10) I can skip the bathtub and start just throwing soap on the kids in the kiddie pool. This year, I'm going try mixing in some No Tears Shampoo/Body Wash in some water balloons and just setting a big bucket in the backyard. I'm gonna call them "clean bombs".
9) Spring means time for me to bust out my cut-offs. Also, it's a terrifying reminder of my growing gut. So that's some motivation to lay off the root beer floats and pork rinds.
Sorry ladies. Say goodbye to this dad bod this spring ;)
Support Groups are available if needed.
8) I'm no longer the scourge of the neighborhood since I finally remove the Christmas decorations off my porch.
7) It's the perfect time to go digging 'round for some bugs and critters :)
"I found a millipede. I'm going to name his Charles."
6) Tax return season. I have four kids. You do the math. #whowantstogoforicecream #noshameinmygame
5) There's no need for flashlights at night since my skin still has it's neon white glow from winter.
"Howdy."
4) Spring means wildflowers. My kids are always picking people wildflowers, and truthfully it's one of my favorite things in the world.
3) Aprils Fool's Day!! Forget Christmas or New Year's. Megows get straight up crunk on A.F.D. Just FYI, no one is safe... ;)
2) Spring Break. Not for fancy vacations or spring cleaning. Mostly, I'm just ultra excited that I don't have to get four kids up, fed, dressed, and ready for school for an entire week. That also means I don't have to worry about tardies for five sweet, perfect days.
1) Finally, it's still cool enough in the evenings to light up our firepit (And speaking of tardies, this is the perfect way to dispose of the school's notifications letters about my kids excessive number of tardies which consequently start arriving around this time of year)
“Look how weird I drew this dragon. Will you hang it up?” –
Stevie
“I like being called weird.” – Neela
“This food tastes weird. That means I like it.” – Titus
“Daddy, you got a weird neck. I love to squish it. It's my favorite.” – Olive
Being weird gets a bad rap in our society. While I don’t
view it as derogatory for people to try to be normal, I just think everyone has
some stuff about them that’s 100% unique. It’s so sad when people choose not to
embrace it. In the Megow house, being “weird” is viewed as something we each
strive to achieve. Not to just be weird for weird’s sake, but for each of us to
be 100% ourselves. As a parent and a former “weird kid”, it’s so interesting
seeing and nurturing my kids’ own individualism. Mostly, I just want to foster
a safe place in our home for my kids to be completely themselves. I think one
of my main goals is to really, highlight and compliment little things that are
uniquely them.
I’m a big believer in the concept of nature vs nuture. Some
skills and attributes can be learned or taught; however others are just kinda
engrained in our DNA. I like to think every family tree has their own special
mini superpower. Whether it is athleticism, organizational skills, musical
talent, charm, drive for success, or any multitude of various intelligences, I
believe everyone is born with something that just runs in their gene pool. The
other day I randomly realized what the Megow family engrained mini superpower
was. We are almost all impervious to peer pressure. I’m dead serious. Megows
just kind of do whatever the heck they want and really don’t pay much mind to
fitting any sort of social mold. If you know my family, I believe you will
immediately recognize this. My parents are completely themselves. As I lovingly explained earlier, they are
pretty weird. Tom and Denise just do their own things. My dad wore wooden clog
shoes as a nurse anesthetist in the hospital for decades without really caring
whatever anyone would think. Just because he liked them. Then transitioned careers to start a local food
bank. That career move was a significant decrease in pay. I’m sure he could
have measured his career by his peers or people that voiced their strong
opposition to his decision. But he just did what he felt led to do. And well my mom… I have literally never met a
person who is so hard to explain with words as Denise Megow. I talk about her
(or do my impression of her… which she loves. hahaha) quite frequently with my
friends. I love trying to explain her larger than life personality mixed with a
quirky artistic flair and a gentleness that can be reserved at times, but it
still very evident when it needs to be. She could not care less about whatever
you think about her. She is not influenced by your opinion or thoughts on her
decision. I freaking love that about both of my parents. They embrace their weirdness.
Tom: "Hey Honey. What should we do for this year’s Christmas
Card photo?”
Denise: “I have a good idea. Let’s all go in the goat yard
and just kinda see what unfolds on film.”
Megow Holiday Picture Circa 1996
So moving on from parents to me and my crew, I absolutely
love the idea of my kids not giving a rip about what other people think. True;
there are social norms, common courtesy, and a moral code to uphold, but I’m
talking about them just being themselves. If they choose to be interested,
dress, act, more mainstream, I’m completely cool with that as well. Mostly, I
just want them to be the truest version of themselves. I kinda view it like
dancing in public. How many of us dance around the house or in the car
listening to music? But when the same song comes on at a wedding reception or social
event, we just stand there and stare at the one “weird person” cutting a rug on
the dance floor. My goal is for my kids to always be that “weird person”. Just
completely void of peer pressure to live life the way they want.
Seth. Keepin' it classy.
Now, I’m not saying weird people are the best (but we
secretly are right? *wink*) I just wanted to express how much I love when
people are truly themselves whatever that may look like. My kids love to wear their
clothes on backwards and inside out. They think it’s so fashionable. Do I let
them go everywhere like that? No. But when
we go to the park or go out to eat, I let my kids wear whatever the heck they
want. When we go to the park, if they want to crawl around on all fours like
baby cats and pretend to hawk up hairballs by the swings then I say, freaking
go for it. Why not?
I don’t know if it’s my complete lack of influence to peer
pressure or if it’s a single dad thing, but I’ve kinda just given on up making my clan fit into a mold of society. Of course, I train them that
there are times to conform a little (don’t give your friends cat baths at school
or you can’t wear inside-out bathing suit trucks with a tuxedo shirt to church,
etc.) However for the most part, if my kids want to do, eat, wear, or act a
certain way that’s not inappropriate or disrupting I’m pretty cool with it. I
view my responsibility as a parent to be a role model for kindness, love, hard
work, integrity, and encouragement. Like I said earlier I still teach them
social norms, right & wrong, and appropriate behavior, but besides that I
love my kids being themselves, in whatever way that might look.
Seth:"Ok guys. No school today, so you get to come to work with dad,
and you can wear whatever you want."
Kids:
Who knows if my kids will decide
to go full weird? Maybe they will choose to be like their dad and decide to
wear only polyester disco shirts their entire eighth grade year of school. Or
maybe not. Mostly, I just want them to comfortable expressing however they choose to be. And one day when
they do get called “weird” to be able to confidently look at the person, smile,
and say “Thanks. You’ve made my day.” And they just continue on their way…
First things first. I love the diversity in this little “iPad
in the dishwasher” readership community.
My goal was to create something that would appeal to an extremely
broad spectrum of people. Whether it be: gender, age, socioeconomic status,
parent or non-parent, single or married, etc., I love the variety of people
that enjoy sharing the experience of life together with the Megows. Another
thing that I feel I’m truly blessed with, is a pretty diverse audience when it
comes to spiritual or non-spiritual beliefs. I don’t take this as a platform to
be preachy nor sway anyone’s opinion by whatever I write. To be fair about 87%
of all of this is probably fart jokes and embarrassing dad stories, so I’m not sure
how that would relate in that area anyways. While I have my own beliefs and
think it’s important for others to have theirs, I’m neither pretty positive
that most people simply dislike debating, nor do they enjoy have people try to
convince me of anything with “facts”. Most of these conversations end up with
people becoming more entrenched in their own ideas and sometimes leave a bitter
taste in our mind of the other person or their point of view. So all of that being said, I want to discuss
God and Parenting. Hopefully, that won’t turn anyone off to reading this post,
but if it does, I promise the next post will be back to the normal nonsense. :)
I rarely talk about my faith in depth on the blog. Not that
it’s not important; to me it’s the most important aspect of my life. Like I said
earlier, that’s just not my style. To be honest, I'm not one to initially engage people much on
the topic of my spiritual beliefs. Again, that’s just the way I’m wired. I
prefer to just live the closest I can to Jesus. My goal is to life in such a
way that there’s something refreshing and peaceful amidst this background of
the chaos of the world. I truly believe that draws people. (Not that there’s
anything wrong with anyone just bluntly bringing up their spiritual beliefs
with anyone. In fact, I think that’s great. It’s just not the way I do it. We are all wired differently. Isn't that so neat!!) I
love the idea that my life is so radically changed from once was. I love that
God made me an encourager. I love the God gave me the gift of joy. I just love
the way God wired and continues to wire me. I just love God. I want that love
to be curious to anyone who wants to know more. I’ve talked to quite a few
people about what I believe once they have asked me about my life. I love to share because it’s shockingly simple. I
think that’s also how I incorporate loving God into being a parent.
I think my biggest fear is that my children might see me as
a hypocrite. I know that’s pretty blunt, but it’s the truth. I couldn’t imagine
a worse scenario for my children’s and my relationship. “Well, dad says this,
but dad does this. Dad says God wants us to live this way, but dad doesn’t live
like that.” That’s utterly terrifying to me as a parent. They soak up
EVERYTHING. My kids can still recall the time I yelled at them 3 years ago for
letting the bath water fill the bathroom. The good and the bad, they just soak it up. So
first of all, I make sure that whatever I teach them, I’m actually doing in my
own life or else it’s not only going to not be effective, but probably lead to
some trust issues and confusion later down the road.
Also, children are so wonderfully inquisitive. My kids love
to hear Bible stories or ask questions about heaven, right vs wrong, church,
etc. At that young of an age, they just have the ability to sense peace &
love and are drawn to that. I love to talk about God with them. I love to talk
about why I love Jesus with them. They are quick to ask questions and are
already forming their own individual opinions that are probably different than
mine. I just think that’s great. I don’t want my kids to just have a copy &
paste theology of whatever I believe. I want them to have their own unique God
encounters. I can show them building blocks of believing and living like Jesus,
but I want them to be passionate about finding out more. In my opinion, if I
try to give my kids the full definition and describe the full personality of
God that would be doing them a disservice. I think that’s one thing I really
appreciate about the way my parents raised me. They gave us basic building
blocks, but pretty much encouraged us to get to know Him personally.
Next point. Children have so much faith and willingness to
believe their parents. I teach my kids about God, and they want to learn.
However, while I believe the faith of a child is probably the most beautiful
thing ever, there is such a complexity and just awe about God at the same time.
At times it can be just a lot to take in for a little kid. In Sunday school
they memorize verses, at dinner we read devotionals; at VBS they do Christian
crafts. All of these things teach them about God. Please don’t misunderstand me.
I love all of those things. I just don’t want my kids to be drowned in a sea of
cute crafts and bible verse memorization games, that they miss real world
application. This is my job as a parent. I’m nowhere close to perfect. My kids
see my screw up daily. However, I want them to also see me forgive daily. I
want them to see me go out of my way to help someone just because. I want them
to see dad return cruelty with kindness. I can’t think of a better way to
instill a solid foundation of kindness and love. Pretty much, I want them to
see me love people because I love God. Then, I want to bring them in, and let
them see how incredible it feels to serve others. That’s basically my entire
goal. And yes. Wow. That’s such a responsibility.
How many people do you know get turned off from their parents’ beliefs because
of the behavior of their parents? So yes, I teach my kids. But I want them
experience to actually experience serving God and serving others. I want to
show them the best way I know how to live a self-less life.
The funny thing is that I believe that my kids are so much
cooler than me. I am already seeing them love people so much more intentionally
and personally than I could ever imagine. They make it a point to either hug or
compliment someone literally everywhere we go. I guarantee they will pinpoint
at least one person and shower them with love. Tonight we went to the grocery
store and while we were checking out, Stevie peeked over the counter and said to
the cashier “I love your name. It’s so pretty, just like your face. Can I give
you a hug?” Duh. My heart melted. Speaking of heart melting, this is probably
my favorite Megow activity. I’ve never shared it before, but I think now’s a
fun time to share. About a year or two ago, we randomly bought a cashier a candy
bar when we were checking out. It just made her day. Her face literally lit up
with joy. Now almost EVERY time we check out, I let the kids take turns asking
the cashier what his/her favorite candy bar is, finding that candy bar amongst
the selection near the register, sneaking it into the back of our groceries,
and finally after we pay they exclaim with a huge smile “That candy is for you!”
I’ve seen cashiers cry before from these little sweet kids picking them out
candy and buying it for them. I mean, of course, I’m the one paying. But I’ve
just seen this amazing development in their hearts and mind at the checkout.
They have shifted from asking for candy for themselves to guessing the cashier’s
favorite candy. That’s something I never would have done as a child. They are
just so amazing, and I love it so much.
Now I say all of this to say I am far from the perfect example
of Godly parenting. I’m still selfish, grumpy, and yell enough to convince
myself of that. My kids and I are still learning all of this each day. I wanted
to write this post, mostly just to talk about how neat and fulfilling it is to
be able to experience all of this as a family. To see my kids grow and flourish
in ways I couldn’t even plan or comprehend yesterday. It’s just a gift that we
get to experience with each new day. :D
1) If Neela and Olive didn't look like twins already, they recently insisted on getting the exact same hair cut.
These two...
2) Earlier this week Titus wanted to have a "private talk" with just me. So we went in my room and shut the door. This is the conversation that followed...
Titus - "Dad. Sometimes I have a hard time at school."
Seth - "Oh no, why buddy?
Titus - "Well... Too many girls have crushes on me, and I don't even know what to do because I only like one girl not all of them."
Seth*laughing* - "I'm sure it's because you are so nice and so handsome."
Titus*deeply sighing and looking down* - "I don't like when I'm not nice. And it's hard not to be handsome."
He's just too much of a catch ;)
3) Chex Mix is officially Stevie's favorite snack in the world. However, she normally just picks around everything else to eat the little brown rye chips. Well last night in the grocery store she discovered they sell bags full of just the rye chips.
In her own words - "This is want to eat everyday until I die."
4) For Christmas, Neela told me she was going to find me a wife. She literally asks every. single. woman. we encounter if they want to "marry her dad". To her surprise a few strangers have jokingly said yes, before I apologize profusely and awkwardly shuffle my little crew away. However lately she pointed out that the number of "yes's" have dropped dramatically. Her reasoning behind this is - "Dad. You are getting fat. Being fat is only good for Santa Claus and Sumo Wrestlers. You need to move to China or the North Pole, or you need to come with me to P.E. at my school."
5) This picture of Titus "acting like a fish" at a friend's birthday party will never not be funny.
6) This is what I find in my camera roll after the kids run up and tell me "Dad. We need your phone. It's an emergency."
Yup. You know the Megow kids are 4 of the probably 79 people worldwide that still play Pokemon Go.
7) After much help and suggestions with my proposed Valentine's Day pick up lines on my Blog Instagram, I finally settled on the winner.
That wrapping paper looks tastier than the candy that was inside ;)
8) On the way home today, my youngest and I had this conversation in the car-
Olive - "Daddy for dinner I want lots of bacon, macaroni and cheese, a banana, muffins with sprinkles, some turkey, and a glass of chocolate milk."
Seth - "Olive, I think that's too much food and it's not healthy."
Olive - "Well, girls like to eat unhealthy food. And we like to eat a lot of it."'
I'm pretty sure #tacotuesday will be the first hashtag Olive ever types. :D
9) Stevie is our resident photographer. Her favorite hobby is to continue taking pictures once she has the initial shot. Everytime I get my phone back from her, this is what my camera roll looks like. :D hahaha
10) Back again to the "private talk" Titus and I had. This was the second half of the conversation -
Titus - "Dad, I'm excited about growing up."
Seth - "That's good. Why are you excited?"
Titus - "Because when I grow up, I'm going to be a daddy. I think that will be the funnest job ever."
Seth - "It is! I'm so excited that you want to be a daddy just like me."
Titus - "Well... not just like you. I only want two kids, because having four kids is crazy."
So Olive's 5th birthday was last Saturday. Her party I think had my favorite activity that we've ever done for a Megow party, so I wanted to share :) I got the idea a few months ago at work. I was just sitting at my desk working and I started to think back to when I was a kid. Back then, if you didn't feel good, you got to stay home and watch Price is Right. Then I started thinking about Price is Right and my favorite game. It was called "Punch A Bunch". Basically, the player got to punch a few little mystery containers and win whatever was inside.
The best Price is Right game ever!!!
Then suddenly I thought that would be the neatest birthday party game. Pinatas and other party games had become stale, so this would be perfect :D
I looked online for ideas and found a few that were cool, but nothing that allowed me what I envisioned in my head. Most of the one's online required way too much work and tools (hot glue guns, elmer's glue, staples, double sided tape, etc.). Really they were just too "cutesy" and not really as fun/functional as I had hoped. Most of these little pintrest tutorials seemed like they would take forever and only result in about 10-15 prize punches. I wanted kids at the party to have multiple attempts to punch for a prize. So I took a few different elements I saw online and some of my own ideas and mapped out a plan. Then I started it about 9pm the night before. (So yes, this is all very doable by one person the night before the party. Just be prepared to stay up a little bit. hahaha)
I don't really like to spend a ton of money of things if I can help it. I'm really big on maximizing a budget. It not only saves me money, but makes things a bit more of a challenge and gets my thinking outside the box. So just remember that when reading this.
So let's get started on this. hahaha (finally right.. :D )
1) Gather Supplies:
- Three of those tri-fold scientific poster boards we used in middle school
- Solo cups
- Prizes/candy to go in each cup
- Tissue Paper
- Little Rubber bands
- Razor Knife
- Duct Tape
- One cup slightly smaller than the Solo Cups
- Gift bags to hold the kids' prizes
2) Remember I wanted to have a TON of punch prize holes for the kids, so first thing I did was to map out where I wanted all of my holes to go. I took one of the poster boards and made a little template of how I wanted the cups to organized.
18 per board x 3 boards = 54 punch prizes :D
3) So once I figured out how I wanted them to look, I started making my outlines to cut. This is when I used the smaller cup. I just found one where the lid was slighter smaller than the lids of the Solo cups. Basically, I wanted the hole that I was going to be cutting out to be slighter smaller than the rim of the solo cup.
4) Once I found the cup, I started tracing outlines of the small cup in the pattern that I laid out before.
5) Then I cut those traces out with my razor knife.
Helpful hint:
So to save time on cutting the other two boards.
I just overlaid my completed first one and used it as a template for cutting the holes.
That was the most time consuming part.
Honestly, I probably didn't have to do that many holes, but I'm glad I did.
Every kid got to punch a prize quite a few times,
and still wanted to do it again after they had all been punched.
6) Once all of my holes were cut. I just duct taped all of the poster boards together to make one big board.
7) Now the fun part. Filling the cups with prizes and candy. So I set out 54 solo cups (since I had that many holes) and started to fill them up. I did half of the cups with candy and the other half prizes. For the candy, I went and bought the 70% off valentine's day candy. So in total that cost me like $3 for all of it. For the prizes, I went to the dollar store to buy a few cheap packs of party prizes (slinkys, bouncy balls, stickers, etc) but I also filled some with weird stuff (like dog treats, ramen noodles, an unused bandaid, etc.). So I filled up all of the cups and then sealed the top of them with a piece of tissue paper and a small rubber band.
This is what they looked like.
8) For the last step, I stuck the cups through the front side of the board. So when kids punched them they would stay put (for the most part, hahaha)
8) *Optional* I really could have been done. My plan was to just put the cups in, put some stickers on the fronts of the board, and be done. However, the plain white poster board fronts seemed so boring, so I scoured the house and found a bunch of random paints. So I Jackson Pollocked the boards and let it dry over night. The next morning I was pretty pleased with the results
9) *Optional* Then after I put all of the cups in, I thought it would be better if it were lifted off of the floor a little bit, so I mounted it on wood blocks and covered them with left over tissue paper. Then right before the kids lined up to start, I passed out little gift bags I found just sitting in my pantry from I think Neela's 3rd birthday party. hahaha
So I was kinda nervous to see how the kids at the party would react. I've found that sometimes if I put alot of planning into something and am REALLY pumped about it, it doesn't mean they will be... hahahaha. But in the end, they all really enjoyed it.
Overall, it was a super fun, simple party. Also, to make the party even more fun, my mom made something called a "pinata cake". Which was super cool. Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just show you the video of what it was. Olive loved it. :)
What was your favorite part of being four years old?
Olive- “Titus’s birthday party. I ate 3 pieces of cake, drank sprite 2 times, and ate goldfish. That was my favorite day when I was four because I got the most food.”
What was the worst part about being four?
Olive- “When we went hiking in the mountains. I hate hiking. I hate nature and waterfalls. Stevie, Neela, and Titus like those things, but I don’t. I only like eating snacks all the time and being inside.”
What will you be good at when you turn 5?
Olive- "Helping Titus find sharks."
What are you the most excited about turning 5 years old?
Olive- “When people give me money. And pineapples.”
You keep talking about getting a “big girl haircut” lately. What do you want it to look like?
Olive- “I want to have a cow head.”
What does a cow head haircut look like?
Olive- “Smooth and spotty.”
What are three goals you have when you are a “big girl”?
Olive- “Get so much power. Carrying three cups. Getting my belly big. And help daddy wash dishes”
If you got $100 for your birthday, what would you buy?
Olive- “Paw Patrol Toys, A Hatchimal, Chubby Puppies, 2 Troll Bags, A Real Life Princess Necklace, and a Pixie Stick”
What’s something you can do when you turn 5, that you couldn’t do when you were four?
Olive- “Whisper very quietly, be around real lava, and draw a cat... not a dead cat, an alive cat.”
How much bigger will you be when you are a “big kid”?
Olive- “I will be very ‘scrong’. My muscles will be so big tomorrow. I will have the biggest muscles in my class except for Baker. He is still the ‘scrongest’.
Wow, I forgot that you will be super strong when you turn 5. What will you be able to do when you are that strong?
Olive- “I can pour my own Kool-Aid all by myself… but you can still help me a little. But only like nine times. I will be very scrong when I am 5.”
If your friend is turning 4 years old, what would you tell her to help her be really good at being 4 years old?
Olive- “When daddy says to clean your room, always try ‘weally weally’ hard to make your bed. Sometimes you can’t do it. But when you are a big kid you can do it… and brush your teeth or your breath will smell like a pineapple fart."
Be Blessed and Be a Blessing & HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY TO OLLIE!!
I believe I’ve discussed this before; however, I wanted to talk about it a little deeper. In my opinion loneliness is the hardest part of single parenting. Raising children by oneself is so unnatural. From time to time, I get messages from people who read the blog (which I love btw). Most of these messages center around the topics of divorce and/or single parenting. One thing I have noticed in all of these conversations is they normally bring up the topic of loneliness. Also within my own life this is evident. I feel lonely quite a bit. Unfortunately there’s not a one stop fix-all to cure the pain which is accompanied with the lack of true heart-to-heart, soul sharing, human interaction. There are so many options to battle it. But without waiting on God’s timing and choice, it’s just going to be something that keeps occurring over and over.
Personally, I believe one of the biggest single parents can make is to jump into a serious relationship too quickly. I mean it’s probably one of the most common mistakes as well. It’s extremely easy to see why… All of the kids are finally passed out. It’s just me. I can either focus on all of the housework I have to do by myself, pay bills that I must take care of by myself, relax on the couch by myself, or go to sleep by myself. The quietness of the house can cause my mind to wander off to those lonely places. “Will I be alone forever?” or my personal favorite “I just need to find someone. I’m not getting any younger.” It’s not only the help or companionship that I miss. It’s the excitement and fulfillment of doing life with someone brings. I want to be able to watch a tv show and look over to see if my girl is laughing at the same parts. Or sneaking off to bed together to eat brownies and make out. Hahaha.
Another huge reason single parents feel loneliness is that we give and give to our children (like all parents). Solo parenting is missing the proper channels for us to be filled up before we give ourselves to our kids. Here’s why I think that.
My view of the order of importance in a healthy family setup is:
1) Both parents individually focusing on God 2) Both parents focusing on their significant other 3) Both parents focusing on their children 4) Both parents focusing on themselves last
I just believe this is the way God set up families to structure and function. First, we have to be tight with God. It’s just the most important part. He shapes, molds, directs, encourages, and too much else to list. Second, the parents need to focus on each other. They need to make sure they are both full of love and value in the relationship. Being a parent is constantly a selfless act. Like I said, we just give and give. It’s why filling your significant other is so vital. It’s extremely difficult to give something you don’t have. Finally, we focus on ourselves last. If the system is in place, everything should fall into place at this step. God fills our spirits with life and love and our significant other fills our soul and emotion with love and affection. By now, we are busting at the seams with love, hope, joy, encouragement, etc. to give our children. If we are ever feeling drained, God and our spouse are there to pick us back up again. That’s why I believe we rush into relationships. Having someone there to pour into us is how God designed parenting. The mistake is putting things into our own timing instead of having patience… Ahhh yes, my favorite word (note the sarcasm :D ).
Patience. Just the word can send shivers down my spine. While I sit alone with my thoughts and empty space next to me on the couch, I can’t think of a word that exhausts me more. Sometimes I like to have conversations with my Papa upstairs. “I mean cmon man. Sure, I’m lonely but don’t you want to bless some lucky lady by letting them rub this stomach hair at night. I'm saying this for their sake. Seriously, God. Don't you want to bless some woman with all of this epic manliness?!?” Hahaha. But for real, most would think by now I would have mastered the art of patience. I waited every night for 3-4 years for my ex wife to come back home. That never happened, but I was patient. Now it’s been a solo parenting quest for a few years. I’ve been patiently waiting for the right person to come along. I mean after a while don’t we get a certificate or something? Haven’t I earned the right to be a little impatient? However, that’s why it’s so important I keep God #1. I know I’ve been single for years, but even if I started a relationship right now that wasn’t at the right time, I would still be rushing into it.
To be honest, I have my good nights and bad nights. Tonight is a good night. I don’t feel lonely at all. My love tank feels full and ready to love my little crew with 100% of myself. Tomorrow night might be different. I might honestly believe that I don’t have one more ounce of myself to give to these four little people that are depending on me. I might miss someone that I’m valuable, enjoyable, and attractive. But no matter what tonight or tomorrow night feels like, there are two single parenting truths that I’ve come to recognize with I’m feeling lonely.
1) God freaking loves the crap out of me. He made me Seth, and He loves the way He made me.
2) My kids need me.
I’ve found when I put too many feelings in the wrong potential relationship, I begin to place my self-worth in the opinion of that person. Sure, a significant other can fill our soul with love, but my worth comes only from God. He has an amazing plan for me because He loves me too much to give me anything other than something miraculously spectacular. I need to constantly remind myself this because my kids need me. They need me to be fully vested in them. Pardon my French but to quote my dad, “I don’t need to be half assing it”. When too much of myself is given to the wrong person or relationship, I take away from them. Not only that, but I risk becoming upset and depressed. My kids deserve a joyful daddy.
So in conclusion, in my opinion there’s not a 100% easy solution for that single parent loneliness. Mostly, I just want to encourage everyone to not sell themselves short to combat that feeling. Let’s be patient and hold onto our hearts until we feel God’s peace to give it away. Let’s stay rested and keep our self-image positive. That way we can give our kids the best of us. And worst case scenario if anyone is feeling extra lonely one night, reach out to a friend. Allow them to speak life to you. We all are so valuable and important. :)
I’ve mentioned this a few times before in previous posts,
but I have never really discussed it deeply before. So for this post, I want to talk about
staying positive. The word “positive” to me is surrounded with so many negative
connotations. At times in our current society,
positivity is portrayed as annoying and simply overbearing. I think we all know
the person I’m talking about. The person in the office who arrives to work like
this…
So excited that today
is the day we work late!
I’m just plum excited to spend more time with you
guys!!
I think the reason that this kind of image sometimes pops in
our mind when we hear the term positive, is that we confuse it with “happy”.
There’s a major difference because being positive and being happy all of the
time. Forcing ourselves to be happy when we feel sad or upset is just
ridiculous in my opinion. It just puts so much pressure on ourselves to get
over whatever we are dealing with that caused that sadness. However, it’s very
possible to be simultaneously sad and positive. To me being positive isn’t a
reflection of our current mood, but more a contentment in our hearts. It’s reminding ourselves that no matter what
happens we are loved and valuable. I’m not saying that everything works out in
the end. Tragedy happens. When those events occur, it is pretty much impossible
to feel any joy. All happiness is sucked from our world, and we are just left
with raw heartache. It’s at those times we need positivity the most. In those
situations, it’s my opinion that positivity isn’t always found looking into the
future, but at times reflecting on the past. Embracing past blessings, people,
and experiences can change the way we view ourselves and situations.
Another misconception with “positive people” is that they
are always trying to cheer people up. To be honest, when I’m feeling down I can’t
stand when someone decides to “cheer me up”.
I’m sorry your dog died
and you got fired from your job.
Good news though! I
picked up “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” from Redbox on the way over to your house.
That should pick you right up. That Kevin James is just a hoot!
No. The intent shouldn’t be to cheer people up. We all need
to fully feel and process our emotions, not just to rush through them to find happiness
as quickly as possible. The goal is “encouragement”. We can grieve with people
or share frustration, while providing encouragement without even saying a word.
That’s why I love encouraging others. I view it as my purpose in life.
For example, to cheer someone up is like finding your friend
stuck in a hole with a broken arm and tossing down a rope for them to pull
themselves up. It’s a quick one-time thing. Even if you succeed in cheering
them up, they pulled themselves up on a rope with a broken arm. They didn’t
have time for their arm to heal before being made to climb up a rope they weren’t
ready to tackle. However to encourage someone is to jump down in that hole with
them. Sit patiently and listen to their story of how the bone broke. Learn the
best way to set the break. After they are ready to climb out, lift them from
the bottom. Carry their weight. Encouragement is a process. It’s a commitment to
our friend that we believe and support them. That can look an million different ways. The
main goal we don’t need to make people feel happy when they are sad, we want
them to feel loved.
While I believe in the idea of people being either an optimistic,
pessimistic, or realist, I also feel that some of these things can be affected
by our attitude. (Side note: I’m not saying either of these is better than the
other. To be honest, l believe each of these types has their own benefits. It’s
just this post is about the perks of being positive, so that’s what I’m
discussing.) I say this because I was born a realist. “Things are just the way
things are. A positive outlook won’t change anything.” That was pretty much how
I viewed life until my divorce. I still believe that’s somewhat true. But now
God showed me that having a positive outlook on life won’t always change
situations, but it will change the way I view them. To me that is just such an
amazing thought. We can fill our hearts with the stress, worry, and turmoil of
life around us, or we can fill our hearts with the goodness, love, and humor
around us. I choose the second choice. Each day, I purposely look for the good in people. If something frustrating happens, I try to think of a helpful solution. Then when I think of one, I feel satisfied with myself. When the house is messy or the kids are acting crazy, I try to just enjoy the moment. I've heard so many times "treat everyone as if they are a potential friend". I love that so much. The same thing applies to each day "treat everyday as if it is potentially the best day". Of course, not fun stuff happens everyday. I just choose not to focus on that. I'm alive not dead. I want to focus on things that bring me life, not death.
My boss sent me this one day. Hahahaha. I still love it.
Here’s another thing I have found (kind of going back to the
first point I made). While some might find the constantly upbeat, perky, and
always happy person a bit obnoxious, we are all drawn to people with a positive
heart. Being positive will not always directly change our situation. However,
staying positive in our situations might inspire others. Humans crave
contentment and fulfillment. Keeping an uplifting view on our life sets us
apart. It’s portraying a real, raw view at our lives. Sure bad things happen.
Yes we feel heartbroken, but having inner peace and hope throughout is the kind
of thing people notice. It’s like a beacon of peace and comfort to those who
find themselves in similar situations or feelings.
Once we start to focus on the good, it’s just so awesome how
everything appears different. Activities that were once tedious and boring
become productive and purposeful. The actual tasks don’t change, but the
feeling we have during the situations do. The meaning behind it all is
radically altered. For example, take my laundry. I HATE doing laundry. It’s the
most mind numbing and annoying thing on this earth. I used to constantly put it
off because in my head I viewed it as the worst. Lately, I’ve been trying to
find the good in doing laundry. Neater clothes, quicker times getting dressed,
outfits that actually match. Now, I’ve been doing *a little* better at managing
our clothes. Having that goodness and outlook on doing laundry has actually
been making it much more bearable. In both views, the act of doing the laundry
never changed; only my attitude did. However, I’ve noticed that once I start to
enjoy something, I will do it more often. I discovered that by changing my
concept of laundry has actually decreased the amount of clothes lying around
the floor in random piles.
True Story
Lastly, I want to admit that being positive can be a major
struggle. My life just like everyone else’s has crap. At times, I just want to
be mad and see everything around me as horrible. ;)
Ugh, I hate when birds chirp so cheerfully.
Finding the good in things can not only be difficult, but
truthfully it can be exhausting as well. Then I resort to trying to “cheer”
myself up, which just makes me more mad and frustrated with life. Getting out
of those little funks can be difficult. I’ve only ever found one solution that
works every time... Time with my heavenly Papa. The refreshment He provides in indescribable.
I’ve found that if I don’t set aside time every day for that alone time, my
positivity will run out rather quickly. Hahahaha, Ole’ Seth isn’t cool enough
to do it alone. It’s just something I love about loving God. It’s just an all-around
beautiful cycle of love - He loves me. I love Him. I love myself. He loves me.
Lastly, I purposefully tried not to about specific ways to
live out being positive or encourage others. I did this because I don’t feel it
should require a major plan or checklist. It’s just an organic reaction to the
love of God and the love of others. Once we feel loved, valued, and encouraged,
a confidence and uplifting mindset can form all on its own. Passing that on to
others doesn’t require fancy gifts, eloquent speeches, or amazing acts of service. It
can be as simple as a smile.
Divorce is not only painful, but the aftermath is something
that we (that have had one or have been affected by one) must deal with for the rest of our lives. No matter
the scenario of the marriage, divorce is definitely something that comes with
intense emotion. Seriously, the broad spectrum of feelings can be overwhelming.
The actual divorce process is hell on earth. Each day after is a step towards
healing. However (for me anyways) there is always one day that is simply emotionally
confusing, the ex-anniversary date. I truly can’t speak for everyone, so I will
speak for myself. I honestly haven’t figured out to handle when this date comes
around the calendar each year.
Let’s picture back before the wedding. So much time, energy,
and resources were invested into planning for the big day. Personally, it was my favorite day. I love my kids beyond
belief; however, this day was the day that made my children possible. All of my
future dreams were knit into this marriage. The wedding symbolized a giant leap
into my role as a husband and eventually a father. All of my friends and family
gathered to celebrate on this specific date. Gifts embroidered with that
specific date were given, simply to remind me that this day marked one of the
most unique, life changing decisions I would ever commit to in my short time on
this earth.
I love celebrations. Birthday parties, Holiday get-togethers,
and other special occasions are just my favorite. My anniversary was probably
the most special to me. There was no need to invite guests or involve a million
other people. It was an intimate celebration of my marriage. This was a day
that I looked forward to more than any other throughout the year. Just a time
to reflect and celebrate the day we became one and to excitedly dream about
what the future years had in store. Another thing about anniversaries is that
they get better every year. The next one should always be better than this year’s.
In my opinion, that’s the entire point of marriage, to grow together and
closer. It’s like adding another patch to a pair of worn out jeans. Sure some
wear and tear might have happened, but over time the relationship becomes more
and more unique. I loved celebrating the day the jeans were originally
purchased and remembering all events that made these things a well-worn pair of
comfort. Maybe also because I got married in my dad's jeans from college. When a rip appeared, he just added another patch. Eventually, they were just a giant quilt work of patches. I love those pants and still have them. :)
"the jeans"
Then divorce happened.
Before my first ex-anniversary (probably like most people
who have been divorced), I tried to just block that date out of my mind. “The
marriage is over. My old anniversary date is just another day on the calendar
now.” However of course, I found out that is simply not true. The feelings changed,
but each time it rolls around I just feel things that set it apart from just an
ordinary day.
Suddenly, there's a strange stack of emotions to process. What used to be a day of joy is now a day of hurt/confusion/anger/resentment/etc. There are as many way to cope with this as there are people that have been divorced. Should I completely bury the past and make this a regular day? Should I take today to be grateful for the good years? This is one of those situations where there's just nothing in playbook of life to know how to think.
The first time my ex-anniversary rolled around the calendar
like I said I tried to block it out. That lasted about ten minutes. Suddenly,
thoughts and feelings started to bubble up. I really didn’t know how to feel. I
can’t keep just ignoring my past. Should I try to focus on the joy that was present
for the bulk of my marriage or perhaps focus on the last few anniversaries that
were spend alone and heartbroken? To be honest, the first year I chose the
latter. My mind went to those vivid memories of crying, praying, and begging
for that nightmare to end. What was once my favorite celebration of the year
morphed into something I began to dread. I told myself that remembering how
horrible and toxic that relationship was would help me move forward. Hahahaha.
That wasn’t my best plan of action apparently. I was grumpy and irritable all
day. I counted down the minutes until that day was over.
The next year I was already prepared for how I was going
to handle it. I woke up and thanked God for that relationship. Focusing on only
the good was my plan for the day. That worked for a while until I got sad about
not being married anymore. (Disclaimer: I
wasn’t sad about not being married to Crissy. Nor am I sad about that all at.
Ever.) I missed having a best friend that was as close and intimate that I
once had. I think just focusing on only the good wasn’t really the best choice.
That wasn’t a real reflection of my history with my anniversary date.
Nowadays, I’m just accepting that I have no
clue how to feel. It’s so hard to explain. I don’t really get sad anymore about
the marriage ending. In fact, I feel the opposite. I love the person God molded
me into from my divorce experience. However, I do feel disheartened about the
choices my ex has made and still continues to make. Not because of feelings of
romantic love, but I feel that way because I know her better than anyone on the
planet. It breaks my heart seeing the person she chooses to be. My confusion
not only arises from the people we have become, but it also springs from simply
trying to interpret the million thoughts that race through my mind on this
date. Should I feel sad? Can I feel relief? Is it guilty to feel relief? How
should I remember the good times, while simultaneously keep in mind the hell on
earth I went through? What if I meet someone who was never divorced, how am I
supposed to feel about this then? How does Crissy feel about this date? Is it
ok to feel upset about some things? Have I acted in a manner to ensure I was
truly Jesus to her not only during the marriage, but also after the divorce?
Bringing kids into the mix just adds a new depth of
confusion for me. They were brought into this world by both of their parents.
Not just me. No matter how involved the other parent might be, that person is
still their parent, and this ex-anniversary date is a permanent reminder of
that to me. Yes, I can and do pray for wisdom. I don’t exactly feel nervous
about questions that will arise in the future, but I’m not exactly looking
forward to it. Speaking of questions, they do ask me questions very frequently about the marriage and
divorce of their mom and me. Each child has a different take and experience on
the marriage. For instance, one of the children says things like “Daddy, I want
you to marry someone that makes you happy. You were sad a long time with mom.”
While another of my children ask questions like “What if mom said she was
really, really sorry? Would you marry her again?” Of course, I tell each of my
kids that their mom and I both love them more than we can possibly explain, but
unfortunately, decisions have consequences both good and bad. Mom and I both
made decisions that changed us and we are not going to get married again. I try to explain that while forgiveness is something that must take place, our actions have permanent consequences. It can be hard to explain this concept to children, especially when it regards their parents. The
kids know my ex-anniversary date, and it always comes with new questions each
year. To be honest, many of my answers focus around the fact that this is something they will understand when they get older. They should instead focus on loving each of their parents and each other.
I think the point of this entire post is to say that it’s ok
to not know how to feel. It’s important to remember the good times, but also
reflect on the things that helped us grow closer to God and more confident as
an individual. I think I have discussed this one the blog before, but I view
this like an axe chop to a young tree. At first the giant, gaping wound to the
tree will be extremely evident. It takes up such a long surface on the tree. It’s
impossible to glance at the tree without seeing that axe mark. However as time
goes by, the tree continues to grow and heal. Years down the road the tree has keeping
growing larger and larger. The impact of that axe mark is still the original
size it once was, but seems so much smaller due to the massive new size of the
tree. The scar of that evident is something the tree will never get rid of, but
the overall impact of the wound continues to appear smaller with each passing
day as the tree reaches closer to the sky. Circumstances can never change the
past. The only thing we can do is grow ourselves to change our view on the
past. To grow and flourish enough that my axe mark becomes less important each
year. For me, this date is a clear reminder of my own personal change and my
story.
