always comes to mind during this time frame was Crissy coming to sit in my lap, picking up my head, looking me dead in the eyes and saying “Seth. I love you more than you understand. I’m proud of you. Don’t stress over this job. Let’s just love each other, love people, and love Jesus.” It was such a tender moment that I felt truly so blessed to have her in my life.

Eventually, I get a job at Wiregrass GA Technical College (formerly Valdosta Technical College). The pay was minimal, but at the time I WANTED that job. I would have a REAL job. They called me into do three different interviews. I didn’t hear anything for a while after that, so I started to become depressed again, until I got the call!! I got the job, and we were officially rich! Hahaha. Soon after, I finally got my “Titus”. We moved into a little house that was formerly her granddads. Besides the crappy apartment, 603 E. Stanfill Street holds the fondest memories. We were just this little family that was completely in love with each other. I can’t really express how close we were then. We led a marriage group a church and were constantly asked for marriage advice from people. I just remember playing in our backyard and my heart feeling so full.

After about two years, we move out of our Hahira house and into my parents’ old house to help take care of my grandmother. They moved to Alabama but my Mimi lived in a mother-in-law suite attached to their house. This was also a fun time in our married life. We were just a family living on the farm and now expecting our last child, Olive!! The kids loved living there. To be honest, so did I. Then our life changed again when I was offered my current job at Valdosta State University. The pay was significantly much more which was exciting. So exciting in fact, that we decided to buy a second home from her dad. (He is a contractor and sold us both of our houses for very cheap. Her parents are such blessings still to this day.)

There we were. We finally made it to official adulthood. Both with good paying professional jobs, a little stair step patch of kids, and a brand new super nice house. I know what really happened next, but we kind of became a little more distant. I was working more and she was busy with her job (she worked two days a week) and being a mommy. We were still very close and happily married, but I think we could both feel something was off.

Time passed and she started going out with friends more and more at night, while I stayed home with the kids. This led to arguments, which resulted in marital conflict. We never had this happen before. I mean, we fought from time to time, but never like this. She started drifting off more and more frequently. Meanwhile, I was becoming more and more bitter about my wife leaving me all the time to be with her friends. We both made mistakes during this time. Not pointing any blame. There are always two sides to every story, but finally it came to the point that I was with the kids alone pretty much all of the time besides when I was working. That was a tough time for me. She started hinting for a divorce, but I always said that I would never ever agree to that. We loved each other and needed to build our marriage back up. The situation grows progressively worse. Days, weeks, months pass. By now I’m doing the kids solo and Crissy has moved out. No one knows anything. I keep up a social media appearance that we are still a happy couple. When we happen to see each other, things usually erupt. I’m just so broken and hurt that my best friend just left me. This is only escalated by the fact that I’m pretty much I total train wreck raising four kids on my own. Still, I hold on to the hope that this marriage would be healed. I’m constantly talking privately with a small group friends and counselors trying to work out my brokenness.

Then, one day I just feel this sudden peace. That was God btw. We stopped fighting. He molded me from an “interrogator” into an “encourager”.  I was positive that I would be able to keep things together and protect her reputation so it was be a seamless transition into our happy harmony again. I was beginning to get the hang of being a single working dad/full time parent of four. Every single night, I would sit for hours and pray for her, our marriage, and our kids. However, it seemed the more healing I found, the further Crissy drifted away from the kids and me. We hardly saw her. Still I had peace and was able to show that peace to the kids. Remember, Crissy used to be the most legit mom ever. Having her fade away from their lives was almost too much too watch. However like I said, me and “my crew” as I started to call them found peace in midst of the storm. I learned little techniques to help them cope with everything that was going on. Soon, it was like she was kinda just gone completely, but we were still married.  

Although I felt peace, it was still heart breaking. More and more people began to call me with “Crissy stories” and questions about what was going on. My fear of divorce slowly faded into an actual thought “what if it happened?” I began to pray more and more about this. Not trying to spread gossip, but Biblically speaking I had firm ground to stand on in the case of divorce.  Then my worry was “What if I lose the kids.” Honestly, how many dads of four with full time jobs get custody? So I started praying. I felt God telling me to fast (not eat) for two days and truly put my whole heart into praying and listening for an answer. Then driving home from work (I remember the time of day and the exact spot of the road I was driving), I felt God tell me “You’ve done well”. I knew it was time to file. The process was so nerve-wracking. I lost so much weight from just being so overwhelmed that I literally never had an appetite. Those months were the most anxious times in my life. I was constantly worried that Crissy would get the kids. However in the end, she agreed that I should have primary custody and she would get every other weekend visitations. Praise God!! The kids and I had become so unbelievably tight throughout the past few years of walking through this together that I couldn’t imagine not having them with me. It was an answer to prayer. I was and still am elated with the outcome.

I just keep on keeping on. Just “living the dream” (my go to response for questions about life). Life became such a fun thing. I was living this incredibly unique gift of a life that was filled with the craziest stories of the most awesome kids in the entire world. Every day seemed to be an adventure. However, I did feel sad at times that I didn’t have anyone to share all of these crazy stories and silly experiences with.  Then one night, I thought to myself “You know what? I’m not just going to sit around and wait for a wife to share this stuff. I’m gonna stuff putting this stuff online. If nothing else, it will be a fun way to remember things for when the kids grow up.” That was the beginning of the blog you are reading now. Yay! Fun, right ;)

So yeah, that’s my Origin Story. I love the person I am. I love my kids. I love the life I have. I love the God I serve.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

The Masculine Art of "Crafting"

Crafting isn’t typically a hobby you hear men talk about. Hahahaha. Admittedly, it isn’t the most masculine of activities; however, in this post I’m gonna try to explain I enjoy it just as much as my kids. First, I’m not really talking about pre bought kits or activities. I mean I’m all for those too. I get them all the time for us to do at home. I’m talking about sitting down and using ingenuity to create something new. Since I don’t have my dad’s incredible woodworking skills, I stick with creating things that could be made with the contents of a preschool’s art supply closet :D hahaha. It’s simply creating things with your hands that makes your kids happy. It’s pushing your brain to think not only “outside the box”, but more like “I’m about to tear this box in half to build dinosaur legs”.

I think the reason I wanted to type on this topic is that I tend to meet new friends online quite frequently. One of the first questions asked when getting to know someone is “What are your hobbies?” I mean is it just me, or is that just the most uncomfortable question ever.

 

I mean should I just be honest?
“My hobbies include eating and thinking about eating.”

But seriously, whenever I get asked that question lately I find myself saying “Writing and Crafting”. Every time that comes out of my mouth, I always pause, run to the bathroom, lock the door, check to see if my equipment is still actually intact, and then breathe a sigh of relief that yes I still am in fact a man. Hahahaha. I’m just a dude that likes to make stupid crap out of cardboard, duct tape, and hot glue guns. So yeah, I want to kind of explain what I define as crafting and why Megows love it so much.

First off, I completely suck at traditional crafts things (making wreaths, festive decorations, handy DYI life hacks, cute little snack things, etc.). I mean I admit it; I’m legitimately terrible at that stuff. Side note: Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure the kids have inherited that trait from me. I’ve seen some of the stuff that they work up and let’s just say that while it’s fridge material, it’s more “resting flat on the top of the fridge” kind of work... Hahahaha. I’m just teasing, they are super talented at everything. Duh, they are the best humans ever ;)

But for real, I think our craft projects are pretty rigged together and unique. When I say crafts, I use that term extremely loosely, meaning everything from costumes to outside activities. Pretty much, if I have to exert some amount of creativity and mental/physical effort than I’m feel I have earned the right to claim that junk as a craft that I did for my kid. For instance:

Friend: “So what did you do last night?”

Seth: “Me and the kids crafted last night!”

Friend: "Wow! That’s so awesome. You are such an awesome parent.”

Seth: “Welllll, not trying to brag but I’m pretty awesome at these creative activities.”

Friend: “I’m so jealous. How do you find the time? What did you guys do for your craft?”

Seth: “We did a culinary adventure. I just designed a little activity to expand their creativity and abstract thought to enhance their palette.”

One of my kids: “Dad what the heck are you talking about? All you did was let us dump sprinkles in our spaghetti while you watched funny cat videos on youtube.”

Seth: “Exactly. I crafted the crap out of you guys last night. Hashtag Pro Parent”

Friend: “Uuuhhh dude. Isn’t that your kid poking that dog turd with a stick?”

Ok. I'm just gonna list off a few of my favorites and talk about them :D 

"The Work Fort"

The kids had been begging for me to make them a fort in the backyard for months. Given that me building a fort would ultimately end up with me having a nail in my head and some sort of short term memory loss, I started looking for a better option. Then one day when they were at work with me, we found all of these old schedules mounted on foam board just sitting by the trash can to be tossed in the dumpster. So you can bet your butt, we grabbed that junk. So then I dawned on me that this would be the perfect fort! I grabbed some tape and markers from the desk and made a fort on my lunch break. They all decorated parts of it, and we put in a sunroof. :) 

"The Valentine's Boxes"

When I was a kid, I LOVED Valentine's parties at school. I got valentine's from pretty girls, a butt load of candy, but mostly I got to make Valentine's Boxes or Bags. I remember my friends just writing their name, drawing a picture, and being finished. Even as I kid, I thought that was lame. I would stay in from recess to work on mine. My favorite was to make boxes that looked like monsters. Making those things was just the neatest thing to me. Of course, when my kids got old enough I was ultra pumped about carrying on the tradition. Here's the boxes we did over the past two years. However, we are probably going to make some new ones for 2017.

I loved that Titus asked for "A Scary Shark with Bloody Teeth". HAHA! Yes!!

Stevie's opens to reveal the opening for the cards.

"Costumes"

So you probably knew this was coming, but I LOVE LOVE making costumes for the kids. 1)  It saves money. 2) They are original 3) The main and most important reason, it's an excellent bonding experience and shows my kids I value and enjoy their company.

First, I'll talk about Titus's Ninja Turtle. It was supposed to be a birthday activity for us to do together. It was a Friday night, so I put on a movie for the girls while he and I worked to piece together a costume out of the supplies I had been collecting from around the house throughout the week. Well, he was overexcited and fell asleep about 5 minutes in. That's when my favorite part happened. The older two girls (Olive was asleep) turned off their movie and spend their Friday night helping make a ultra fun costume for their brother. That evening is one of my favorite memories ever. :)

The Supplies...

The Helpers...

 

The Happy Birthday Boy!

Next, I'll touch on Stevie's "Link" from "The Legend of Zelda" costume. Stevie Joy loves playing Zelda. In fact, her and I just played it together tonight. It's one of her favorite things to do with dad. Well, she was dead set on being Link for Halloween. We looked online and couldn't afford a decent one to buy. So we decided that we would built our own. It really wasn't that hard, but I just remember staying up late with her hot gluing the hat together and hunting in closets & dressers for all of the pieces we needed. The one thing she was a little bummed about was that we wanted a "real" shield and sword. After looking for a bit, we found a sword at a thrift store, so that half was solved. Then one day we found some rainbow colored duct tape like ultra cheap. So we bought it all, went home, and make her shield. This thing is pretty legit and took a serious beating over the past two years. She plays with it quite often and it is still standing strong. I just took the shield picture tonight.

Halloween 2014

This evening. 

Lesson Learned- Don't underestimate Duct Tape

Ok. I have way too much more to type, so I'm just gonna list some of my favorite costumes real quick... :) 

"Dress like a Senior Citizen Day" at school

Neela - Crazy Cat Lady

Titus - Everyone's Granddad that records every family event 

with his video camera from 1997

Stevie - Big Bad Wolf

(We literally made this the morning of) hahaha

And of course Titus as the Tornado for "Wizard of Oz" Day

I found this cardboard box and packing paper by the dumpster at work.

I just cut out a tornado shape with the cardboard, duct taped on the paper, spray painted it, added some fun details and velcro to the back and boom! 

Tornado Titus took about 45 minutes :D

"The BIG Fort"

We found some cheap PVC pipes and fittings and made a big blanket fort for quick and easy assembly.

However, I learned that the kids still preferred the original after using the BIG one a few times, so of course, we still rock regular blanket forts quite frequently.

"Neela's 'Aminal' Dance Party"

Last year for her birthday, Neela desperately wanted to have an 'aminal' dance party at our house. Of course, I agreed. It sounded fun and easy. Little did I know what she actually envisioned. Each party attendee needed a custom built costume, custom dancing music, and last but not least a dancing stage to be constructed in our living room. (no pressure dad) However, we pulled together and after about 3 days of making costumes and constructing what I think to be an epic stage, the party turned out great. I seriously just loved the little stage we made. <3 p="">

Neela helping built the stage

A cute little monkey, bear, and bat dancing away :)

Here's the actual video of the dance party if you are curious. 

It's only a few minutes long, but it's super cute.

Honorable Mentions

We make these Turkey Cookies every year around Thanksgiving.

We give them out at my work. They always make people smile :D

Our Resurrection Tomb for Easter.

We planted grass seeds on the hill and watered them everyday until it started to grow.

So neat to watch.

My Go-To Wedding Present:

So I started this gift over a decade ago. I used to just stuff a twenty in a porcelain figurine with a giant rock. I thought they would be able to figure it out. 

However over the years, it's evolved into a fun wedding night activity. So I collect supplies, type up instructions on how to play, provide them with all of the game components and put it all in a big box.

Pretty much, I like to view it something memorable people can do on their honeymoon 

(besides the obvious *wink wink)

The game is they each pick a figurine (I get them from the dollar store). 

Then they smash them open with the enclosed hammer.  

Each one contains a fun surprise. I just really like this little game and love to give it to couples. 

The game kit also requires them to wear the enclosed protective eyewear :D  haha

My majorly awesome cousin Parker and his beautiful bride Anna

So yeah. I've been typing for way too long to get to all of the stuff I had planned to include. Yikes. Sorry it's so long. However, here's my whole point of this post. Homemade things are the best. It doesn't matter if they look terrible or not. It's fun! 

Side note: I believe I talk about some other craft stuff in my History of Megow Birthday Parties post if anyone is interested.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing!!

Seth