What makes a Megow man? Besides the ravishing good looks ;)

I come from a long line of awesome men in my family tree. Both of my granddads were awesome and genuinely kind. My Papa Bob (the one with the white hair from a few posts ago) could do about anything he put his hands to: Teaching, carpentry, repairs, tech stuff, starting businesses and community organizations, etc. My other granddad, Papa Keith was very smart and started a very successful business, involved in community organizations, knew everything there was to know about fishing, and the first person ever to show me how to use a computer.

Don’t even think about challenging me to a DOS billiards game. I got that junk on lock down.

But I want to talk about my father for a bit. Because he's just that great. :) My dad is by far the most talented and giving man I have ever met. He’s the kind of person who is ultra smart (like knows the answer to EVERY question on jeopardy). He can fix anything and is always the first person I call when anything breaks. He was a Nurse Anesthetist for the major of his career, but he and my mom gave up that high paying salary to start and run a food pantry which fed 10,000’s of people and was one of the biggest food pantries in the county. He’s the type of person that can pretty much figure anything out if he tries. He knows how to do everything from beekeeping to hand crafting & forging knives.  That’s why I love helping him with tech things. It’s like the one thing I get more than him. It’s not much, but it’s like the only contribution I feel I give to our relationship.

“Ok Seth,  I fixed your lawn mower, reset your broken finger, changed your brake pads, hand carved you a 4 piece wooden salad set, and looked over all of your financial stuff. Need me to do anything else?"

“No thanks dad. Ummm… I fixed the email on your phone.”

Growing up, my dad always taught me the importance of hard work, not complaining, and thinking of others before yourself. He was and still is always doing something to help someone.  Most importantly, him, my mom, and all my grandparents told me from an early age the main reason we are on this Earth, to just love Jesus and to be Jesus to others. My parents have a closeness with God that I just love and admire. (Side note: God is always close to us, it’s our choice to draw closer to him in our daily lives.)  Since the moment I was conceived, my parents prayed for me. He always gathered the family together before bed and prayed for us. I loved that as a kid. It always made me feel so safe. Because he’s so modest he would never admit how great of a dad he is, but his influence has really shaped my life. Mostly it was the things he would do when no one was looking. He’s a man of character and the best in my book.  Since I’m grown with my own children now, I really try to follow in the footsteps my family laid out before me. Thank you for believing and always encouraging me. I honestly don't know where I would be without your calm demeanor, spiritual peace, and unending encouragement

For this post, I want to discuss what I think makes a “real man” and how I try to pass on these values to my own son. Our culture has a pretty clear definition of what a real man looks like. I think it disagree with what that is.

We need to make the Pyramid of Greatness a mandatory course in school for all male students.

Side Note: Ron Swanson's the freaking man.

However, for the most part, I have my own set of values and ideas of what makes a real man. In my book a man should above all have a few characteristics “Integrity, Self-Sacrifice, Hard Work Ethic, and Love”.  To be clear, I pretty much am horrible at most things “manly”. I am the worst at building things, not much muscle tone at all, don’t make a ton of money, my main hobby is doing little crafts with my kids, and my attempting to fix a car problem are hilarious to watch to say the least.

 

“Hey guys, I fixed the van’s AC.”

In my mind though, I’m becoming more of a real man that I ever have been just raising my kids. It doesn’t matter how much you can bench press or what your bank account looks like, if you don’t have true integrity. Being honest and doing what you say means more than anything else. I want to be a man of my word (like my dad and granddads). I want my own son to know that if dad says something, it means 100% the binding truth.

Self-sacrifice is a concept that I believe our culture kind of skims over. In my opinion, a man needs to put others before himself, especially his family. I think a lot of men view this as working hard so their family can have a better life. I totally agree with that idea, but there’s so much more to be considered. If a man works hard, but then just leaves his wife and kids to go have fun with his buddies after work or just clocks out in front of the tv on a regular basis, he may need to rethink his idea of self-sacrifice. We, as men, need to not only focus on the financial well being and physical safety of the family, but the all-around emotional and mental health of the family.  That might mean skipping out of what I want to do, to do what someone else wants to do (washing the dishes or having a Minnie Mouse tea party for the 4^th time this week). We have to learn what each member of our family needs from us and try our best to offer specifically that. That doesn’t mean that we should sacrifice doing things for ourselves or spending time cultivating our interests or hobbies. We just need to be the pillar of our families, giving all we have to ensure everyone we are supporting that we are there no matter what.

A hard work ethic is something most men understand and strive to have. It’s hard wired into our DNA. Generally when a man is lazy, it’s just a sad sight. This doesn’t mean a man has to be big breadwinner or work himself to death. There were times in our marriage before kids, where Crissy made more money than me. I worked part time, went to school full time, and took care of the kids. (I struggled with that. I like to work.) However, I put all I had into what I was doing. I think that’s the main thing. If you see a problem, work hard educating yourself, learning from your mistakes, and giving every problem as much of your full attention as you can muster. If we are being real men, it’s tough. We are pulled in a ton of different directions. We have a lot to balance, especially if we work and have a family. Every one of us are going to make mistakes, but showing genuine passion to lead and the desire to work hard will allow us grace to screw up from time to time.

Finally, I think showing love kind of wraps all of masculinity together. I’m not talking about “touchy feely” kind of stuff. I’m talking about really showing love to people. Even the strong silent type of man can sometimes be the best example. For instance, my ex-father in law (Crissy’s dad, Steve) is a great example. If you met Steve, he won’t dive into his feelings or ask you about yours. Even though he mind not see himself like this, he is the kind of guy that just loves people. He is constantly putting others before himself, he works harder than almost any human I have ever met, and he is a man of integrity. If he says something, he will do it. (Like most men, including myself, you might have to remind him a time or two, hahaha). But seriously though, even through the divorce, he (and Crissys mom Karen) would constantly tell me how proud they were of me and just offered a lot of support throughout not only the divorce, but since the first time we met.

When I first had two daughters, I wasn’t really that nervous. I think loving little girls is just so easy for a daddy. Just treat them like a princess and shower them with affection and encouragement. When I found out I was having a little boy, I can honestly say I was nervous. This little guy was going to be looking up to me as his main role model. Would I be an amazing role model, like my dad or Steve? I think at first I fell into the trap of just working and working. Trying to make the most money I could and let my wife take care of the kids emotional well being. Mostly, I think I was lacking in terms of being a strong leader and spiritual foundation in my house. I was funny, hard working, and involved in their lives, but I don’t think I truly discovered what being a real man was until the divorce. When I started to focus on these elements I’m talking about, I noticed a change in me but more importantly in my son.

He’s such an amazing little guy. Titus is the most giving, humble, self-sacrificing kid I have ever met. He has such empathy for others, it kind of blows my mind. Where the rest of my kids, give love in their own specific love language, Titus (at the age of 5) has without even knowing it learned to see others love language and give his affection accordingly. He gives without reserve (he gave away his Halloween candy to police officers), does little acts of kindness with no expectation of reward (today while everyone was playing in their rooms, he cleaned his bathroom top to bottom without being asked, just to make me smile), absolutely thrives on giving compliments, loves to hold hands with his friends, and will make special time to give to his sisters to make them feel special (for instance, he offered to be Neela’s helper for her new invention).

Love my best buddy 

I love seeing all my kids happy and healthy. Seeing them being kind to others assures me that I’m doing a good job as a dad. However, seeing Titus showing these kinds of manly traits, encourages me that I am pouring the right things into him that he needs. Seeing Titus grow like this is probably the best physical proof, that I’m trying my best to the man I need to be for my family. I screw up a lot, but I think my kids know I'm give all of this my best attempt and constantly give me encouragement. Have I said lately that they are awesomely amazing in every way? :)

-Seth

Raising Four Kids Alone

I’ve gotten to know quite a few people since I’ve become a single parent, also I believe quite a few people have gotten to know me via the internet. It’s fun talking into friends in the grocery store, at the park, at church, or even over texts/facebook messages. Whenever I am talking to people I don’t normally communicate with on a regular basis, normally the first thing they say is “I don’t know how you do raise four kids by yourself.” Hahahaha. Honestly, so so many people have life way harder than me. I think my life is a cake walk compared to a single mom. But, since I get asked so much I’d like to expand on that question during this post.

Most of the time when I get asked that question, I just smile and tell the truth. “My kids are just so great. They make it enjoyable.” That’s really the truth. I am just fully in love with my kids. They are my best friends. We are the type of family that does life together. Of course I try to encourage their own individual interests and set aside special time to devote solely to each of them, but most of our time is spent as a group. It’s just how we make it work. I think that’s one of the reasons I always give credit to my kids. Of course they argue and fight. Each of us has our own issues, but that’s the beauty of it. We work through it all together. In our house, no one will ever have to go alone. I just love the idea of that. No matter what happens in my life or how horrible of a day I might be having, I have four little people who believe in me and actively show me love.

However, it wasn’t always second nature to me. To be honest, at first the realization that this was “real life” for me was beyond intimidating. Waking up early to get four kids ready for school as well as getting myself ready for work, juggling all of the home and my career responsibilities, taking on the full financial load of a family of five with no extra income besides what I bring to the table, picking up and dropping off for every event, school day, doctor’s appointment, parent/teach conference, etc. and finally acting as dad & mom in my house just seemed too much. Finally after months of trial and error and praying/thinking about what my little crew REALLY needed, I realized that my kids just needed me to be there. They can do without fancy clothes, extravagant vacations, and the nicest toys. Each of them simply want dad to be fully committed to their lives.

Besides the fact that my kids are my favorite people in the world, there are a few other tricks that I utilize to keep my sanity:

1) Don’t sweat the small stuff.

2) My definition of “the small stuff” was dramatically changed over the past few years. Hahaha. Now it’s more like “the medium stuff”. Basically, I just added a few things to the list for me not to worry about (random piles of junk laying around my house, matching socks, separating whites from colors in the laundry, making it to every event we are invited to, etc) I just do what I can do. Besides that, I honestly try to just not worry about it.

3) Figure out exactly how each of my kids show/receive love and laser beam focus on that junk. I don’t have time or resources to do everything I would want as a parent, so I need to make sure I’m ultra-intentional on how I do spend those things.

4) Find the joy in every situation. There will always be something sad/frustrating/annoying in every single aspect of life. It’s not that you shouldn’t acknowledge those things, but I like to make it a point to highlight to myself and my kids something positive in everything we do.

5) Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Haters gonna hate. So I just do me. I mean I’m a single adult male who drives a mini-van. Hahaha. I couldn’t care less about that people think of me cruising up in my 2008 Dodge Grand Caravan.

6) Embrace practicality. When I learned to cut out the fluff and frou-frou, things got way easier for me. My dream Christmas present? Pay my monthly water bill :) hahaha.


All of this being said, I do rent a permanent seat on the struggle bus. Do I think of myself as a perfect parent? HAHAHAHA!! No. Heck no. No times infinity. Geez, I probably screw up more than most everyone reading this. There’s only so many times a human can slip in spilled chocolate milk before they kinda lose it ;) If you’ve been around me in person, I’m sure you seen me lose my cool with my kiddos before. When they act out, and I don’t always respond in the best manner. I over react quite a bit and don’t always dive into each situation as I should. There’s normally always someone whining, crying, mad or upset. Bottom line, they are kids. Also, they are kids who’ve went through emotional trauma. They are bound to act out because their little, sweet brains don’t know how to deal with some of these crazy, hard emotional situations that surface from time to time. Seriously though, every parent in the world is flawed. We just do what we can and try our 103% best.

Now, another question… Do I think of myself as an awesome parent? ---- YES!!! Is it because of anything I say or do? Nope. Honestly, it’s just because I’m there. Being there makes anyone an awesome parent. It’s not some special secret formula. Whether you spend thousands of dollars taking your kid to Disney world or just sit and color imaginary animals with them, to me it’s all the same. Just devoting time to them makes you their hero.

Tonight, I was putting away dishes and Titus walked up to me & asked if we could lay together on the couch. So we did. After a few minutes of us just talking and watching a movie together, he makes a really serious face, looks at me and says “Daddy. Would you ever leave us?” I smiled and said, “Of course not buddy. You are stuck with me.” His face stayed serious while he said, “No. I’m serious. What if we don’t clean up the house good enough or I do something bad? Would you ever leave us then?” I paused for a moment and looked at him & said “Buddy. I'm never, ever going to leave you. I promise.” He just smiled and wrapped himself up in my arms on the couch. Really that’s what it all boils down to. Regardless of what happens, I’m there. That’s how I parent four kids solo. Screw ups and all, I’m still just there, and they are there for me.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

My Ideal Mate

Recently, I’ve been dealing with some drama and stuff regarding my ex. I originally was going to type up a post about all of that crap. However, I feel like it’s not really anything I want to discuss at the moment, and more importantly it’s my nature to look more towards the future than the past. So in this post, I want to talk about something I have never really discussed in depth before on the blog… my ideal mate.

Let me start off by saying this is in no means and advertisement for myself looking for dates. Nor is it a statement that I am ultra desire a girlfriend/wife at the moment. I think it’s more something for myself. I hope people don’t view this as desperation, because I can assure you it’s not. I just think people are just curious about my little crew and our situation. People ask me a lot about remarriage or dating. Normally, I just have my typically stock answers for those questions; however one question always stumps me, “What are you looking for in a wife.” Hmmm… Every time I get asked I normally just deflect it by cracking a fart joke. I really never really thought deeply about the issue. I think that’s why I wanted to type this up. So I’m about to wing the crap outta this thing and hopefully, we can all figure this out together we as go along.

So first things first. I’m looking for a partner and wife. Not a mom for my kids. Personally, I think it’s a big mistake going down the “finding a new parent for your kids” route. My kids will grow up. I want a connection besides my kids. However on the flip, I’m very attracted to someone with a compassionate heart and nurturing spirit when it comes to my kids. I’m not looking for a replacement mom for my kids. However, someone to fall in love with them as they are falling in love with me would be my dream. We are kinda a package deal ;)

That brings up the topic of single parenting. Realistically, I would like to find a single parent. I can’t even being to comprehend the challenges of blended families, but I just know I would like to not be the only ones bringing kids into the mix. People never end up as a single parent without some sort of sadness in their story. The kids and I have our own little story. This results in various behaviors, insecurities, self-doubts, flaws, etc. I just feel it would be mutually beneficial to have someone that kind of “gets it”. I need someone to not only be patient with my kids as they work through stuff, but me as well. I’ve worked through my divorce. I’m healthy and whole in that area; however, there was a lot of hurt. I’m sure things will pop up and I need someone patient and accepting.

But let’s talk more about the traits that I love. One of the things I truly love in people is selflessness and humility. In a world of selfies and materialism, it’s something that I feel is such a rare thing to find. I love when I notice these little traits of love in someone from their actions. They don’t purposefully talk about themselves. They love just to love. Not for recognition or reward. Just being Jesus to people. No frills. No fancy title. No reward. I can’t think of someone I love more.

Another thing I love is a serene and fulfilled spirit. Just FYI,  I’m not super big on money. It’s nice to have for fun special events, but I’m not looking for a highlight reel marriage. You know what I mean, just living from big event to big event. I’m more interested in a Tuesday night marriage. I want someone that is fulfilled with quiet times spent together. Someone who is more interested in intimate moments like laying on the couch reading a book while I play with her hair and write a blog post than someone who is constantly looking forward to the weekend. I think the best way to summarize this is that I want someone who enjoys each day as a gift.

Kindness and gentleness is a big one for me. I freaking melt when a see a tender heart. I’m a sucker for a women like that. I like a woman with deep emotions. From what I’ve seen deep emotions are my favorite. It results in deep fulfillment and deep satisfaction. I’m attracted to a sensitive heart. I mean everyone has their own tastes, so don’t think this is the “right way or wrong way” to be, but a sensitive woman is just so feminine and I love that. However, I will say… I also like my women with a feisty side. I guess I like a woman that could be described as the sweetest little woman, but someone you don’t want to piss off. Hahaha

Also, I would love to find someone with an artistic side. The world that God made is so beautiful. I think it’s so neat when people can capture that with whatever their chosen medium. I like when the artistic side of someone flows into their personality and gives them a quirky, one of kind little personality. I enjoy quirky. However, to bounce of off that completely, I am also looking for a “planner”. I’m very happy to bounce from moment to moment. Although there’s a lot of good to be found in how I live and think, someone to reign me in from time to time would be nice :)

I’m big on love languages. It’s one of the first things I try to pick up whenever I’m around someone new. I know my kids love languages and work them into my daily parenting. As a spouse, it’s super big for me to be aware of these. I want someone to recognize mine and make an effort for me to feel loved. My past marriage was hell to walk through and I’ve been a single parent for so long, having someone make a point to make me feel valued in a relationship would be nice.

Hmmmm… what’s next. Oh yeah. Humor. I freaking love to laugh. I would like someone who gets my humor. Also, I mean they don’t have to be hilarious per se, but someone who could make me laugh would be nice.

Can you tell I’m just winging this? I never really sat down to type it up before. What’s next… I like people who have their own interests and passions. I’m not looking for someone to just like everything I like or want to do everything I do. Why would I want to be with myself? I’m not that cool. I want to be able to learn about your interests and things you are passionate about. :)

Since I’ve been a single dad for quite a while, I’ve grown pretty independent. I want someone who’s also someone independent (another reason for a single mom). I want space to do things with my kids at times. However, one of my two big love languages are quality time. So while, I like to have my me time, I also want someone who wants and makes it point to spend together. I know that’s ultra confusing. I don’t like someone who is super clingy, but views me as valuable enough want to be around me more than not.  I want to know someone wants to talk and spend time with me.

I love when people are themselves. Seriously, I absolutely love it. I’m not talking about being different just to be different. I’m talking about when you are just you. You pick your clothes because it’s how you want to dress. You cultivate your hobbies because you truly enjoy them. (Take for example, how I’m drifting into the second person point of view by using “you” a lot in this post. I know it’s grammatically incorrect, but it’s how I feel like typing it. So that means I’m just gonna do it). I like when people own who they are.

Ok. I guess I will need to discuss the various things I am physically attracted to. Here’s what I’m attracted to: A sweet smile that results in squinty little eyes, someone wearing their natural hair color, someone who has tiny little features about them that are different. Basically, I love a cute woman. I’m not really big on “sexy”. I don’t know if I have an exact taste though.

All this being said, I think I’m kind of picky? Maybe it’s because I’m not really looking at the moment. However, I just kind of know I’m ready. Mostly due to the fact that I’m happily single. I think me and my kids have many areas of improvement, but for the most part, we have our little life on lockdown. We don’t NEED a woman, which is nice because I don’t feel pressure to find one nor would feel pressured bringing someone into our lives. It’s just a weird feeling I’ve been having lately. Like I might be in a relationship sooner than later. I can’t really explain it. It’s just this gut feeling, and I’m pretty at peace about it.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,
Seth

"Old Seth" vs "New Seth"

*Puts on The Beatles – Rubber Soul and cracks knuckles*

Ok, let’s do this thang. 

Yup. Another Seth post. Sorry. Normally, I love highlighting funny “little megow” stories or things that I love about the kids. I really not big on talking about myself, however sometimes I just get an idea in my head for a post so I just run with it. 

I’ve briefly touched on this topic a few various times, but I wanted to explain deeper. I’ve talked about my personality and various events that led me to the person I am currently.  The other day I was thinking about a few of my friends. I was trying to figure out how many of my friends really knew the “Old Seth” and really know the “New Seth”. My personality has a physically/emotionally changed significantly the past few years. Like I could feel myself changing. It was a painful process, but it is extremely neat to reflect on the process. It was kind of like when Spiderman got bit by the spider, but instead of just one night, it took place over the course of about 2 years. So since many of you never met me before I went through a marriage crumbling apart and a divorce, this is who I was. For my old friends who I don’t see often enough, this is who I am now.

The main way I can examine how I’ve changed is to look at my Myers Briggs (MBTI) results.

 *Quick note: I’ve talked extensively about my love for Myers Briggs before on facebook and I believe I’ve mentioned it here before. So If you are curious about finding out yours, I really encourage you to take it. It’s free and takes about 5 minutes. Click here to find out yours! It’s helpful in self-reflection, relationships, friendships, etc.*

Ok. Back on topic. For years every time I took my MBTI, my results were ALWAYS ENTJ. It was so neat because during all of the mess and divorce, I took it twice and I could see my results pulling more and more towards another result. Finally, I took it and I am a true ENFJ now. I’ve taken multiple versions of the test and it always comes out the same. The difference is with my third column T(hinking)  vs F(eeling). Don’t worry, I’m going to break this down into layman’s terms. Pretty much what is means is: How someone copes with decision making and emotions. I’m going to try to break down the differences between the two and not make it ultra boring J hahaha

-------------- Old Seth History------------------

Old Seth was very similar to New Seth except that he was extremely logical and non-emotional. I don’t think it’s bad, it was just who I was. I tend to feel that a lot of men are wired that like this. It wasn’t a choice of how I wanted to act, it was literally who I was. Here’s a few good examples:

-I didn’t mind debating. I knew what I knew and wasn’t afraid to engage someone to lay my facts out. If they got upset, well it’s wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t trying to hurt their feelings. I was just having a lively discussion and we were exchanging view points.

-Not empathic at all. Now at the time, I didn’t really even understand how significant this was for me. I just didn’t feel much empathy. I loved and helped people constantly. I just couldn’t wrap my head around people’s situations. I had a hard time putting their heart in my chest and feeling how they felt. To be fair, I tried so hard for this. It just didn’t come naturally.

-Didn’t understand the full range of emotions. My emotions were limited to “funny, hungry, mad, and happy.” I was just a simple man who loved to make people laugh and loving my family. I never experienced grief or heartbreak. I just couldn’t fathom it. Really my goal was to make people laugh. That was the be-all-end-all goal. Just to make someone crack up. J

Now this doesn’t mean I was a bad person or I think I lost pure negative qualities when my personality changed. First, I was extremely good at taking emotions out of decisions and looking for a realistic, practical point of view. If I saw a situation, I could just take the facts and make the best logical and fair decision. I didn’t get ultra-worried about everyone’s feelings involved. It just was what it was. I wanted to be fair to everyone and making rational decisions not based on emotion was best back then.

Old Seth was more of a structural leader. Basically, he knew the rules and wanted everyone to follow them as well. If you broke the rules, well you got punished. If you obeyed the rules, you got rewarded. There wasn’t a bunch of preferential treatment. I think that’s a great trait about ENTJ. They make a level playing field and hold people accountable for their mistakes, but also notice good traits about individuals.

The ENTJ personality is typically 75% men. I think that’s why I felt so comfortable with it. Mostly, all of my buddies were the same way. I wasn’t 100% satisfied with who I was, but it was safe to say I happy with the person I was and the life I had.

-------------- Similarities Between the Two------------------

Now just to be clear, a big part of my personality remained the same. The “EN_J” was still the same. The traits are referring to the fact that I’m:

 Extroverted – I get my energy from being around people. I just love human interaction. I wouldn’t say this is a 100% thing. There’s a few times a week, I prefer to sit alone with my thoughts (and my computer so I can blog, Hahahaha)

iNtuitive – This means that I’m very imaginative and creative. An easy to understand this one is to think of left brain vs right brain. I’m like total right brain (N). It’s always 100%, Hahahaha. Here’s a chart for a good visualization.  Another way to describe myself in this area is I’m pretty artsy fartsy :D hahaha

Judging – This is actually one way that I’ve changed a bit as well. Judging individuals have a clear plan and work towards that goal. The other extreme is Prospecting. This is more improvising a plan and finding opportunities. I think that the reason I pull more towards the J side is that I am a big picture thinker. I have this grand scheme of how things should look in my head; however, on the opposite side, I kind of just float around life like a leaf in the breeze. Both Old Seth and New Seth normally has this column split pretty close down the middle.

-------------- New Seth Begins------------------

Ok. So I’ve explained “Old Seth” and also, the similarities between both my past self and my current. Now let’s dive into the “New Seth”. I’m proudly an ENFJ. I love this personality. It just fits me. For the first time, I’m not just “happy” with myself, I actually feel “satisfied” with who I am. I feel that this was who I was designed to be; I’m not sure why I was the way I before or how I ended up being that way originally.

Here’s some of the major differences that I can see in myself:

-So much emotion. Geez. I actually feel emotions. Like the full spectrum. It took me awhile to adjust to this. For so long, I just didn’t feel this stuff. Hahahaha. At first, I was kind of a wreck. I would cry in the pharmacy when I saw an old man with his little dog. Or I would get insane excited about Stevie telling me that she made a new friend.  It took me awhile to learn to deal with all of this stuff.

-I despise debating (or arguing as I call it now) I’m sorry I just don’t see a point is debating or proving that I am right. Or “educating” people on all of the things I am knowledgeable about. It’s not that I don’t feel I would lose. I honestly, just don’t care anymore. I’ve learned that people will listen to what they want to hear and block out the rest. The only heart change comes from love and mostly leading by example. You want to debate how to end hate or how the media controls our views with calculated stories designed to inflict fear and panic about people that are “different”. Be my freaking guest. Talk until you are blue in the face J I’m just going to turn off the TV and go give someone a hug & have a heart talk about their feelings. Maybe we’ll split a cookie and talk about Star Wars. I don’t see anything wrong per se with debating. (Can I tell I’m sick of the election? Hahahaha). New Seth just feels different about it than I used to. Every side has a million flaming arrows for the other. It makes me sad the lack of kindness in our society. It’s why I always ask my kids “How did you make someone smile today?”

-Empathy I saved this one for last because it’s the biggest one. In my mind, it kind of encompasses everything that I have grown into. It’s not that I became more empathetic. The fact is that I had like ZERO empathy no matter how much I tried. Now, it’s so bad I sometimes try to tone it down. Hahaha. Gone are the days of logical, factual decisions.

Here’s an excellent example of old me vs new me. Yesterday evening after dinner, we were having “clean time”. Basically, I set the timer for 20 minutes and we all just clean the house as much as we can. Well about five minutes into clean time, I found Neela hiding in my closet and not cleaning. Old Seth would have handled that in a specific way. In addition to speaking sternly to her about ducking out of responsibilities and sending her back out to finish the remaining time on the clock, I probably would have added an additional 10-15 minutes that Neela had to clean by herself after everyone else finished. However, New Seth took a different approach. For some reason, I could just sense that she was upset about something. So instead of yelling about her not cleaning, I just shut the door and put her in my lap and asked her what was wrong. Immediately she just burst into tears and started going into some heart troubles she was having with life.

Now let's analyze this situation. Was one solution better than the other? It depends on who you ask. On one hand, it was clear Neela needed to have a heart talk with her Daddy at that moment. However, on the other hand, was this fair? I mean Neela didn’t have to clean like everyone else The other kids had to work and Neela didn’t. Some people might not feel this was the right decision, I am ok with that. I think this is how I’ve changed the most, I think instead of seeking fairness in every situation, I try to gauge each situation/decision as it comes. My decisions aren’t always logical or completely “fair” anymore, but in my heart I just feel I make the right choices.

I think this was an awkward transition at first. About 70% of ENFJ people are women. It was just weird feeling not ultra masculine in terms of personality and emotion. I mean I’m still all guy, but I just have this new emotional range that a lot of men don’t have. So now, I love it. It makes me unique and just part of what makes me “Seth”. So again, I encourage you to find out your Myers-Briggs personality. For me at least, it provided insight to how I have actually changed in black and white.

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth 

Top Ten List - "Megow Parenting Pearls" ;)

10) It is scientifically proven that 63% of all children believe bread crusts count as vegetables and cannot be consumed under any circumstances. This brown edged monstrosity must be removed before any sandwich can be edible. Don’t fight them on it. They know.

“Dad, you know I’m not eating that crust. 
It looks ‘crusty'. Gross”

-  Actual quote from one of my children

9) When hoping to get a good family photo, have a game plan. Pretty much everyone (except the genius who thought family portraits would be a great idea) is dreading them. Some people schedule fun activities afterwards, others use threats, I actually prefer to bring a surprise prop to get a smile at the perfect time. My last portrait of the kids, I brought along their “fart gun”. Right before I snapped the pictures, I utilized the “power of the fart” smile technique. Works like a charm every time.

Disclaimer: The power of the prop will diminish remarkably; so use wisely.

8) Learn our children’s love languages. It not only helps connect with our kids, but will save a lot of time/resources. When we know how they prefer to receive love, it makes our job extremely easier. Also, it helps tremendously with discipline.

Take Titus for example. For so long I just thought he was just sad when he would go off to play by himself. Learning that his primary love language is Words of Encouragement, helped show me that he does have some introverted traits and is extremely content playing by himself at times. He enjoys his alone time more than I. He truly treasures when people tell him how proud they are of him and why they love him. That was never a thing for me, so I had to learn how to do that more.  Now that I know that’s what he craves, I can see his little eyes light up when I can pour directly into his “love tank”.

Also, I am cautious when it comes to verbally disciplining him. He’s extremely sensitive to harsh words. Not saying that I don’t do it, but I’m just extra mindful and really careful when explain things when he is in trouble.

7) I’ve learned to slow my roll with my kids’ left overs at mealtime. Yeah, that mac and cheese looks good, but trust me those kid food calories add up quick. :) 

Just say no!! hahaha

6) Kids will always make a mess; they (maybe just mine) seem to crave creating them. It’s a good idea to be proactive and have a supervised “good mess” than kid charged “bad mess”.  Go ahead and plan structured “mess time” like some art or some sort of hands on science experiment.

Good Mess Situation

Bad Mess Situation (thanks internet)

However, we have had a similar thing happen :)

5) Phenergan is worth its weight in gold. Seriously, keep that junk STOCKED.

4) Back to farts, babies make the perfect scapegoat. I loved having a little tiny. I could fart anytime/anywhere.

“Don’t look at me. It was the baby.”

3) I’ve learned to not be so rigid with my parenting philosophies. As long as the core things are covered, I allow for shift and flux in certain areas.

Before kids: “ I’m never just going to plop my kids down in front of the TV.”

After kids: “Ok guys, here’s some pop tarts and the remote. You can watch Wild Kratts while I go sit inside the empty bathtub with the door shut and eat my pop tart alone in the dark. Remember the rule, no hitting and your spit is exactly that, ‘your spit’. Please don’t give each other cat baths.”

2) Let’s go back to #9 (Family Photos). If all else fails, don’t be afraid of Photoshop that junk. The world will never know… Unless you tell them on your public blog. :D

The picture I posted on Facebook.

The Truth. :)

It was really a combination of my best two shots of the day. 

So in reality...

+

=

Sneaky Seth.

1) Remember, Fun can be Free!!! Don’t worry about buying all of these fancy things or spending an arm and a leg taking your kids to “fun places”. True that stuff is awesome! However, it’s also important to remember that with a little bit of planning and a few bucks, we can create the fun ourselves! Those little self-planned activities are the best and end up as the sweetest memories :)

 

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Seth

The 5 Headed Hydra or The 5 Love Languages (Part 1)

Tonight, we went grocery shopping. I honestly think four kids aren’t that many nor is a single dad a crazy sight, but I guess the combination is a lot for some people. My kids were legit well behaved tonight. Just laughing, talking about costume ideas, and telling jokes. Stevie –  “Dad. Thanks for going under there.” Me – “Under where?” Stevie – “No thank you dad. I don’t want to see your underwear.” Hahaha

Anyways, tonight I got quite a few tag alongs as I like to call them. People just kinda watching us from around the store or just following us down each isle we walk. Normally, these people are just sweet people who think that us 5 are something fun to look at. But recently, I have noticed somewhat discouraging.  Well, not discouraging per se, just not ideal. When I only have one or two with me, people tend to focus on each child as an individual rather than a massive part of this 5 headed hydra monster walking down about 5 isles looking for pizza ingredients.

Excuse me mam'. Do you know what isle the sliced olives are on?

Just spending time getting to know each individual child (my kids are always ready to talk about their latest bowel movement or how their dad has a hairy “Santa” belly).However most of the time strangers just saying something like “You are brave to take them out alone. I bet you won’t be doing this again.” I just smile, crack some corny joke, and keep walking. Really, I’m not a big fan of those comments. Actually, I had three people tell me some version of that exact statement tonight. I don’t really mind those kinds of statements; mostly I hate my kids being grouped into a burden for their dad in some people’s minds, when in reality the shopping trip is way more fun with them there. Neela spend the entire shopping trip walking up to random strangers and saying “My dad has been talking about you. Do you want to meet him?” hahahaha. It was hilarious. Titus spend the entire Walmart trip telling me how he was going to brew some coffee when he gets home so he can stay up all night and style his hair. I know it sounds intense and out of left field, but I hate hate the idea of my kids awesomeness getting skipped over simply because there are four of them.

Another fun group of 4. Just not with as much personality as my crew ;)

That’s my rationale of parenting styles. I’ve heard about every single parenting tip, strategy, method, etc. there is on the planet.  I know about strict scheduling or just baby/child led scheduling. I’ve heard and read about the one million different forms of communication and structured time. I know the arguments for and against positive reinforcement parenting. Believe it or not, every though I’m a dad, I kind of get some of this stuff. All men are not that dumb. However for the most part, we are all at least a little dumb J But back to parenting styles, I say whatever works for you, just do it. If you want to read 17 books on co-sleeping vs their own bed, go for it.

Pretty much the only book I recommend to new parents

I think all of that stuff has to change overtime as families mature and age. There’s no one size fits all. So that’s why I am pretty confident in my parenting style. It’s the Megow method and I’m pretty sure as heck it won’t work for anyone else but us.

I’m well aware that my kids don’t dress the cutest, are somewhat weird, and have strange little socially unacceptable quirks specific to the Megows. That’s cool with me. I really just have one job. To love them and make sure they love others. It’s hard to do that individually since my schedule is so tight, so I sacrifice some things in order to make it work. Should I scrub my much needed to be cleaned bathroom or sit and color a picture with Olive, duh “make brownies and then color a picture with Olive”. Hahaha. I guess what I’m trying to say it I think my parenting style is just finding out my kids love language(s) and just piling on the love all over them as much as I can. There’s a difference between spoiling a kid and loving a kid. I firmly believe you can never love a kid too much. Like I said, I hardly have any free time or nor extra money, so I like to make a calculated effort on how to maximize time spend with my kids. I do that by really diving into their little worlds and figuring out what REALLY matters to them.

The love languages are “Kind Words, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch”. I’ve always known about these and enjoyed pinpointing peoples and trying to pour directly into their specific way of showing and receiving love. However, when my life kind of flipped upside down a few years back, I realized that chilling fact that I’m about all my kids have on a day to day basis. So I really paid close attention to their little quirks to figure out what theirs were.

Stevie - 1) Quality Time and 2) Physical Touch

There’s nothing in the entire world Stevie loves more than having “alone time” with Dad. I can’t lie; I adore how much she adores me. I know it won’t last forever, so I really try to soak it up while I can. Every. Single. Night. Stevie finds me and whispers that she wants to have alone time in my bed. So we both sneak off and just talk. She tells me little things and secrets. She tells me every day that she’s going to marry me when she grows up. Of course, I say “I would love that”. Stevie is secretly turning me into a big softie.

Some people might demonstrate their love in a different way they choose to receive, but Stevie’s pretty straight forward about that stuff. She loves to lay down face to face with and stroke my beard. I promise that girl would sit and do that all night. Hahaha. 

I’m pretty confident of this because she’s drawn to people who are sweet and calm. There are not many places she will spend the night away from dad, but the one place she agrees to every time is “Aunt April’s”. I think it’s because they have similar love languages. April is very calm and warm. Stevie loves to just sit with her and color or talk. I love that she has found an older woman she feels comfortable around again.

Stevie and Aunt April

I’ve been extremely protective of who I let her be around when it comes to adults. I’ve said it before, but she took mom leaving the hardest I think. Some of the other kids still felt some love through their love languages, but Stevie really requires one on one time and close personal contact. When she was robbed of that quality time, her little brain got pretty mixed up on the concept of a mom.  I think that’s why I’m so so intense about giving it to her. Honestly, screw the laundry. It will get done eventually. Playing with my baby’s hair while she lays on my chest is much more important that a pile of clothes.

Neela - 1) Acts of Service 2) Physical Touch

Neela’s a bit of a gambit of the love languages. Partly because Neela “can” be a little introverted at times. I know it sounds weird since she’s always talking to people and cracking jokes. But the more I sat and observed her behavior; she gets really energized sitting by herself outside and being around nature and animals. I think I can spot Neela’s act of service as of late pretty clearly. I can pretty much guarantee that if I’m having a bad day and am acting sad, the kids pick up on it quick and all do their little things they know will cheer me up. Neela is such a little do’er. The other day I was just sitting at the laptop working and feeling super overwhelmed. All of the kids were just playing with toys and running around the house while I worked. About an hour into my work Neela comes in and takes my hand and walks me around all the rooms she had just cleaned. She walked me around to the “clean” bathrooms (she cleaned the mirrors with baby wipes and the floor with glass cleaner, hahah) and to the dining room that she decorated with rocks from our ditch. Every time I think of Neela Grace (after I cycle through her bullfrogs and love of random, huge dangerous animals), I always think of all the times she has surprised me with doing something she sees me doing time after time. She’s currently the only one that has taught herself to fold laundry, use the steam mop, and sweep into the dustpan. Geez, I can’t even talk about how many times I was about to lose it or give up for the day, when Neela just surprised me with something so sweet, I just broke down crying. That’s the kindness I get scared people will overlook with they just see a big group of little Megow kids. Just pure love.

However, Neela is also a big cuddle bug. Hahaha. I might actually change this one if I could… I’m kidding, but this kid is like me. She’s a little sweatbox and loves to sleep with, on, or under me. At night, she’s pretty much like that little guy from  Total Recall under that dudes shirt. Hahaha. Like a growth off of my body. She sweats so much on me, I kinda have to peel her off my leg or back every morning. 

Neela, time to wake up.

I complain, but I truthfully love it. She loves having her back rubbed and holding hands when we walk as a family. If you ever watch our family walking into a store or just around town, I can pretty much guarantee she’ll be the only one not running ahead. My Neela will be right beside me holding my hand.

I’ll cover a little more about my parenting style and Titus and Olive’s love languages in the next post J

Be blessed

Seth

Who is...Titus?

 

Well, it’s time to talk about talk about my best buddy. Titus Robert Megow is an energetic, caring, thoughtful, and focused little boy. He’s pretty much into “boy things” which I love because I was the same way. Also, he has a big imagination which makes him really easy to play with and be entertained. For being such a “whack dad in his jewels with his power ranger sword” type of boy, he is surprisingly sweet and sensitive.  He loves to compliment people and seeing them smile. I promise if you are around him for more than a few hours, he will look at you in the eyes and say something like “I like your hair. It’s pretty” or “You have cool shoes. I bet you can run really fast.” He enjoys showering people with compliments, so it very easy to see what his love language is. Every night, he loves to sit in my lap and tell him that I’m proud of him. He’ll  always ask “Why?” with a big smile. I don’t really view it as fishing for compliments, he just really loves hearing his dad say that I notice all the little kind and helpful things he does and remember them enough to say I’m proud of him for doing them.

We went to a monster truck show. 

So we dressed to blend in ;)

We like to dress up together.

This was when we went to go see Ninja Turtles in the theater.

He didn't watch the movie. Mostly he ran up and down the isles swinging his nun-chunks

One thing about Titus is this kid is already kind of girl crazy. It started at an extremely early age with him. When he was like 2 years old, I remember he would cry if the nurse wasn’t pretty or a man came in at the doctor’s office. On his first day of school this year I asked him if he’s excited about school. The only thing he said was, “The only thing I care about is that my teacher is pretty.” J We walked in and looked at his teacher and whispered in my ear “Whew. She’s pretty.” He has a big crush on one of the girls in his class. He has known her for a few years and is constantly talking about her. Last week him and I were talking and he said he wanted to do something for this little girl. I asked why, and he responded with “Dad, have you SEEN this girl?” Hahaha.

Another fun fact about Titus is that this kid has a major sweet tooth and I promise he has a sixth sense for finding sugar.Titus can sniff out sugar anywhere you hide it. We are working on always asking before you eat sweets, but for awhile when he was younger, he was a candy junky. This a true story. One time when the kids were asleep I had some candy for a friends birthday party and I hid it on top of the washing machine under a pile of clothes. So I finished up a few things and went to bed. I woke up at 6am to find him under his bed eating the candy. So let’s retrace this, he woke up and searched the house top to bottom. It was then I figured out Titus had a routine of waking up from like 3-4am to start his nightly search for hidden candy. Apparently, since he looked in the laundry room under a pile of clothes, his nightly quest was pretty detailed. Here’s another funny picture. I walked in to wake up him one time and this is how I found him, dead asleep with the carton of chocolate ice cream melted in his bed. I do think I have firm rules and set consequences, but sometimes I really can’t help but laugh. :D

He was sleeping with that big giant smile. 
It was really hard to be mad when I walked in to see that.

One funny little story about Titus is I really liked when he was learning to go pee pee standing up instead of sitting down (he was probably about 2 ½ or 3 years old).  In order to show him how to really do it without creating a urine river by the toilet, I would stand beside him and we could both pee together. The first time and every.single.other.time. we practiced pee peeing standing up, he scream at the top of his lungs “DADDY! Your Pee Pee is SO SO BIG!” Needless to say, I really thought it was hilarious when taking him to public restrooms. Every time we would be in the stall, he would be shouting at the top of his lungs about how big my pee pee was. We would walk out of the stall and I would look at all the other men in the bathroom waiting to go in and look at them with this look, “that’s right, you heard him. I’m the man”  

He is also pretty blunt. He is very kind and nice and really likes mostly everyone. However, if he’s in a funk or having a bad day just let him be. Clearly the school portrait photographer didn’t get the memo.

"Dude, I'm not the mood for your crap. Just take the picture."

Titus is also very outgoing. Whenever we are anywhere, he is constantly throwing out his arm with a big wave and saying the happiest “Hey. How are you?” Every time, I lean down and ask him where he knows them from and each time he replies “I don’t. I just wanted to say ‘hi’”. Titus is quick to make friends and loves to give away his toys and things to his friends. I love this about my kids. Titus really and genuinely wants to be a person that makes me happy. That makes him happy. When he is happy, he gets so giddy and silly. I absolutely love it. Speaking of making people happy, at least twice I week, he sneaks off by himself and writes little letters or colors a picture and sticks it in an envelope (I give him the junk mail envelopes) and sticks it in the mailbox. He runs up to me with that little smirk and always says, “Daaaadddyyyy, I think you need to check the mail.” Of course, we run out and he’s just dying laughing from excitement and we open it together. It’s our little thing and I love it. J

#lettersfromtitus

For being a boy with three sisters, he handles his sisters quite well. He is kind and thoughtful. He is learning that we open the doors for girls and always let girls go first. I really enjoy teaching him little things that I think are important, especially on how to treat women. I think he’s an excellent brother and will make such a Godly and wonderful husband. HOWEVER, that’s not to say they don’t fight. His big sisters are still at the age where they beat him up, so he typically resorts to some sort of revenge. I know it sounds weird, but his little revenge tactics are kind of genius. I mean, they are really bad, and he gets in big trouble, but he thinks of my most random stuff. One time, Neela and Titus were arguing, so Neela ran into his room and threw one of his toys (of course it broke). Titus was fuming mad. I was expecting world war 3; however, he just walked off to the back of the house. To myself I was thinking, “Ok. I am going to have a sit down with him, but first I have to Neela and address what she just did.” After about 2 minutes, I hear him busting out laughing in the back of the house. Not like chuckling, but full fledge LAUGHING. So I stop talking to Neela for a minute and walk to the back of the house… I found that Titus has stacked up all of Neela’s VHS movies on the floor of her room and is currently peeing on them. Of course, I had to run out of the room because I was about to bust out laughing and he really needed to know that it was bad. So when I finally caught my composure, I finished talking to Neela and then sat Titus in his bed and tried to hold back laughing when I said “Titus, did it make Jesus happy or sad when you peed on your sister’s movies?” 

He is really so so funny to me.

But yeah, Titus is my little buddy. I love spending time with him. He is so fun to be around and I love seeing how much he loves to make sure everyone is happy around him (even if he claims that “Everyday I forgot…”

-Seth