This post isn’t
specifically for divorced people; it’s for pretty much anyone who has had a
serious relationship end. However, I’m going to give me take on this topic (which
is having a divorced ex and kids with that person).
I don’t think anyone would deny the concept of having an Ex
is just freaking weird. No matter your current relationship with that person,
it’s just a little strange. Not only do they know pretty much everything good about
you, but since you’ve broken up, it’s pretty evident that things went south and
they’ve pretty seen the worst of you. I think that’s why I wanted to post this.
I’ve seen people that have wonderful (as much as possible) relationships with
their ex; on the contrast, I’ve seen others that literally terrify me. Hahahaha.
Ok. I'm going to leave to get some coffee....
You guys want some coffee?
Will both of you be alive when I get back?
As an Ex, you pretty much have as much ammo you could ever
want to destroy each other. You know the inner workings of each other. You know
how each other’s minds work. You know what makes each other tick. However, on
the flip side, you know how to calm them down. You know what makes them happy.
You have mutual happy memories together. (Again,
this is for me mostly and I know every situation is different. I’m talking in
general here. If it was a serious domestic abuse case or something serious,
please know I’m not referring to those types of situations). I’m just saying in general, there are good
and bad things we can focus on.
There just seems to be two ways of handling things here. Use
the bad for hate or use the good for love. Especially, if there are children
involved. When I look at my kids, I can kind of gauge how I’m treating Crissy.
They need to see their dad treat their mom with love, respect, and honoring her
position as their mother. I mean, she’s not my spouse anymore, but she will
always be their mom. Seeing my kids loving their mom and keeping that
relationship as tight as possible is one of my main goals. I wanted to just
kind of share what I do to keep as much peace as possible in that relationship
and those interactions. Now, I screw it up from time to time just like anyone
would. These are just my tips for myself that I have found produce the
healthiest (ex) relationship and mental state for myself.
1) Think about my kids.
That’s pretty much always at the top. As I said earlier,
kids should never hear anything negatively slung around about either of their
parents. My kids are pretty uniformed about the situation and I tend to always
keep it that way. As they grow older and begin to ask questions about what
happened between mom and dad, I will probably mostly touch on things I could
have done better. If they want to know specifics about things from mom’s view
point, I will provide short, brief answers, but encourage them to talk to their
mom. I really don’t want my kids to ever hear me talk about their mom. Even if
they might not know all the facts, they will know that dad and mom freaking
love the crap out of them. It’s our job
as parents to make sure that is clearly evident. Also, how refreshing must it
be to be able to share a fun story about mom or dad with the other parent and
have it received with equal joy? Kids shouldn’t be scared to talk about their
parents.
2) Don’t harp on bad memories or regrets
The kids of course are my number one reason to keep things
friendly. However, this tactic is probably my best way of ensuring we look
forward. Now, let me just say this. I know some of you might be thinking that
you have memories so bad you could never move past them. I get that. I still
wake up sometimes from dreams that I’m reliving certain events. There are
horrible. But it’s our choice to allow those things to shape and define the relationship
we choose to make. Even if there is no relationship or communication at all, I
think it’s so healthy to find some kind of peace in your mind about whatever
happened. It’s like that little life
lesson.
Whatever you do, make sure right now that you do NOT think of a blue
rubber duck.
Don’t think about that little blue rubber duck.
It’s pretty much impossible to do that. Just to shut off
thoughts entirely; however, it is possible (for me anyway) to change my pattern
of thinking.
Let’s think about a delicious
taco.
See how yummy that
looks. J
Whenever, I have negative thoughts pop into my head about
Crissy, I immediately try to pray and replace those with some positive ones. At
first, there was so much negative, it seemed almost impossible to replace bad
memories with good ones. I kept at it. I thought about funny stories and little
things like that. Granted, I don’t advise
doing this if you are still in love with this person. If you haven’t moved on,
you might be torturing yourself. Hahahaha. This stuff is just for couples that
are clearly not in love any longer. Also,
I don’t try to “love” memories of us as a couple. I try to replace bad things
with memories of her being a good mom and a good friend. That really helped me
move her in my mind from “my ex who drove me crazy” to “the mom of my kids and
one of the best friends I have ever had”.
3) Just accept that sometimes it’s a one way street
Fortunately for me, Crissy and I have found a bit of common
ground and some of our friendship back. It’s not like it was and never will be.
But it’s nice being able to work together for the kids and for our own
emotions. But that was not always the case. There were times I felt I was
forgiving and fighting to keep peace by myself. That junk sucks. Seriously, it
is the worst.
It took me a long time to learn that I’m just responsible for
myself. As long as I was doing the best I honestly can, I felt peace. If I said
something rude or lost my temper, I apologized. If I felt hurt or betrayed, I
just forgave her. Some things, I might never receive a specific apology for.
That’s totally fine with me, because how the heck I am not for forgive.
Everyone has done crap to other people. True forgiveness is refreshing to the
forgiver. That won’t erase the scars, but it can erase the bitterness. Ask me
how I know.
I remember one day a year or two ago, I was super hurt and
upset about something that had happened. I was talking to my friend Nicole and
she gave me an analogy that I think about quite often to this day. I was
describing a particular incident and how much of a gaping hole I felt from it.
She told me this little story about a tree. When it was younger, it got cut up
and damaged. At the time, the scars took up a huge part of the little tree;
however as the tree kept growing the scars never shrank, but they seemed
smaller and smaller compared to the massive and healthy size of the tree. I try
not to let things in the past stump my growth. Really personal, spiritual, and
emotional growth is one of the best things I’ve found to make those scars seem smaller
in my life. That, in turn, results in a better outlook on the relationship with
Crissy and a brighter hope for the future as we continue to co-parent our
children.
Be blessed and know you're awesome!
Seth
I applaud you for being so mature, as difficult as i know it often will be. You know my history, as well as anyone who has been a part of my life, the last 20 of it, anyway. Gary and i had absolutely nothing in common. Im pretty sure we didnt even like each other. We got married for ashlee, and stayed married for sarah. This is oneof the biggest mistakes couples make. We tried to make right of wrong. It never worked. However, i have tried to never speak a negative word of their father. Then there was matt. The rebound gone terribly wrong. I was in love with the idea of being in love. So much so, that i mistook love for lust, and spent seven years in an emotionally abusive relationship we succeeded in making look perfect on the outside. After some jail time for fighting back, we finally parted ways. My then ten year old sarah said, "im glad you broke up. I never felt part of his life." Possibly the most heartbreaking words of my life. Depression is what took me from my kids. I can see that now. Its painful, beyond words, to look at a 17 and 19 year old young lady with pride, knowing you had nothing to do with them growing up to be amazing young ladies. Im grateful for forgiveness, resilience, and the relationship i now have with my girls, who now seem to be strangers and newfound friends im getting to know. I was single for five years, before i started dating my dear friend jeremy. He was the first man in my life, romantically, to show me the importamce of prayer. Matt was an atheist, and daddy always said a man who doesnt believe in god will never know love, because he doesnt believe in the ultimate example of love. And then there was jer.... the first man i ever truly loved, the only man my daddy would have loved, if he had the chance to meet him. Jers mom passed right after daddy, so i never got the chance to meet her. I wear her rings with both pride and humility. Dating with kids is a humbling experience, and as much as i wish i could go back, i know i cant. However, i thank god im finally in a place to set an example of real love for my girls.
ReplyDeleteJen, you are awesome :) Thanks for sharing.
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