Disclaimer:
This post
has some adult themed humor. If you believe you might be offended or feel
uncomfortable reading that type of thing, please skip over this post. I really
don’t want to offend anyone.
So it’s Friday night and I want to tell my two of my
favorite stories. Both of these stories happened before the kids, but I just
want to share them anyways. Again, they
are not for children J
The first happened quite a few years back… I have always
been heavily involved in church, specifically skits, dramas, or anything that
involves me being able to crack some jokes ;) This particular church drama was
an Easter performance. It was portraying the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.
I was assigned to be a roman soldier. If
my memory serves correctly there were maybe three of us? Anyways, one thing
that most people know that have participated in church production usually knows
is that the wardrobes typically aren’t custom made for each person. Sometimes
they are, but most of the ones I have been involved, I was just given a random
costume and hoped it fit.
“Don’t worry it will fit. All of our costumes are One-Size-Fits-All.”
As a somewhat tall man, my roman soldier was a little short
in the top and the bottom. So during the dress rehearsal, I felt somewhat
embarrassed that my man skirt armor thing was kinda short so I kinda of pulled
it a little lower around the waist so everyone at the rehearsal wouldn’t be
staring at my pasty white, scrawny thighs.
Most of the play involved me just standing there looking “tough”.
Hahaha. So I just continued to stand
there rocking my tough guy face (side note: I’m better at funny roles. I just laugh
the whole time if it’s serious). So at the very end, the other roman soldiers
and I put Jesus in the tomb and stood guard. When the angel appeared and rolled
the stone away, we were supposed to just kinda fall to our knees facing forward
and bend over with our hands on the ground. So I did that; however I got the
feeling that something is a little off, so sit sitting on my knees and facing
forward with my upper body stretched out, I kind of turned my head and see some
sweet old ladies just staring at me with their faces pale and in utter shock.
In my head, I’m racing through my mind on what the heck they were staring at me
for. Suddenly it hit me…
I’m not trying to get too graphic or reveal too much, but
when me and Crissy were married we loved to do fun, silly things like dare each
other to do stuff or just do fun things to keep out married life “spiced up”.
For a gag gift for my wife, I bought these pretty much dental floss man thongs.
I would always put them on at night to make her laugh. Anyways, when we were
leaving for the dress rehearsal, she dared me to wear them. I said heck no
because they were super uncomfortable and I only wore them as a joke for her. She
countered with she would give me a special “treat” when we got home. So of
course, I said yes.
Back to story, I realize that since my armor pants thing was
hiked down so I wouldn’t be showing off my upper legs and my armor vest was so
short, I was pretty much mooning the entire line of “angels” behind me. The
angels were made up of mostly older women in the church. Not only was pretty
much the entire half of my butt hanging out, but I had this black, leather
thong stretched to the max finding its way up my lower back. I remember this
moment so vividly; this dress rehearsal was ALMOST over. So should I just stay
there and hope no one else notices or should I try to roll around in this tiny
costume trying to stand up and draw more attention to myself. All of this
while, the angel is announcing that the Savior of the world has risen from the
dead. I guess the situation was too much and I just busted out laughing. Like ultra-hard
laughing. I felt all of the eyes of every cast member just being drawn to the sexiness
radiating out of the Roman Soldier’s backside. It was one of my favorite church skit
memories.
_____________________________________________________
My next story, believe it or not, is a little more graphic.
Be warned. It takes place back when I was probably in seventh grade. That is back
in the days of Umbro shorts and Adidas sandals. My mom took me to the dentist because I had a cavity.
So my mom just sat in the waiting room and I walked back to the room. I guess
it was a pretty bad cavity because the dentist told me he was going to give me “laughing
gas”. I had heard of it but never had it before. So when he said it, I got
really excited because I thought I would just think everything was funny and
laugh the entire time. He put the mask on me and turned on the gas. The dentist
told me that the gas would take a few minutes to take affect so he was going to
leave me in the chair to check on other patient. So the dentist and his
assistant walked out of the room. They told me they would be back in about 5 or
10 minutes.
So I’m just sitting there with the chair reclined, so my
lower body is kind of higher in the air. I’m just chilling looking around the
room and waiting to start laughing. I guess the gas hit me, because after a
minute or two I just zoned out. Remember I said this was when I was in middle
school. The golden age of raging hormones. Anyways, as I’m looking around I
glance down to find my hormones were completely raged, if you get my drift J hahaha. Sometimes at
that age, it just happened for no apparent reason. So I’m sitting there
somewhat high on laughing gas with a clearly evident bulge. I start kind of
rolling and shifting my body in a way that might hide the thunder, but to no
avail. Then I tried focused concentration, hoping that I could mentally make
this situation would subside. Well, that didn’t work either. Finally, I had no
choice but try to position things were it wouldn’t be so evident for the crew
of dental health care professionals that were going to be entering the door any
minute. I think I sat there for 2 or 3 straight minutes trying to arrange
things in a less obvious way, and then I realized that this task is a physical impossibility
in Umbros.
By now, I am freaking out. I couldn’t really think straight
due the laughing gas, so I couldn’t really make a clear decision on what to do.
Suddenly to make matters worse, I hear footsteps coming down the hallway to my
room. Then it hit me. It was now or never, and I would just have to do the
waistband tuck and let my shirt do the hiding for me. I can hear the dentist
and his assistant talking and laughing as they get closer and closer to my
room. So in the blink of an eye, I quickly removed the “problem” for its
current position and hid it under my waistband and pulled my big shirt over it…
Yes!! It worked! Problem solved. No one would be the wiser. I just would have
to sit through the most awkward and strange tooth filling of my life. So I’m
just sitting there in the chair thinking how I dodged a MAJOR bullet, when
suddenly I hear a noise come from behind me. I turn my head to find a 20
something year old female dental assistant who just witnessed the entire chain
of events and is now just staring at me in complete disbelief. I guess I forgot
they probably couldn’t just leave a kid hooked up to a controlled substance in
a room by himself. Hahahaha. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve tried to
picture how this sequence of events happened from her perspective. So there we are
just looking each other dead in the eye, both horrified. We are still looking
at each other when the dentist and the other assistance walk in. Needless to
say that dental assistant left the room and I NEVER saw her again. I mean for
the rest of my life, I never saw her again. Hahaha
“Who’s the next patient?” “Let’s see… its Seth Megow” “Ooohhh… I just remembered I volunteered to fit
dentures for homeless cats at the shelter. I’ll be back in an hour.”
On the bright side, the sheer terror of our eyes locking
calmed “the situation” down. So I sat quietly for the remainder of the
procedure just imagining the stories being told about me in the break room.
When the filling was done, I briskly walked to the lobby to find my mom cheerful and
smiling about her son’s new oral health. She asked, “How was it?”… “Fine. I’m
going to wait in the car.”
I don’t think I have ever told my mom this story before. What a
better way to find out than on the internet. Love you Denise J
-Seth
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