Friday, November 6, 2015

Some "Adult" Funny Stories - 'Male Lingerie' and 'The Horrors of Umbros'

This post has some adult themed humor. If you believe you might be offended or feel uncomfortable reading that type of thing, please skip over this post. I really don’t want to offend anyone.

So it’s Friday night and I want to tell my two of my favorite stories. Both of these stories happened before the kids, but I just want to share them anyways.  Again, they are not for children J

The first happened quite a few years back… I have always been heavily involved in church, specifically skits, dramas, or anything that involves me being able to crack some jokes ;) This particular church drama was an Easter performance. It was portraying the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.  I was assigned to be a roman soldier. If my memory serves correctly there were maybe three of us? Anyways, one thing that most people know that have participated in church production usually knows is that the wardrobes typically aren’t custom made for each person. Sometimes they are, but most of the ones I have been involved, I was just given a random costume and hoped it fit.

“Don’t worry it will fit. All of our costumes are One-Size-Fits-All.”

As a somewhat tall man, my roman soldier was a little short in the top and the bottom. So during the dress rehearsal, I felt somewhat embarrassed that my man skirt armor thing was kinda short so I kinda of pulled it a little lower around the waist so everyone at the rehearsal wouldn’t be staring at my pasty white, scrawny thighs.

Most of the play involved me just standing there looking “tough”. Hahaha.  So I just continued to stand there rocking my tough guy face (side note: I’m better at funny roles. I just laugh the whole time if it’s serious). So at the very end, the other roman soldiers and I put Jesus in the tomb and stood guard. When the angel appeared and rolled the stone away, we were supposed to just kinda fall to our knees facing forward and bend over with our hands on the ground. So I did that; however I got the feeling that something is a little off, so sit sitting on my knees and facing forward with my upper body stretched out, I kind of turned my head and see some sweet old ladies just staring at me with their faces pale and in utter shock. In my head, I’m racing through my mind on what the heck they were staring at me for. Suddenly it hit me…

I’m not trying to get too graphic or reveal too much, but when me and Crissy were married we loved to do fun, silly things like dare each other to do stuff or just do fun things to keep out married life “spiced up”. For a gag gift for my wife, I bought these pretty much dental floss man thongs. I would always put them on at night to make her laugh. Anyways, when we were leaving for the dress rehearsal, she dared me to wear them. I said heck no because they were super uncomfortable and I only wore them as a joke for her. She countered with she would give me a special “treat” when we got home. So of course, I said yes.

Back to story, I realize that since my armor pants thing was hiked down so I wouldn’t be showing off my upper legs and my armor vest was so short, I was pretty much mooning the entire line of “angels” behind me. The angels were made up of mostly older women in the church. Not only was pretty much the entire half of my butt hanging out, but I had this black, leather thong stretched to the max finding its way up my lower back. I remember this moment so vividly; this dress rehearsal was ALMOST over. So should I just stay there and hope no one else notices or should I try to roll around in this tiny costume trying to stand up and draw more attention to myself. All of this while, the angel is announcing that the Savior of the world has risen from the dead. I guess the situation was too much and I just busted out laughing. Like ultra-hard laughing. I felt all of the eyes of every cast member just being drawn to the sexiness radiating out of the Roman Soldier’s backside.  It was one of my favorite church skit memories.

My next story, believe it or not, is a little more graphic. Be warned. It takes place back when I was probably in seventh grade. That is back in the days of Umbro shorts and Adidas sandals.  My mom took me to the dentist because I had a cavity. So my mom just sat in the waiting room and I walked back to the room. I guess it was a pretty bad cavity because the dentist told me he was going to give me “laughing gas”. I had heard of it but never had it before. So when he said it, I got really excited because I thought I would just think everything was funny and laugh the entire time. He put the mask on me and turned on the gas. The dentist told me that the gas would take a few minutes to take affect so he was going to leave me in the chair to check on other patient. So the dentist and his assistant walked out of the room. They told me they would be back in about 5 or 10 minutes.

So I’m just sitting there with the chair reclined, so my lower body is kind of higher in the air. I’m just chilling looking around the room and waiting to start laughing. I guess the gas hit me, because after a minute or two I just zoned out. Remember I said this was when I was in middle school. The golden age of raging hormones. Anyways, as I’m looking around I glance down to find my hormones were completely raged, if you get my drift J hahaha. Sometimes at that age, it just happened for no apparent reason. So I’m sitting there somewhat high on laughing gas with a clearly evident bulge. I start kind of rolling and shifting my body in a way that might hide the thunder, but to no avail. Then I tried focused concentration, hoping that I could mentally make this situation would subside. Well, that didn’t work either. Finally, I had no choice but try to position things were it wouldn’t be so evident for the crew of dental health care professionals that were going to be entering the door any minute. I think I sat there for 2 or 3 straight minutes trying to arrange things in a less obvious way, and then I realized that this task is a physical impossibility in Umbros. 

 Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.

By now, I am freaking out. I couldn’t really think straight due the laughing gas, so I couldn’t really make a clear decision on what to do. Suddenly to make matters worse, I hear footsteps coming down the hallway to my room. Then it hit me. It was now or never, and I would just have to do the waistband tuck and let my shirt do the hiding for me. I can hear the dentist and his assistant talking and laughing as they get closer and closer to my room. So in the blink of an eye, I quickly removed the “problem” for its current position and hid it under my waistband and pulled my big shirt over it… Yes!! It worked! Problem solved. No one would be the wiser. I just would have to sit through the most awkward and strange tooth filling of my life. So I’m just sitting there in the chair thinking how I dodged a MAJOR bullet, when suddenly I hear a noise come from behind me. I turn my head to find a 20 something year old female dental assistant who just witnessed the entire chain of events and is now just staring at me in complete disbelief. I guess I forgot they probably couldn’t just leave a kid hooked up to a controlled substance in a room by himself. Hahahaha. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve tried to picture how this sequence of events happened from her perspective. So there we are just looking each other dead in the eye, both horrified. We are still looking at each other when the dentist and the other assistance walk in. Needless to say that dental assistant left the room and I NEVER saw her again. I mean for the rest of my life, I never saw her again. Hahaha

“Who’s the next patient?” “Let’s see… its Seth Megow”  “Ooohhh… I just remembered I volunteered to fit dentures for homeless cats at the shelter. I’ll be back in an hour.”

On the bright side, the sheer terror of our eyes locking calmed “the situation” down. So I sat quietly for the remainder of the procedure just imagining the stories being told about me in the break room. When the filling was done, I briskly walked to the lobby to find my mom cheerful and smiling about her son’s new oral health. She asked, “How was it?”… “Fine. I’m going to wait in the car.”

I don’t think I have ever told my mom this story before. What a better way to find out than on the internet. Love you Denise J


No comments:

Post a Comment